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Old 05-17-2016, 07:13 AM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
You're absolutely right. A lie would have been better. To be told a vacation was more important than being there for you. Maybe, and it's just a maybe if they were just scraping by and this was their one big vacation in years, and delaying it would have cost them money, you might excuse that. But not when they're well off and travel frequently.

I have been in a similar situation, you can't unring the bell. Once someone has done something that really hurts you, you don't have to let it eat you up, and you also don't have to cut them out of your life, but you will remember what happened and it's just not possible to feel the same way about them. Because you find out(the hard way usually) that they're not the person you thought they were.

I am glad to see your cousin on your other side stepped up to the plate, again it's not always the people you think it will be.

Maya Angleou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them".
You totally understand how I'm feeling about this. She's not the person I thought she was. Of course, that doesn't mean I think she's a bad person. Rather, an inexperienced person when I always considered her to be cultured and worldly. The teaching moment for her kid came to mind for me as well. In the end it became a teaching moment for me and how I will navigate as a parent for my kids when life presents tough choices and disappointments.
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Old 05-17-2016, 07:50 AM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
My sister didn't attend my late wife's funeral. It would have been a 3-4 day trip in all, and her husband, a farmer, was busy with crops on their 2000-acre farm. Granted, that's a better excuse than taking a vacation, but it bothered me a little. It's her life, and she must prioritize as she sees fit. I didn't "blame" her, and we're as close as we've ever been.

At two months you still have plenty of grieving to do, but I strongly advise you to try to forgive and forget as soon as you can.

Another personal story: When my mother's dad died years ago, the four sisters got into a heated argument about something. Two wanted one thing and the other two wanted something else. It was YEARS before they were all close again. That was a shame. It's the last thing her mother would have wanted.

I hope you and your cousin don't suffer the same way. Put it behind you and make up. If not, this could be a lifelong estrangement -- NOT something your father would have wanted.
That's rough that your sister didn't go. Personally, I don't think there is any good reason for that. She's your sister, but it's wonderful that it did not affect your relationship. My cousin and I are not close like sisters so I don't think this will amount to a lifelong estrangement. At most it's going to inhibit the development of a closer relationship.
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Old 05-17-2016, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Seattle Area
1,716 posts, read 1,490,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
Now I don't know if our relationship is over or not.
How can the relationship be over? She will always be your cousin. You stated that to many people are dying in your life. You can't do anything about that, but you can make the most of the relationships you have left.
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Old 05-17-2016, 08:47 AM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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Originally Posted by Yakscsd View Post
How can the relationship be over? She will always be your cousin. You stated that to many people are dying in your life. You can't do anything about that, but you can make the most of the relationships you have left.
At this point it doesn't look like a relationship I have left. I haven't heard from her in 2 months. I don't know where she stands since she has not reached out to me. And I don't have the mind to reach out to her right now. How I feel may change in the future, but the way I'm feeling now is that I don't see the point in cultivating the relationship with her. That energy will likely be better spent on my other cousin, who lives almost just as far.

I like seain's quote "Maya Angleou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them". Wise words I think. Still depressing, but I'm not going to navigate myself towards her. If she wants it then she'll have to do something about it. If not, then it's best left alone.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,019 posts, read 7,193,418 times
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Dear one, you've been through an extremely rough patch and emotions are raw right now. Yes I agree that what your cousin did was selfish, and yes I agree that her child missed a great life lesson on how to not be selfish. But, that is not all your cousin is or was to you.

Right now you're seeing life through hurt eyes and your grief is guiding you. Try and keep things in perspective. If you look hard enough you will always find a way to see how someone has disappointed you. Humans will be humans and we all make mistakes, intentional or not.

If you had a good relationship with your cousin then don't let this one day destroy all that was good. She was honest and felt bad. That means more then a careless lie. I would rather have someone in my life that is totally honest with me about everything vs someone who will sugar coat something for what is perceived as my own good. Then I know exactly what I'm dealing with. Total honesty, even if it hurts, equals trust in my universe.

I hope you find a way to heal from your loss and the injustice you feel from your cousin. It seems like you do matter to her and maybe she hasn't reached out because she thinks you need space. When someone is mad at you it's very difficult to find your way back without encouragement. She may need a sign from you that you are ready to forgive her.

Take care of yourself dear one. Here's a cyber hug for you and a wish that you feel better soon.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:31 AM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
Dear one, you've been through an extremely rough patch and emotions are raw right now. Yes I agree that what your cousin did was selfish, and yes I agree that her child missed a great life lesson on how to not be selfish. But, that is not all your cousin is or was to you.

Right now you're seeing life through hurt eyes and your grief is guiding you. Try and keep things in perspective. If you look hard enough you will always find a way to see how someone has disappointed you. Humans will be humans and we all make mistakes, intentional or not.

If you had a good relationship with your cousin then don't let this one day destroy all that was good. She was honest and felt bad. That means more then a careless lie. I would rather have someone in my life that is totally honest with me about everything vs someone who will sugar coat something for what is perceived as my own good. Then I know exactly what I'm dealing with. Total honesty, even if it hurts, equals trust in my universe.

I hope you find a way to heal from your loss and the injustice you feel from your cousin. It seems like you do matter to her and maybe she hasn't reached out because she thinks you need space. When someone is mad at you it's very difficult to find your way back without encouragement. She may need a sign from you that you are ready to forgive her.

Take care of yourself dear one. Here's a cyber hug for you and a wish that you feel better soon.
So true. That is why I'm saying I don't know how I'll feel in the future. Who knows. And maybe she is just giving me space. I certainly won't reject her if she reaches out. That's not my way. I wouldn't reject anyone. Rather, I'm not going to take the lead and I don't want to take the responsibility of this schism between us. Just as I didn't want the burden of her vacation issues at the time. This is rightly on her and it's up to her to figure out. We are fb friends and I made sure to like a pic she posted of her daughter on her dance night. I haven't heard a peep on fb either in my direction.

With all that said, I don't agree about the honesty at all costs thing. My father actually used to say that! lol that he's just being honest. I used to tell him to shut it when it came to his honest opinion about how this or that woman looked (his wife, me, etc). Honesty isn't always the best thing imo. There are consequences, costs if you will, and I think they need to be considered.

thanks for your nice post.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,991,510 times
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Does she live locally? That would make a big difference to me. To have already cancelled a trip is not only hard on her daughter but also was likely a financial hit, too, if they had booked flights or a hotel. Cancelling it again would be even more disappointment and money, not to mention potentially a trip for the funeral and arranging childcare for her daughter.

She shouldn't have explained further and I hope she understands that your response was one made in grief, but I can also understand why she'd be reluctant to reach back out again.
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Old 05-17-2016, 09:44 AM
 
316 posts, read 465,597 times
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Your cousin didn't handle the situation very well at all. I find it so weird that she insisted on giving you a reason as to why she couldn't attend the funeral and then gives one of the most weakest reasons I've ever heard. Your cousin is not giving you space, she is self-absorbed and thinking only about herself. Her daughter is a perfect example; she threw a temper tantrum because she didn't want to go to a funeral, she wanted to go visit her friend. Who do you think taught her to be so self-absorbed? It's not her age either because when my grandmother died a few years back I was babysitting an 8-year old girl at the time that I heard the news. I was crying and the girl handed me a tissue and said, "You're experiencing a bad time in your life but it's just a transition. Time will make things better." I started crying even harder and hugged her because it was so sweet. Clearly it was something she heard or was taught by her parents or family. Don't bother yourself with thoughts about your cousin. It isn't worth it.
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Old 05-17-2016, 10:04 AM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Does she live locally? That would make a big difference to me. To have already cancelled a trip is not only hard on her daughter but also was likely a financial hit, too, if they had booked flights or a hotel. Cancelling it again would be even more disappointment and money, not to mention potentially a trip for the funeral and arranging childcare for her daughter.

She shouldn't have explained further and I hope she understands that your response was one made in grief, but I can also understand why she'd be reluctant to reach back out again.
Money is not an issue for them. I'm not saying they should waste money or anything. It's just a non-issue. They live on a golf course. My issue is her putting it in my lap at all. Her child's tantrum, her husband's weekend with their son camping or whatever, all of it- should never have been on my radar. I shouldn't have been sitting there blubbering in grief and trying to digest what she was saying. It was so inappropriate. I was stunned that a middle-aged woman, this woman I respected so much (even looked up to honestly), could be so mindless. I did reach into myself and figure she's just coming from a place of no experience, but it's tough to figure out.

And sure, I was definitely coming from a place of grief, but I didn't haul off and call her names or anything. I did say effing, which I probably wouldn't have if I weren't grieving. I think I threw a Christ in there as well- Christ, talking about salting my f'ing wounds.

Anyhow, we don't live locally, which makes this harder. If we were in each others' lives daily it would probably be easier. It could be hashed out. But, we don't see each other often enough. Our relationship might not be solid enough to handle this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by photostoresheila View Post
Your cousin didn't handle the situation very well at all. I find it so weird that she insisted on giving you a reason as to why she couldn't attend the funeral and then gives one of the most weakest reasons I've ever heard. Your cousin is not giving you space, she is self-absorbed and thinking only about herself. Her daughter is a perfect example; she threw a temper tantrum because she didn't want to go to a funeral, she wanted to go visit her friend. Who do you think taught her to be so self-absorbed? It's not her age either because when my grandmother died a few years back I was babysitting an 8-year old girl at the time that I heard the news. I was crying and the girl handed me a tissue and said, "You're experiencing a bad time in your life but it's just a transition. Time will make things better." I started crying even harder and hugged her because it was so sweet. Clearly it was something she heard or was taught by her parents or family. Don't bother yourself with thoughts about your cousin. It isn't worth it.
yeah, that's very likely. Your story makes me teary eyed. My little babies are sensitive as well. They are so kind to each other and to others.

Thinking of them in this context does **** me off a little. My 3 year old was very close to her grandpa and it's been difficult guiding her through losing him. Obviously, my cousin could give two figs about that.

These events defiantly show who is family and who isn't.
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Old 05-17-2016, 11:28 AM
 
3,535 posts, read 6,952,734 times
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You keep bringing up her wealth. I think that's coloring your view.
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