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You totally understand how I'm feeling about this. She's not the person I thought she was. Of course, that doesn't mean I think she's a bad person. Rather, an inexperienced person when I always considered her to be cultured and worldly. The teaching moment for her kid came to mind for me as well. In the end it became a teaching moment for me and how I will navigate as a parent for my kids when life presents tough choices and disappointments.
Well you said she travels often, so she can't be that naïve. And yes it was a missed opportunity in regards to a teaching moment, but it sounds like she has a brat on her hands already.
You don't have to think she is a bad person or cut her off, but you realize now she is selfish and not the type of person who will be there for you, in a way she did you a favor.
If down the road you had a serious illness, a job loss, she would be in the wind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae
At this point it doesn't look like a relationship I have left. I haven't heard from her in 2 months. I don't know where she stands since she has not reached out to me. And I don't have the mind to reach out to her right now. How I feel may change in the future, but the way I'm feeling now is that I don't see the point in cultivating the relationship with her. That energy will likely be better spent on my other cousin, who lives almost just as far.
I like seain's quote "Maya Angleou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them". Wise words I think. Still depressing, but I'm not going to navigate myself towards her. If she wants it then she'll have to do something about it. If not, then it's best left alone.
The bolded part. This is even worse than not attending the funeral. When we suffer a direct loss you need people picking up the phone and checking on you, if they live locally an invite to lunch.
You can be civil to her, but you're not going to be able to feel the same way, it's not possible. When someone isn't there for you when you need them the most, you can't feel the same way about them after that.
Focus on the people(like your other cousin) who was there for you, those are the people you need in your life.
Because if God forbid you have a serious issue in your life, she won't be around.
Your cousin didn't handle the situation very well at all. I find it so weird that she insisted on giving you a reason as to why she couldn't attend the funeral and then gives one of the most weakest reasons I've ever heard. Your cousin is not giving you space, she is self-absorbed and thinking only about herself. Her daughter is a perfect example; she threw a temper tantrum because she didn't want to go to a funeral, she wanted to go visit her friend. Who do you think taught her to be so self-absorbed? It's not her age either because when my grandmother died a few years back I was babysitting an 8-year old girl at the time that I heard the news. I was crying and the girl handed me a tissue and said, "You're experiencing a bad time in your life but it's just a transition. Time will make things better." I started crying even harder and hugged her because it was so sweet. Clearly it was something she heard or was taught by her parents or family. Don't bother yourself with thoughts about your cousin. It isn't worth it.
My dad died two months ago. We were very close and he loved my children and they loved him. His death was a shock to me (sudden heart attack). He was alone, sadly, since he was separated from his wife. It's been difficult. My dog died this year; my brother and grandmother a few years back. I feel like my people are dropping like flies.
My closest cousin on his side of the family could not attend the services. The day after he died she reached out to me (all via text) and let me know that she didn't know if she'd be able to go because she had something going on with the kids. I immediately told her I understood. I'm a mom. I know things come up with kids.
Later that day she texted me and told me she absolutely wasn't going and wanted to tell me why. She and her 7 year old had a trip planned to go to Florida so she could visit her best friend who moved away. She tried telling her daughter they couldn't go, but she flipped out completely. The trip was already postponed once and she can't take seeing her daughter so distraught. Her husband couldn't help because he and their son were on their own vacation that weekend.
On my end...I was in the throws of hard grief and could not reconcile a temper tantrum taking priority of them paying my father their last respect. I thought the kids had a therapy, were sick, something. She said she'd like to come visit me at a later date and that she said she knew it was a sucky thing to do and that my family should be here for me during this difficult time. I told her she should have never said a word. TMI. That she was salting the effing wounds I was already dealing with. That I may feel differently in the future, but now is not the time. It really hurt.
I haven't heard a peep from her since or her parents (my dad's brother) who could not attend due to health reasons- who I was also the closest with on that side of the family. I don't know. Maybe I'm totally wrong. I totally get that we can prioritize however we want. I just don't think she should have told me her reasoning. I felt like it was selfish and thoughtless.
Now I don't know if our relationship is over or not. I don't know if she's just giving me space, is pissed, or not even thinking of me. I don't know if I will be able to get over it. We've never had words before.
You are lashing out in anger. There are a few things I have a challenge reconciling. Your "closest cousin on his side of the family" means that she was the daughter of his brother or sister. I see NO mention in your post of the relationship that SHE had with your father. What I do see is your relationship to her as "closest cousin" and I see how you brought up your dog died, which has zero to do with the subject, but everything to do with you. Based I those things, I wonder if part of this this might be more about you than about respect for your father. If she had a great relationship with him as well, there may be some basis for your having anger or shock, if she saw him as a weird uncle and just never said anything to you to keep it private, maybe not. Your expectations were damaged.
Not being in her shoes, I can't say if she decided correctly or not. I can't say with certainty what was going on with the daughter behind the scenes. Ultimately though, the only control you have is over your own emotions and reactions and how you allow them to affect you. If your cousin was your closest friend and she bailed, then there is a breach of trust to be dealt with. If your cousin is simply the relative you relate most closely to, then that is a different dynamic.
Your anger towards her actions will affect you more than they will her. If you want to carry that, it is your prerogative. I would just note it, perhaps withdraw a little from a complete trusting, and move on. Life is too short to hold such stuff. People mess up all the time.
I am very sorry for your loss and I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but I think you may be slightly over reacting due to grief and wanting to "blame" your pain on somebody. When someone very close to you dies, not everyone is able to cancel all plans at the last minute to attend the funeral, even if the plans seem very trivial to you. Sad but true. She probably could have handled it better and sent some flowers or something, but was probably taken aback by the "Christ you are pouring salt in my effing wounds" comment. I know I won't be able to make it to most of my aunts/uncles funerals when they die due to geographically and financial reasons. I sure hope my cousins don't think worse of me for it.
The cousin being financially well off could also be a complete facade. Some people put on the appearance of wealth with nice houses, cars and fancy vacations while drowning up to eyeballs in debt, just trying to stay afloat. You would never know. I'd try to find it in my heart to forgive her, mainly so it no longer affects you negatively and move on with your life.
Honest question - why on earth are some of you calling the 7 year old daughter bratty? A 7 year old would certainly not be at the funeral, would she? In my family, that would absolutely, positively NOT be appropriate. Children do not go to funerals unless it was a very close relative (as in a parent - in my family a 7 year old wouldn't even go to a grandparent's funeral).
It is highly doubtful that the 7 year old told her mom that she wanted to skip her great uncle's funeral. If anything she, like most 7 year olds, expressed a lot of disappointment about a trip being cancelled. It wouldn't matter *what* the reason was. The OP didn't note her cousin or her cousin's daughter's relationship with her father, so perhaps the 7 year old didn't even know him.
Additionally, no matter how wealthy you think they are (woo hoo - they live on a golf course, so what?), cancelling a vacation and making last minute plans to travel out of town for a funeral is not a trivial expense.
Honest question - why on earth are some of you calling the 7 year old daughter bratty? A 7 year old would certainly not be at the funeral, would she? In my family, that would absolutely, positively NOT be appropriate. Children do not go to funerals unless it was a very close relative (as in a parent - in my family a 7 year old wouldn't even go to a grandparent's funeral).
It is highly doubtful that the 7 year old told her mom that she wanted to skip her great uncle's funeral. If anything she, like most 7 year olds, expressed a lot of disappointment about a trip being cancelled. It wouldn't matter *what* the reason was. The OP didn't note her cousin or her cousin's daughter's relationship with her father, so perhaps the 7 year old didn't even know him.
Additionally, no matter how wealthy you think they are (woo hoo - they live on a golf course, so what?), cancelling a vacation and making last minute plans to travel out of town for a funeral is not a trivial expense.
It IS appropriate for a 7 year old to attend a funeral. It is an excellent leaning experience for them. It may be the first time they learn that life isn't all about them. Should they wait until they are 20 so they can start a thread on CD and ask strangers what do they do at a funeral?
Knowing the deceased doesn't enter into it. I've been to funerals where I didn't know the deceased. I knew their family.
I can't believe you think a 7 year old shouldn't be at a grandparent's funeral.
You are lashing out in anger. There are a few things I have a challenge reconciling. Your "closest cousin on his side of the family" means that she was the daughter of his brother or sister. I see NO mention in your post of the relationship that SHE had with your father. What I do see is your relationship to her as "closest cousin" and I see how you brought up your dog died, which has zero to do with the subject, but everything to do with you. Based I those things, I wonder if part of this this might be more about you than about respect for your father. If she had a great relationship with him as well, there may be some basis for your having anger or shock, if she saw him as a weird uncle and just never said anything to you to keep it private, maybe not. Your expectations were damaged.
Not being in her shoes, I can't say if she decided correctly or not. I can't say with certainty what was going on with the daughter behind the scenes. Ultimately though, the only control you have is over your own emotions and reactions and how you allow them to affect you. If your cousin was your closest friend and she bailed, then there is a breach of trust to be dealt with. If your cousin is simply the relative you relate most closely to, then that is a different dynamic.
Your anger towards her actions will affect you more than they will her. If you want to carry that, it is your prerogative. I would just note it, perhaps withdraw a little from a complete trusting, and move on. Life is too short to hold such stuff. People mess up all the time.
Of course this whole story is about me and our relationship in the context of the family. That's why I created a post about it. The loss of my dog has everything to do with the difficult year I'm having that she was privy to. It made the loss of my father more difficult. It's not about her relationship with my dad. I'm not really sure what you're meaning here. And no, she was not my closest friend. She was my closest cousin on his side of the family. We have mini vacations together. We celebrate the holidays together. That kind of thing.
I do think my anger, or any emotion I have about anyone, will impact me only. What I'm doing now is dealing with it. I'm going through the sad feelings, the loss of our previous connection, and I guess I'm making an effort to move foward. Hence the thread.
I am very sorry for your loss and I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but I think you may be slightly over reacting due to grief and wanting to "blame" your pain on somebody. When someone very close to you dies, not everyone is able to cancel all plans at the last minute to attend the funeral, even if the plans seem very trivial to you. Sad but true. She probably could have handled it better and sent some flowers or something, but was probably taken aback by the "Christ you are pouring salt in my effing wounds" comment. I know I won't be able to make it to most of my aunts/uncles funerals when they die due to geographically and financial reasons. I sure hope my cousins don't think worse of me for it.
The cousin being financially well off could also be a complete facade. Some people put on the appearance of wealth with nice houses, cars and fancy vacations while drowning up to eyeballs in debt, just trying to stay afloat. You would never know. I'd try to find it in my heart to forgive her, mainly so it no longer affects you negatively and move on with your life.
Again, it wasn't that she couldn't attend. It was that she was compelled to tell me her vacation took priority while I was in turmoil over my loss. It would have been better if she didn't say it. If that's too difficult for some to understand I'm not sure what to say.
You are lashing out in anger. There are a few things I have a challenge reconciling. Your "closest cousin on his side of the family" means that she was the daughter of his brother or sister. I see NO mention in your post of the relationship that SHE had with your father. What I do see is your relationship to her as "closest cousin" and I see how you brought up your dog died, which has zero to do with the subject, but everything to do with you. Based I those things, I wonder if part of this this might be more about you than about respect for your father. If she had a great relationship with him as well, there may be some basis for your having anger or shock, if she saw him as a weird uncle and just never said anything to you to keep it private, maybe not. Your expectations were damaged.
Not being in her shoes, I can't say if she decided correctly or not. I can't say with certainty what was going on with the daughter behind the scenes. Ultimately though, the only control you have is over your own emotions and reactions and how you allow them to affect you. If your cousin was your closest friend and she bailed, then there is a breach of trust to be dealt with. If your cousin is simply the relative you relate most closely to, then that is a different dynamic.
Your anger towards her actions will affect you more than they will her. If you want to carry that, it is your prerogative. I would just note it, perhaps withdraw a little from a complete trusting, and move on. Life is too short to hold such stuff. People mess up all the time.
And you're a 100% wrong. First off when your close to someone you make sure whenever possible to be there for them. It doesn't matter how close the cousin was to the OP's deceased father. You don't attend funerals for the dead, you do it to support the immediate family.
Add in not one word from the cousin in regards to "how are you doing?", since the father died. Very nice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 6.7traveler
I am very sorry for your loss and I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but I think you may be slightly over reacting due to grief and wanting to "blame" your pain on somebody. When someone very close to you dies, not everyone is able to cancel all plans at the last minute to attend the funeral, even if the plans seem very trivial to you. Sad but true. She probably could have handled it better and sent some flowers or something, but was probably taken aback by the "Christ you are pouring salt in my effing wounds" comment. I know I won't be able to make it to most of my aunts/uncles funerals when they die due to geographically and financial reasons. I sure hope my cousins don't think worse of me for it.
The cousin being financially well off could also be a complete facade. Some people put on the appearance of wealth with nice houses, cars and fancy vacations while drowning up to eyeballs in debt, just trying to stay afloat. You would never know. I'd try to find it in my heart to forgive her, mainly so it no longer affects you negatively and move on with your life.
No, not everyone is able to cancel plans, but don't rub it in someone's face either. I don't believe in lying most of the time, but in this case a lie such as someone being ill would have been better than saying "well we have this trip to FL planned, and my daughter really wants to go".
I agree, you don't let it eat you up inside, but you don't forget this. You're actually foolish if you do, because now the OP knows that this cousin isn't someone you want to rely on for anything, whether it be a job loss or a serious illness, don't count on her for any support.
It's not just not showing up for the funeral and a silly reason, it's the fact that not one phone call in 2 months to see how the OP is doing. She doesn't care and doesn't want to be bothered. This isn't someone you want to be in your life. Doesn't mean you never speak to them again, you just keep a nice distance from them, and you focus on the people that are there for you.
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