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Old 05-17-2016, 12:30 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,273 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Honest question - why on earth are some of you calling the 7 year old daughter bratty? A 7 year old would certainly not be at the funeral, would she? In my family, that would absolutely, positively NOT be appropriate. Children do not go to funerals unless it was a very close relative (as in a parent - in my family a 7 year old wouldn't even go to a grandparent's funeral).

It is highly doubtful that the 7 year old told her mom that she wanted to skip her great uncle's funeral. If anything she, like most 7 year olds, expressed a lot of disappointment about a trip being cancelled. It wouldn't matter *what* the reason was. The OP didn't note her cousin or her cousin's daughter's relationship with her father, so perhaps the 7 year old didn't even know him.

Additionally, no matter how wealthy you think they are (woo hoo - they live on a golf course, so what?), cancelling a vacation and making last minute plans to travel out of town for a funeral is not a trivial expense.
Please, I don't want this to turn into an arguing thread. There's enough of that all over the net.
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Old 05-17-2016, 12:39 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,645,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Honest question - why on earth are some of you calling the 7 year old daughter bratty? A 7 year old would certainly not be at the funeral, would she? In my family, that would absolutely, positively NOT be appropriate. Children do not go to funerals unless it was a very close relative (as in a parent - in my family a 7 year old wouldn't even go to a grandparent's funeral).

It is highly doubtful that the 7 year old told her mom that she wanted to skip her great uncle's funeral. If anything she, like most 7 year olds, expressed a lot of disappointment about a trip being cancelled. It wouldn't matter *what* the reason was. The OP didn't note her cousin or her cousin's daughter's relationship with her father, so perhaps the 7 year old didn't even know him.

Additionally, no matter how wealthy you think they are (woo hoo - they live on a golf course, so what?), cancelling a vacation and making last minute plans to travel out of town for a funeral is not a trivial expense.
You need it explained to you? Sometimes in life we have to put our plans on hold when something comes up involving family or close friends. Teaching a 7 year old(who does sound bratty) that we never think of others first and only ourselves is not good. Wait till she is 16.

No one said anything about the 7 year old attending the funeral. The excuse given was the 7 year old was throwing a fit upon even hearing that the FL trip might be postponed/cancelled. Who is the parent and who is the child?

An important life lesson was missed.

And in reality, couldn't the husband take the 7 year old on the trip, and the cousin stay behind for a day or two and join them later? You're talking usually about a $150 to change the ticket.
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Old 05-17-2016, 12:42 PM
 
7,059 posts, read 3,706,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
On my end...I was in the throws of hard grief and could not reconcile a temper tantrum taking priority of them paying my father their last respect. I thought the kids had a therapy, were sick, something. She said she'd like to come visit me at a later date and that she said she knew it was a sucky thing to do and that my family should be here for me during this difficult time. I told her she should have never said a word. TMI. That she was salting the effing wounds I was already dealing with. That I may feel differently in the future, but now is not the time. It really hurt.
Right or wrong, you're going to have to be the one to reach out. She offered to visit you later and you said she was rubbing it in and now is not the time, so she is going to wait until you signal that you are feeling differently.
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Old 05-17-2016, 12:48 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,273 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
You need it explained to you? Sometimes in life we have to put our plans on hold when something comes up involving family or close friends. Teaching a 7 year old(who does sound bratty) that we never think of others first and only ourselves is not good. Wait till she is 16.

No one said anything about the 7 year old attending the funeral. The excuse given was the 7 year old was throwing a fit upon even hearing that the FL trip might be postponed/cancelled. Who is the parent and who is the child?

An important life lesson was missed.

And in reality, couldn't the husband take the 7 year old on the trip, and the cousin stay behind for a day or two and join them later? You're talking usually about a $150 to change the ticket.
Well, part of it was that she went into the weekend her husband was having with their son and how it wouldn't really suit her daughter. Her daughter wants to see her bestie and she went on about their story at school, etc. What I don't think some are understanding is that my father wasn't cold 12 hours yet. I mean, from the get go I knew straight up that we can prioritize as we see fit. If she wanted to stair at the wall and pick her nose rather than attending the funeral that's certainly her right. And some people don't like funerals. Whatever. The reason doesn't matter. That's the point. And she didn't get it because she texted me earlier that day to say she might not be able to go and I was totally fine with it. It wasn't until the blathering about vacations that I was thrown for a loop.

With that said, there is no reason for anyone here to argue about any of these details. We all have a different approach to life. My kids went to the funeral. They waited in the parking lot with family until we closed the casket. Some have different views. that's totally fine.
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Old 05-17-2016, 12:50 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,273 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceangaia View Post
Right or wrong, you're going to have to be the one to reach out. She offered to visit you later and you said she was rubbing it in and now is not the time, so she is going to wait until you signal that you are feeling differently.
I did send her one sort of via facebook.
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Old 05-17-2016, 01:21 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,645,062 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
Well, part of it was that she went into the weekend her husband was having with their son and how it wouldn't really suit her daughter. Her daughter wants to see her bestie and she went on about their story at school, etc. What I don't think some are understanding is that my father wasn't cold 12 hours yet. I mean, from the get go I knew straight up that we can prioritize as we see fit. If she wanted to stair at the wall and pick her nose rather than attending the funeral that's certainly her right. And some people don't like funerals. Whatever. The reason doesn't matter. That's the point. And she didn't get it because she texted me earlier that day to say she might not be able to go and I was totally fine with it. It wasn't until the blathering about vacations that I was thrown for a loop.

With that said, there is no reason for anyone here to argue about any of these details. We all have a different approach to life. My kids went to the funeral. They waited in the parking lot with family until we closed the casket. Some have different views. that's totally fine.
Who likes funerals? Only the funeral home people like funerals.

It's no different when you hear "well I hate hospitals". Who likes hospitals.? I recently heard this from a person who we have a mutual friend in common. They wouldn't accompany our mutual friend to the hospital when this friend's dad was in the ICU(and later passed), I did, because I had been through this myself.

Do I think this person is a horrible person? No, but I will say I did lose some respect for them and don't think the same of them. It's not about YOU, it's about the person/persons in need. You put your fear/dislike of hospitals and be there for the person. At least go with them even if you don't go in the room.

The point is there are people who can't put themselves on the back burner for awhile and be there for someone in need. When they show how they are than it's important to make note of it. You now know going forward that this cousin isn't going to be there for you in the future. And while it is a painful lesson it is an important one to remember.
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Old 05-17-2016, 02:14 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,273 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Who likes funerals? Only the funeral home people like funerals.
So true. That came out wrong. I meant that some people just won't go to funerals. Any funeral. Or at least I've read as much online.

Quote:
It's no different when you hear "well I hate hospitals". Who likes hospitals.? I recently heard this from a person who we have a mutual friend in common. They wouldn't accompany our mutual friend to the hospital when this friend's dad was in the ICU(and later passed), I did, because I had been through this myself.

Do I think this person is a horrible person? No, but I will say I did lose some respect for them and don't think the same of them. It's not about YOU, it's about the person/persons in need. You put your fear/dislike of hospitals and be there for the person. At least go with them even if you don't go in the room.

The point is there are people who can't put themselves on the back burner for awhile and be there for someone in need. When they show how they are than it's important to make note of it. You now know going forward that this cousin isn't going to be there for you in the future. And while it is a painful lesson it is an important one to remember.
Yep, and this reminds me of my other cousin. She lost her father. She's been through the wringer and she knew exactly what to do and did it.
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Old 05-17-2016, 02:46 PM
 
15,192 posts, read 16,049,554 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
Again, it wasn't that she couldn't attend. It was that she was compelled to tell me her vacation took priority while I was in turmoil over my loss. It would have been better if she didn't say it. If that's too difficult for some to understand I'm not sure what to say.
You're entitled to your feelings and you recognize that she was entitled to decide whether to go to the funeral or not. What you seem most bothered by is that she explained at length the reasons that she couldn't go to the funeral.

It's extremely possible that she felt guilty about not going for all the reasons you've listed here. She knew you'd been through a lot and she knew you and your father were close. But it's likely that her husband and kids and the people she was going to visit had all been counting on her to make that weekend happen. Her trip had already been cancelled once and she had her daughter and the people on the other end to contend with. I guess what I'm saying is that while you have a perfect understanding of your situation, you might not yet be able to see things from her perspective. She may have thought going into detail would make you see that she wasn't just blowing you off for a vacation, but had a carefully orchestrated weekend pending where lots of people were counting on her.

In any case, what happens next is up to you. She is clearly lying low. If you decide the relationship is valuable to you, contact her. If not, don't.
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Old 05-17-2016, 02:49 PM
 
4,851 posts, read 2,152,571 times
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Continents , states and oceans will outlast some of us.

This cousin chose poorly and behaved equally so.

You get one chance at paying respect.

I have a niece that gave a lame excuse for not coming to her grandmothers funeral.
Apparently getting an apptment to have your facial peel is hard to reschedule.

Sometimes Honesty can be in the form of manners. Condolences and reaching out to the bereaved.
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Old 05-17-2016, 03:09 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,273 times
Reputation: 777
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
You're entitled to your feelings and you recognize that she was entitled to decide whether to go to the funeral or not. What you seem most bothered by is that she explained at length the reasons that she couldn't go to the funeral.

It's extremely possible that she felt guilty about not going for all the reasons you've listed here. She knew you'd been through a lot and she knew you and your father were close. But it's likely that her husband and kids and the people she was going to visit had all been counting on her to make that weekend happen. Her trip had already been cancelled once and she had her daughter and the people on the other end to contend with. I guess what I'm saying is that while you have a perfect understanding of your situation, you might not yet be able to see things from her perspective. She may have thought going into detail would make you see that she wasn't just blowing you off for a vacation, but had a carefully orchestrated weekend pending where lots of people were counting on her.

In any case, what happens next is up to you. She is clearly lying low. If you decide the relationship is valuable to you, contact her. If not, don't.
This makes a lot of sense. You are correct about what bothered me. Maybe you are also correct in her intention of sharing all that information. I also think that texting sometimes sounds, how do I say, cold I guess. If what happens next is up to me then we will be putting our relationship to rest with my father. If I had it to give I would. Sadly, I just don't at this juncture.
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