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Old 05-17-2016, 03:16 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
So true. That came out wrong. I meant that some people just won't go to funerals. Any funeral. Or at least I've read as much online.


Yep, and this reminds me of my other cousin. She lost her father. She's been through the wringer and she knew exactly what to do and did it.
It's true, they're self absorbed. There are people(and it seems to worse these days) that only want to talk about themselves and care about themselves. Sad really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
You're entitled to your feelings and you recognize that she was entitled to decide whether to go to the funeral or not. What you seem most bothered by is that she explained at length the reasons that she couldn't go to the funeral.

It's extremely possible that she felt guilty about not going for all the reasons you've listed here. She knew you'd been through a lot and she knew you and your father were close. But it's likely that her husband and kids and the people she was going to visit had all been counting on her to make that weekend happen. Her trip had already been cancelled once and she had her daughter and the people on the other end to contend with. I guess what I'm saying is that while you have a perfect understanding of your situation, you might not yet be able to see things from her perspective. She may have thought going into detail would make you see that she wasn't just blowing you off for a vacation, but had a carefully orchestrated weekend pending where lots of people were counting on her.

In any case, what happens next is up to you. She is clearly lying low. If you decide the relationship is valuable to you, contact her. If not, don't.
Ya think? Let's see a) I can't go to the funeral because I have the flu b) I can't go to the funeral because I have this weekend trip planned, and having to reschedule will be a hassle.

I think a) is a better reason.

Gee, no one has ever had to interrupt or change vacation plans due to an emergency? Come on already.

Add in no contact afterwards. That's when the people who suffered the loss really need support. After the funeral is over, a phone call an invite to lunch, a visit, can mean a world of difference.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Continents , states and oceans will outlast some of us.

This cousin chose poorly and behaved equally so.

You get one chance at paying respect.

I have a niece that gave a lame excuse for not coming to her grandmothers funeral.
Apparently getting an apptment to have your facial peel is hard to reschedule.

Sometimes Honesty can be in the form of manners. Condolences and reaching out to the bereaved.
That is pathetic. I would add it's not just about paying last respects, it's about being there for the people who suffered the loss the most. In your case you and your siblings.
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Old 05-17-2016, 03:43 PM
 
15,191 posts, read 16,044,725 times
Reputation: 25086
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
This makes a lot of sense. You are correct about what bothered me. Maybe you are also correct in her intention of sharing all that information. I also think that texting sometimes sounds, how do I say, cold I guess. If what happens next is up to me then we will be putting our relationship to rest with my father. If I had it to give I would. Sadly, I just don't at this juncture.
That is totally understandable. But do yourself a favor and don't announce that to her or anyone else at this point. You may feel differently in a year so don't close any doors right now. And do your best not to dwell on it.

Sending you a big hug.
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Old 05-17-2016, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,144 posts, read 7,469,555 times
Reputation: 17054
I don't know why she just didn't put her kid on the flight and let her go by herself.

The airlines will escort you.

I was flying solo at six.
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:07 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,501,765 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
I didn't mean she shouldn't say a word at all. I meant that she shouldn't have shared her reasoning. I think it would have been better if she lied, honestly. Tell me your kid is sick and you have to take are care of her. Not that she, and her brother and dad, refuse to miss out on big fun. She went on about it. Especially since they are pretty wealthy so they do engage in fun activities quite often. If she didn't tell me her reasoning I wouldn't have asked and would have assumed the best.

I don't want to end our relationship. What I want I don't seem capable of. At this point it feels like it's one of those things...like we cannot un-ring that bell. Maybe I'll feel differently in the future. Losing her, which is what this feels like, only adds to the grief.
I agree that maybe it might have been better if she lied - but I think it was wrong of you to say so, and it's generally wrong to punish people for telling the truth.

If you don't want to end the relationship, see how you feel in the weeks and months to come, and keep an eye out for an opportunity to make an overture - perhaps she'll be having a birthday, and you can send a card.
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:14 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,032 times
Reputation: 777
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
That is totally understandable. But do yourself a favor and don't announce that to her or anyone else at this point. You may feel differently in a year so don't close any doors right now. And do your best not to dwell on it.

Sending you a big hug.
Thanks. I haven't said a word to anyone. This is the first time outside my mom and my other cousin that day.
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:19 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,032 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
I agree that maybe it might have been better if she lied - but I think it was wrong of you to say so, and it's generally wrong to punish people for telling the truth.

If you don't want to end the relationship, see how you feel in the weeks and months to come, and keep an eye out for an opportunity to make an overture - perhaps she'll be having a birthday, and you can send a card.
I don't believe in being punative. So, I'm definitely not trying to punish her. It's the same with my kids. I don't punish them. I allow natural consequences to surface. And consequences result from anything we do or say. Positive or negative. Honesty or not.

I'm definitely going to wait and see how I feel. Who knows what the future will bring.
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Old 05-17-2016, 06:12 PM
 
5,682 posts, read 5,158,578 times
Reputation: 3818
Everyone handles death differently. You can't expect what you would do, other will do.
It sucks to loose anyone but when someone dies they are gone, they don't need you to be at the funeral.

I'm guessing this is more about you wanted her to be there for You more then she was.
If so your grown adults. Text her that your upset she wasn't there for you during a hard time.
Sitting in stirring in these emotions will do you no good.
Or maybe accept the fact that she is not who she once was, you aren't as close as you were and look for new friends.
Sadly the simple fact is she may not be that close to you as you are to her. People grow and change.
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Old 05-17-2016, 06:25 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 455,032 times
Reputation: 777
I'm glad I started this thread. I needed to hash it out a bit. I wish my dad was here so I could talk to him about it. He was usually the first I would call with this kind of stuff.
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Old 05-17-2016, 11:36 PM
 
8,379 posts, read 7,369,618 times
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Let me speak as a very old man. I have only been to three funerals in my life. To go to a funeral is very hard for some people. I know a lot of people, that have never been to a funeral in their life, even when a close relative dies. It does not mean they are not suffering due to the death, but for them to be there is something they just do not handle well. For their own peace of mind, they just do not go to the funeral. It is not out of lack of respect to the deceased, or out of out of lack of respect to other relatives or friends, it is they handle the loss better on their own.

Those people can give you every reason in the world for not going, but for their own peace of mind they simply cannot go. It is not the actual funeral that keeps them away in most cases, it is everything else happening around the funeral for a few days. This is why celebrations of life are replacing funerals at a rapid rate.
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Old 05-18-2016, 02:26 AM
 
Location: a uniquely shaped state
879 posts, read 874,462 times
Reputation: 1903
That is a lot of loss in a short time OP. I am so sorry for you (I don't mean that in a flippant way).

I have found when people go into extensive detail about why they can't make whatever the important event is, it's because they know they're making a selfish decision and they want you to absolve them. She went into such details so you would understand it from her point of view and say it was okay so she wouldn't have to feel bad. I actually think it is okay that you showed how upset you were, but some people think you should just pretend it's all hunky dory no matter what the circumstances are .... I don't see the point in doing that personally. No need to praise the cousin for honesty and then tell the OP she's the one who behaved badly, maybe they were just both "brutally honest".

The fact that she hasn't reached out to you speaks volumes to me, too. I doubt she is thinking of the OP at all (although I don't know that, just guessing from the posts).

I don't think she's a terrible person, just self absorbed (as are most people). You can't count on her to be there for you if the chips are down. I wouldn't write her off but just focus your energy on people like the other cousin who can be counted on. If you happen to see her or talk to her, great, but don't expect much. As you work your way through your grief I am sure it will sting less and you may even be able to reach out again, but do it (or not) on your own timetable.

Also, I went to my first funeral (my grandma's) at 9 and understood as best as a 9 year old can what was going on. My younger cousins attended as well. Just because children attending funerals isn't done in some families doesn't mean it's wrong for others to allow children to attend. Or the child could have gone to FL as an unaccompanied minor. I've seen pretty young kids do that. I mean surely it's a bummer when your friends move away, but the trip could have been rescheduled again or as I said she could've gone on her own. At least now at 7 years old you can keep in touch with your friend who moved away, when I was 7 and had friends move away we basically lost touch so IDK that I feel super bad for her.

Finally, I think it's a mistake to reward temper tantrums like that. I see it in a smaller sense all the time out in public. Just today I was getting coffee and these kids were jumping around waiting for the mom to get her drink, when told to stop the kids proceeded to screech at the top of their lungs "waaaaah waaaaah waaaah" until mom gave up and allowed the jumping around to continue. Great lesson. Just scream loud enough and you'll get what you want. Like other posters said, wait until the kid is 16 with that behavior.
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