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Old 05-18-2016, 05:58 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumf View Post
^THIS!

I'm very sorry for your dad's passing. Mine is 93 and mom is 84, so I don't know first hand what it's like - but I know it can't be a happy go lucky feeling... by any means.

Your cousin was honest with you. You said you wish she'd would have lied - I find that hard to fully believe. You say that, but none of us like to be deceived... ever. No matter what it's over, we all much more prefer the truth.

She may regret not going and tending to her child's needs - but that's on her. Having her attend would not have brought your dad back - or eased the pain any. Her being there may have been supportive of you, but her goal is to first tend to her child, and that's the job of a parent.

I very much hope you two can get back to where you were before this 'event'...
No, you don't know what it's like to lose a parent. I find even among people I know well until it happens to them they don't quite get it. In fact I had someone recently tell me "I never knew what you were going through until I lost my mom".

Usually I would say the truth is always the best, but not in some circumstances, this was one of them.

The OP has already said a few times she would have preferred a lie, I don't blame her. It's unlikely that truth ever would have come out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by john3232 View Post
When the chips are down you find out who is really your friend and whose isn't.

Happened to me years back. This doesn't mean I won't talk with the person.

However, I remember when I needed help who was there and who wasn't
Exactly, it doesn't mean you have nothing to do with them. However you know going forward that this is an individual who you know not to count on for anything serious.

It's actually good information to have for the future.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:14 PM
 
Location: a uniquely shaped state
879 posts, read 874,075 times
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It's always disappointing to learn that someone you felt close to doesn't feel that way about you, especially when you really need their support. But I agree it's good information to have...now you know you can't count on her. I don't see the point in pretending things were as they were...they never were that way to begin with.
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
It was an honest question. It's not something I've heard of before and culturally is a big no no for both sides of my family (which come from dramatically different backgrounds). I remember having to beg to go to my grandmother's funeral when I was 13 - before she died even *she* said I was too young to be there. My younger brother stayed at home (halfway across the country) and even my cousins who lived locally were not present.

My aunt died when I was 7 and my uncle died when I was 9. Children were not welcome at either funeral, and I likely would not have been able to go either way because of the travel expenses associated. Again, totally normal for my family and social circle. Thinking back on the last several funerals I've been to, both in my family and totally unassociated, there have been hundreds of people at each but no one under 12 or 13 - even grandchildren and great grandchildren who lived locally and were close to the deceased.


Either way, just because *you* think that a small child should go to a funeral doesn't mean it's acceptable to her family, particularly if she didn't have a relationship with the deceased and will have to travel from out of town for the funeral. We don't know that the child threw a temper tantrum and the mom acquiesced - I doubt *not* going on the trip was ever a consideration.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
It's not just me. How would a child be shown they weren't welcome in your family? How would that even be discussed? Do they have a meeting and say " remember no children."

A few years after age 7 I was an altar boy at many funerals.

I don't think I have ever been to a funeral without children there.
I am 64 years old and I probably attended my first funeral before I could remember it (I had two grandparents die when I was a preschooler).

Over the years I have attended many funerals, most were relatives but I also attended the funerals of close friends, neighbors and coworkers, and the funerals of parents, spouses & children of friends & coworkers. Sadly, I also attended the funeral of my daughter's best friend in HS who took his own life as well as the funeral of one of my students who died from natural causes.

I agree with thinkalot. In all of the funerals that I attended over the years I believe that every single funeral had at least a few children present, most usually were close relatives of the deceased.

Of course, every family is different but I did want to mention this.

Last edited by germaine2626; 05-18-2016 at 08:57 PM..
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Old 05-18-2016, 08:50 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
[quote=blind spot;44110484]It's always disappointing to learn that someone you felt close to doesn't feel that way about you, especially when you really need their support. But I agree it's good information to have...now you know you can't count on her. I don't see the point in pretending things were as they were...they never were that way to begin with.[/QUOTE]


Excellent comment.
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Old 05-19-2016, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Huntsville, AL
2,850 posts, read 765,823 times
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OP: You're hurt. You have every right to be upset. I'm sorry for that - more than I could ever say.
Your cousin took care of her child and, however selfish you find it, she did what she felt she needed to do. She obviously put you and your needs on a lower priority than her own or those of her child.

You apparently are going to let that decision weigh heavy on your and her relationship... that's your choice. Having her there for your dad's funeral wouldn't have done anything to change what had happened to him - other than to comfort you in your time of need. I'm sure that she didn't and still most likely doesn't know the impact of her decision... And if she did know, I'm sure she'd rethink that decision and tend to your needs before those of her child's. I very much hope that she will come around and will tell you how sorry she is for not being there for you - and pray that you'll listen and iron things out. If you already have the idea that no matter what she does, she and I are done, thoughts... then that's that and nothing anyone can say or do will change your decision.
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Old 05-19-2016, 02:49 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumf View Post
OP: You're hurt. You have every right to be upset. I'm sorry for that - more than I could ever say.
Your cousin took care of her child and, however selfish you find it, she did what she felt she needed to do. She obviously put you and your needs on a lower priority than her own or those of her child.

You apparently are going to let that decision weigh heavy on your and her relationship... that's your choice. Having her there for your dad's funeral wouldn't have done anything to change what had happened to him - other than to comfort you in your time of need. I'm sure that she didn't and still most likely doesn't know the impact of her decision... And if she did know, I'm sure she'd rethink that decision and tend to your needs before those of her child's. I very much hope that she will come around and will tell you how sorry she is for not being there for you - and pray that you'll listen and iron things out. If you already have the idea that no matter what she does, she and I are done, thoughts... then that's that and nothing anyone can say or do will change your decision.
The bolded part. That what was important. As far as needs of the cousin's child, this was a weekend trip that could have been rescheduled. Also teaching the child a life lesson, that sometimes we have to alter our plans when something comes up and someone needs help. That it's not "all about me" all of the time.

The OP never said anything about cutting her out of her life, she just now realizes that this cousin is not someone who can be relied upon in time of need. These are people that you can be cordial to, see occasionally in a social setting, but you know going forward cannot be relied upon. It is actually good information.

If someone doesn't know that telling someone " I can't make to your dad's funeral because I have to take my daughter on vacation", than they either have a double digit IQ or they're so self absorbed that they can't think of others.

It's been two months, no phones calls or texts to even see how the OP is doing, or if they need anything or how she is feeling.

That speaks volumes.
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Old 05-21-2016, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,706 posts, read 21,760,954 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
No, you don't know what it's like to lose a parent. I find even among people I know well until it happens to them they don't quite get it. In fact I had someone recently tell me "I never knew what you were going through until I lost my mom".

Usually I would say the truth is always the best, but not in some circumstances, this was one of them.

The OP has already said a few times she would have preferred a lie, I don't blame her. It's unlikely that truth ever would have come out.

Exactly, it doesn't mean you have nothing to do with them. However you know going forward that this is an individual who you know not to count on for anything serious.

It's actually good information to have for the future.
I didn't find it that much different than losing my grandmother (only grandparent I'd ever known) nephew, brother, best friend. It was just a different hole.
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Old 02-24-2017, 06:38 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,693 times
Reputation: 777
Default Sad update to this thread

Well, I never heard back from my cousin. I texted her last week and said it has been too long hoping we could connect. I could tell that she saw the text (IM on FB really), but she never got back to me. It's been a hard year without him and I still cannot understand it all. Whatever the case...thought I would give the update since I've been back on the forum the last few weeks.

Other than that, life is pretty good!
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,629,446 times
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It is always a personal matter whether someone attends a funeral or not. Nobody has the right to expect or demand that another person attend someone's funeral.

I have known countless people over the years who didn't attend a parent's funeral and I would never dream of asking them why. It's not my business. I would never assume that because someone avoids someone's funeral that it indicates selfishness, narcissism or anything negative. Maybe they grieve alone and have no interest for an organized funeral. Grief is a very individual and personal thing.
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Old 02-27-2017, 03:40 PM
 
4,112 posts, read 3,447,161 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
It is always a personal matter whether someone attends a funeral or not. Nobody has the right to expect or demand that another person attend someone's funeral.

I have known countless people over the years who didn't attend a parent's funeral and I would never dream of asking them why. It's not my business. I would never assume that because someone avoids someone's funeral that it indicates selfishness, narcissism or anything negative. Maybe they grieve alone and have no interest for an organized funeral. Grief is a very individual and personal thing.
I agree completely with this sentiment regarding funeral attendance.

OP is disappointed that a cousin she thought was a good friend doesn't seem to be one. Sorry OP, that is never fun.
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