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Old 02-27-2017, 04:32 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,342 times
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It is a bummer. Not sure why she isn't getting back to me. I just keep telling myself that it's not about me as most things are not about me. I then wonder if she's having problems and if I should reach out again, but I don't want to be pushy. And of course I'm overthinking this to death.
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Old 02-27-2017, 08:31 PM
 
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Here is what I would recommend. Take a month or two off from worrying about this. If you think you need to, put it on you calendar for when you want to take it up again, but in the meantime, purposefully remove your mind from this and think about and do other things. Decide that you will resolve how you feel about it at a later date. You need some rest, I imagine - some time to grieve for your father and let all that has happened recently settle.
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Old 02-28-2017, 04:46 AM
 
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Thank you for the kind words. I will put it out of my mind. I don't have much of a choice. It's been at the forefront for me because my father's anniversary is coming up in a week or so. I was hoping to avoid an entire year, the first year he's gone, with zero contact. Just goes to show that family isn't necessarily about blood.
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Old 03-05-2017, 10:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
Thank you for the kind words. I will put it out of my mind. I don't have much of a choice. It's been at the forefront for me because my father's anniversary is coming up in a week or so. I was hoping to avoid an entire year, the first year he's gone, with zero contact. Just goes to show that family isn't necessarily about blood.
Thank you for the update, the first year is always very hard.

But you don't have "zero contact" you have people who do care about you. Focus on them.

Forget her, she showed her true colors. I said when you posted only a very self absorbed person would say what she said to you. She had more than enough time to redeem herself and chose not to.

And her karma is going to be the teenage daughter from hell....LOL.

As Maya Angelou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them".
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Old 03-06-2017, 03:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
It is always a personal matter whether someone attends a funeral or not. Nobody has the right to expect or demand that another person attend someone's funeral.

I have known countless people over the years who didn't attend a parent's funeral and I would never dream of asking them why. It's not my business. I would never assume that because someone avoids someone's funeral that it indicates selfishness, narcissism or anything negative. Maybe they grieve alone and have no interest for an organized funeral. Grief is a very individual and personal thing.
And furthermore, some family history is buried very deep and very personal - and shockingly ugly; and that is another reason not to go on a hunting expedition for explanations.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
As Maya Angelou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them".
True and difficult words
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
And furthermore, some family history is buried very deep and very personal - and shockingly ugly; and that is another reason not to go on a hunting expedition for explanations.
It's nothing that involved in this case. We've both been to a half dozen funerals together (uncles, grandparents, two cousins). I don't think it was anything more involved than what's on the surface. I spoke with her dad recently and just said she's wicked busy, which I get being a working mom of two myself, well that's that.

On the other hand, I had another cousin who didn't attend my brother's funeral. And she left her own brother's funeral early. There is a lot of stuff going on there and my only concern about that was a concern for her. She had issues with the family to that I'm not really privy to as well.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:47 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
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I was brought up by my aunt and uncle.. they died just months apart when I was 17 then 18, I refused to go to any of their cremations.. some relatives tried to shame me forcing me to go.. but I said no.. couldnt face the thought of that final part of them being cremated.. were all different.
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Old 03-06-2017, 12:07 PM
 
Location: PA
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I don't even think it has to do with attending the funeral, it is just family members who aren't there for you in time of need. I am struggling with this as well. My MIL was not there for us when my husband became unemployed, or when he got rushed to the hospital last summer. He was there for three days, and she was at the shore visiting his step sister so she couldn't visit. When she came back, she called to check in about a week later, and still didn't visit.

Fast forward, my father died, and she wasn't there for us. We saw her on holidays that had loads of other family members there. Just yesterday, her husband (my husbands step father), got rushed to the hospital. My BIL DEMANDED my brother go there, to a mother that was NOT THERE AT ALL when his FIL died, or when he got admitted to the hospital (where he AFIBed, by the way, so he actually died for a couple minutes). He did go to hospital, but he struggled with whether to drop what he was doing to go to the hospital, when these family members barely knew him when he was in a bad way.

I am sure the roles will reverse someday and your cousin will need something. It will be a hard struggle - to either be the better person, or not even bother because she wasn't there for you. When you are the better person, you still feel like crap. She (your cousin) should have been there for you somehow and checking on you...end of story!
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Old 03-06-2017, 12:31 PM
 
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Holding onto anger really only hurts you. Let go. Forgive. Live your life to love those around you. Other people may have problems that you can't control. So don't try. No one can MAKE you angry - it is your choice how you feel and how you frame the problem. I know it sounds like a bunch of platitudes, but really, the more you obsess about how others have slighted you, the lower your quality of life will become.
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
And furthermore, some family history is buried very deep and very personal - and shockingly ugly; and that is another reason not to go on a hunting expedition for explanations.
While that may be true in some cases, it isn't in most.

The bottom line is they're selfish people who don't want to be bothered.

I know a situation where someone's mother died unexpectedly. The woman was in her 70s but she wasn't ill. The daughter was devastated. Her " close friend" whose support you could have used didn't go to the funeral because it was her birthday. Now nobody wants to go to a funeral on their birthday, the thing is this was someone in their 50s who was having a small birthday dinner at 7pm, the funeral was 11am. It's not like they were turning 21. They could have easily attended.

Most of the time it's they can't be bothered, not some dark family secret.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
True and difficult words

It's nothing that involved in this case. We've both been to a half dozen funerals together (uncles, grandparents, two cousins). I don't think it was anything more involved than what's on the surface. I spoke with her dad recently and just said she's wicked busy, which I get being a working mom of two myself, well that's that.

On the other hand, I had another cousin who didn't attend my brother's funeral. And she left her own brother's funeral early. There is a lot of stuff going on there and my only concern about that was a concern for her. She had issues with the family to that I'm not really privy to as well.
"Busy" is the code word used these days for not wanting to be bothered.

If anything people should have more time. Most pay their bills online, bank online, order items online. Many don't even cook meals today, dinner is ready in 10 minutes out of the microwave.

If someone really cares they find the time.

Unfortunately these days we live in a very "all about me" society. And social media with people thinking they need to post pictures every time they eat something, doesn't help.
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