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Old 05-16-2016, 05:18 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,693 times
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My dad died two months ago. We were very close and he loved my children and they loved him. His death was a shock to me (sudden heart attack). He was alone, sadly, since he was separated from his wife. It's been difficult. My dog died this year; my brother and grandmother a few years back. I feel like my people are dropping like flies.

My closest cousin on his side of the family could not attend the services. The day after he died she reached out to me (all via text) and let me know that she didn't know if she'd be able to go because she had something going on with the kids. I immediately told her I understood. I'm a mom. I know things come up with kids.

Later that day she texted me and told me she absolutely wasn't going and wanted to tell me why. She and her 7 year old had a trip planned to go to Florida so she could visit her best friend who moved away. She tried telling her daughter they couldn't go, but she flipped out completely. The trip was already postponed once and she can't take seeing her daughter so distraught. Her husband couldn't help because he and their son were on their own vacation that weekend.

On my end...I was in the throws of hard grief and could not reconcile a temper tantrum taking priority of them paying my father their last respect. I thought the kids had a therapy, were sick, something. She said she'd like to come visit me at a later date and that she said she knew it was a sucky thing to do and that my family should be here for me during this difficult time. I told her she should have never said a word. TMI. That she was salting the effing wounds I was already dealing with. That I may feel differently in the future, but now is not the time. It really hurt.

I haven't heard a peep from her since or her parents (my dad's brother) who could not attend due to health reasons- who I was also the closest with on that side of the family. I don't know. Maybe I'm totally wrong. I totally get that we can prioritize however we want. I just don't think she should have told me her reasoning. I felt like it was selfish and thoughtless.

Now I don't know if our relationship is over or not. I don't know if she's just giving me space, is pissed, or not even thinking of me. I don't know if I will be able to get over it. We've never had words before.
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Old 05-16-2016, 05:39 PM
 
Location: Ohio
1,217 posts, read 2,248,189 times
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She was honest about why she couldn't attend, which she now knows was a mistake but if you found out later you'd still be upset, right?

Funerals are for the family, not the deceased, so she let you down and she knows it. The hard question is whether she needs to support her daughter or her cousin (you). The fact that her daughter had been disappointed already made this impossibly had for her. Try to forgive her even though it will be hard.

Sorry for your loss and hope you had enough people around you at the service for support.
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Old 05-16-2016, 06:21 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,693 times
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Thanks. I don't think I would have found out later. Our lives aren't really intertwined like that. When we get together it's always planned since we live a few hours apart. I don't think she has ever lost anyone before so I suspect she doesn't understand how difficult grief can be and that sensitivity can go a long way. Anyhow, I was hoping by this time I would be over it, but I'm not. I'm not sure how to control that either. I feel even more isolated not only from losing him, but now feeling like I'm disconnected from my family. I'm not sure what the solution is or if there is one.

On the other side, a cousin from my mom's side of the family (my parents were divorced) showed up for both days of services. She was incredible. She was my rock and it deepened our relationship. Although, we don't talk much unfortunately. I chatted the most with my dad and brother. We were all babblers with each other.
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Old 05-16-2016, 06:28 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,498,682 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imagardener View Post
She was honest about why she couldn't attend, which she now knows was a mistake but if you found out later you'd still be upset, right?
That's a good point - that we have to remember not to punish people for being honest. So I think Cassy was wrong to say that the cousin shouldn't have said a word - but when we're upset over a death we can't always say exactly the right thing.

Cassy, maybe you should think about what you want. It seems a shame to completely end a relationship because of one instance of bad judgment. Ultimately, doesn't it perhaps matter more what how we act with the living than with the dead?
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Old 05-16-2016, 06:40 PM
 
1,475 posts, read 454,693 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
That's a good point - that we have to remember not to punish people for being honest. So I think Cassy was wrong to say that the cousin shouldn't have said a word - but when we're upset over a death we can't always say exactly the right thing.

Cassy, maybe you should think about what you want. It seems a shame to completely end a relationship because of one instance of bad judgment. Ultimately, doesn't it perhaps matter more what how we act with the living than with the dead?
I didn't mean she shouldn't say a word at all. I meant that she shouldn't have shared her reasoning. I think it would have been better if she lied, honestly. Tell me your kid is sick and you have to take are care of her. Not that she, and her brother and dad, refuse to miss out on big fun. She went on about it. Especially since they are pretty wealthy so they do engage in fun activities quite often. If she didn't tell me her reasoning I wouldn't have asked and would have assumed the best.

I don't want to end our relationship. What I want I don't seem capable of. At this point it feels like it's one of those things...like we cannot un-ring that bell. Maybe I'll feel differently in the future. Losing her, which is what this feels like, only adds to the grief.
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Old 05-16-2016, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,838 posts, read 1,163,727 times
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Casey, please, just let it go. Stress/grief/sadness makes us all do and say things we later wish we could take back. Give it a while then reach out to you favorite cousin in a friendly/non-judgmental way. Make up. You'll be glad you did.
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Old 05-16-2016, 08:31 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
That's a good point - that we have to remember not to punish people for being honest. So I think Cassy was wrong to say that the cousin shouldn't have said a word - but when we're upset over a death we can't always say exactly the right thing.

Cassy, maybe you should think about what you want. It seems a shame to completely end a relationship because of one instance of bad judgment. Ultimately, doesn't it perhaps matter more what how we act with the living than with the dead?

Why are you beating up the OP? The cousin is wrong, first off you don't text with something like this, you pick up the phone. A simple "I'm so sorry I can't make it do to a family situation"(you don't have to say the family situation is your bratty child and a trip to FL).

And your last comment completely misses the point. The funeral isn't for the deceased to be supported it is for the immediate family(the OP) to be supported. At a time when they really need people to be there for them.

Sorry, I would not feel the same way about someone who treated you like this. Doesn't mean you stop speaking to them, you just remember going forward how they were when you're in need. In difficult situations you find out who is there for you and who isn't, and it's not always the people you think it is.

People like this are the same ones who when somene gets seriously ill or gets laid off from their job don't want to know you.

The cousin also missed an important life lesson she could have shown her child, how family is important and sometimes you have to put your plans to the side to help others. Sounds like she already has a bratty child on her hands, wait till she is a teenager with this type of upbringing.
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Old 05-16-2016, 08:40 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassy Fae View Post
I didn't mean she shouldn't say a word at all. I meant that she shouldn't have shared her reasoning. I think it would have been better if she lied, honestly. Tell me your kid is sick and you have to take are care of her. Not that she, and her brother and dad, refuse to miss out on big fun. She went on about it. Especially since they are pretty wealthy so they do engage in fun activities quite often. If she didn't tell me her reasoning I wouldn't have asked and would have assumed the best.

I don't want to end our relationship. What I want I don't seem capable of. At this point it feels like it's one of those things...like we cannot un-ring that bell. Maybe I'll feel differently in the future. Losing her, which is what this feels like, only adds to the grief.

You're absolutely right. A lie would have been better. To be told a vacation was more important than being there for you. Maybe, and it's just a maybe if they were just scraping by and this was their one big vacation in years, and delaying it would have cost them money, you might excuse that. But not when they're well off and travel frequently.

I have been in a similar situation, you can't unring the bell. Once someone has done something that really hurts you, you don't have to let it eat you up, and you also don't have to cut them out of your life, but you will remember what happened and it's just not possible to feel the same way about them. Because you find out(the hard way usually) that they're not the person you thought they were.

I am glad to see your cousin on your other side stepped up to the plate, again it's not always the people you think it will be.

Maya Angleou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them".
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Old 05-16-2016, 09:22 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,515,249 times
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My sister didn't attend my late wife's funeral. It would have been a 3-4 day trip in all, and her husband, a farmer, was busy with crops on their 2000-acre farm. Granted, that's a better excuse than taking a vacation, but it bothered me a little. It's her life, and she must prioritize as she sees fit. I didn't "blame" her, and we're as close as we've ever been.

At two months you still have plenty of grieving to do, but I strongly advise you to try to forgive and forget as soon as you can.

Another personal story: When my mother's dad died years ago, the four sisters got into a heated argument about something. Two wanted one thing and the other two wanted something else. It was YEARS before they were all close again. That was a shame. It's the last thing her mother would have wanted.

I hope you and your cousin don't suffer the same way. Put it behind you and make up. If not, this could be a lifelong estrangement -- NOT something your father would have wanted.
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Old 05-16-2016, 11:13 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,880,122 times
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Sorry for your loss OP. If the cousins were not there when your dad was living, why you bother they will come to the funeral. That is who they are!!! Truly sorry that your cousin seems not even teaching her kids the good deeds, cancel the fun for a moment and say good bye. OP we were born with nothing we go the same! People need to give the attention when the people live not when they die so do what you got to do. May be my comment look like rude but that is the truth. Be strong! Let go your cousin from your head. It is not worth!!!
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