U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-02-2016, 01:10 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,248,587 times
Reputation: 4549

Advertisements

A book you might want to get is "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies," by Therese Rando. It is written in a fairly analytical way, not a spiritual book, and covers many situations, including losing a parent, children's reaction to death, losing a spouse, losing someone suddenly, vs. a long illness, etc. I found it helpful.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-02-2016, 01:17 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,880,122 times
Reputation: 4257
So sorry for your loss <<< Big hug>>> that is all I can offer. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Time is the best thing as I feel.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2016, 10:05 AM
 
Location: N.Anaheim SoCal
5 posts, read 3,148 times
Reputation: 56
This is common and I share and identify with all of this, thank you.

Although I have no close friends (all are at least 12hrs + away) I do have our community of faith and they have been my rock. Quite a few Mom's that know my children well (from Elementary and HS) came to our rescue. They started by visiting her in the hospital. This gave me a chance to reconnect with them as my wife was more active with school happenings. One morning I was in the hospital alone with my wife and it was a very peaceful moment. There was a nice yellow glow of early morning sunlight coming into the room. I had to get home to check on the kids but felt too guilty leaving her. I expressed this to one of the Mom's and her reply was "Don't worry Drew, we got this". An hour later she was there to take my place and from that moment on they organized a group that stood vigil over her from 9pm to 9am each and every day so she would never be alone and so I could feel ok breaking away to take care of business.
They all got to know me well and knew I had no one to help. I had a school Mom meet me at the mortuary to help make decisions, at the cemetery for the same thing, help with other funeral arrangements, and set up "take them a meal". I owe them everything and very thankful.
Lol, I just noticed I'm dripping a few tears on my paperwork at my desk...anyway.

I'm discovering that I am getting stronger as each day passes. I don't tear up randomly out of nowhere as I did the first week. Now it doesn't seem to happen unless I take a moment to remember her. So things are simply moving along.

There is work to be done and keeping busy certainly helps. The first thing I feel I need to do is to shore up her things and memories. Clearing out the garage and making room in the cabinets to house her things properly. She was into purses in a big way and most are expensive. I had done some research and have taken each out of it's dust bag and filled with acid free material (to keep it's shape) then placed it back in it's dust bag. As I make room in the garage I'll create a place for them. My daughter will be interested when she's ready. That takes care of the things, the memories are around collecting pictures/videos from her tablets, phone, and laptop (done) and integrating them into my personal PC and backup. The other part of this is how to deal with photo albums. The material used a few years ago in the common album will destroy your pics if left that way (granted they'll at least last 1-2 generations if left untouched but try to remove them to scan them and forget it). So I have purchased archival (acid free/PVC free) albums/inserts and will slowly move things over.
This combined with all the work the house needs should eat up a year. I made a promise to myself and a very special aunt on her side of the family, that I wouldn't consider moving on for at least a year. We had ignored a lot of home repair items spending the money/time on vacations with the kids. It's time I take care of this so I have no home related worries for years to come (and if I were to sell it would be ready).

The only fear is in what I mentioned earlier. Loneliness after my daughter leaves in two years. After typing this I'll just put it out of my mind but not so easy. I can't imagine doing well alone and I can easily see why so many older men have a great difficulty with this. I'm young/strong enough to not make a rash decision in that regard but I get it now when I hear of someone else getting it wrong.

Day by day...


Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
Drew -
There were a few things I learned the first year... they might be helpful.
-- I was almost defined by my loss when around old friends...who were also grieving to some degree.
-- Many of my wife's friends stayed with me over the years and we stay in touch.
-- I could make friends on my own with new people who were not familiar or even knew my wife.
-- I could be a good single parent to my college-age daughter but I didn't exactly realize the depth of her grief while lost in my own.
-- I could live and manage on my own...I lived alone before marriage so that was a little easier for me.
-- most of the stuff in the house was our's or her's and not much was 'my' stuff. I needed to keep her presence in the house but I needed to add a few new things that were mine... I can't explain that except it was part of taking possession and reinventing myself. (I eventually moved to a different house and different town five years later)
-- some (money) decisions I made early were not the best but they weren't 'fatal' - maybe caused by not having someone to bounce ideas off of and get second opinions.
-- I was retired and working part-time...but quit working because I lost the desire to keep it up. That was a mistake as I needed the social contact.

The whole experience of loss and regaining my life was the hardest I've ever had but it can be done.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-03-2016, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,848 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27668
Just a note on a practical level:

"The material used a few years ago in the common album will destroy your pics if left that way (granted they'll at least last 1-2 generations if left untouched but try to remove them to scan them and forget it)"

If you have a decent camera with close-up capability and a good light source, you can photograph those old pics instead of trying to scan them.

Keep hanging in there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-23-2016, 12:24 AM
 
Location: N.Anaheim SoCal
5 posts, read 3,148 times
Reputation: 56
Not a bad idea, and thank you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top