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Old 05-28-2016, 01:55 PM
Location: N.Anaheim SoCal
5 posts, read 3,148 times
Reputation: 56


Just read a lot of threads and few I can relate to. There is the common stuff about time to grieve, when to start a relationship, how to mourn. Most here are much older and I'm finding less to connect with.

I don't need to replace her & my wedding ring will stay right where it is for now. Our love was intense in the best sense of the word and we have two perfect, respectful, and loving teenagers. I never cooked but I'm learning. I clean, do laundry, wash dishes, iron clothes, keep after the kids happenings, run my wife's dental office (now up for sale unfortunately), and hold down my 9-5.

I haven't hardly touched anything of hers and have no need to. Her purse is right where she left it the morning I found myself performing CPR trying to save her life. I'm doing as well as can be expected considering. Good days and bad of course and I'm dealing with it as best I can. I washed the last load of her laundry last Sunday and as I folded it all I recognized items and just lost it. Up until now it was a short tear here and there but folding her clothes did me in. I asked my daughter to help next time. Kids are doing better than I thank the Lord.

I'd just like to say I'm glad to have finally searched for and located this site (as well as a couple others). After some thought I think locating guys similar in age and circumstance would help me best. I know it just takes a load off to have someone relate.

Other than that, and touching on a few things I've read in here, I would think that I wouldn't actively go looking for someone else but I'm sure when the time comes it will just happen. Things may change after another 6+months, who knows but there is no way I can see it happening any sooner. Thing is you would have to have moved on emotionally to be in a place to make better decisions. This is a choice for some of us. I personally wish to hold onto her memory and chose to feel the pain out of respect for her for as long as I can. This time frame is different for all but those that had a loving respect for their spouses would do the same. Yes other lives are different but not that different. If you found someone else a month later you clearly are still grieving. I cannot image being in a relationship with someone new and find this healthy. It can be if she also lost someone as she would know exactly what you are dealing with and you could comfort each other. I think I would prefer this. I can imagine honoring her late husband occasionally and she my late wife. The only exception to this is if you are "using" this other women and as long as you keep up the communication and she understands then that's your thing. It may just be me but I married for life and if I get there again it will be the same the second time around, and if it's love (please don't' use the word loosely, too many do) then if I had to go through the process again I would.

I did say "touching on a few things" I'll just leave it there for now. After rereading that last paragraph I think I should have started another thread but...hey.

Nice to meet you all and if anyone needs someone to talk to or to bounce things off of I'm here for you.

In SoCal...
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Old 05-28-2016, 02:34 PM
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
11,110 posts, read 7,352,332 times
Reputation: 6183
Sorry for your loss bud.......
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Old 05-28-2016, 03:23 PM
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
Reputation: 9008
I am so sorry for your loss. I have not loss my spouse, but she is the love of my life and can't imagine life without her. Hopefully you will find interests to occupy your time although I am sure your teenagers will keep you busy. Don't let people try to fix you up because THEY think you need someone. It's okay to grieve and miss your wife and may your memories keep you company. Life will move on, the tears will eventually slow, but there will always be that ache in your heart.
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Old 05-28-2016, 06:44 PM
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,838 posts, read 1,163,727 times
Reputation: 6056
Drew - please accept my condolences. I was a little older (55) when I lost my first wife to ALS. She had been diagnosed 18 months earlier so we had time to plan for the end. No kids at home. Still, even when it isn't a surprise, it is still a shock. Two observations I'd share with you: (1) my job was a safe haven. For 8+ hours a day I could kinda resume my old normal life. I had been with the same company for over 15 years at that point so it was good. (2) Somewhere after 6 to 8 months had passed, I had more than a few people, well-intentioned I believe, who thought I should meet their sister/neighbor/coworker/etc. It seems by your mid 50s single women outnumber single men. It was a little weird, to tell the truth. They were all okay though when I just told them "I'm not ready for that yet".
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Old 05-28-2016, 06:55 PM
3,962 posts, read 5,248,587 times
Reputation: 4549
Drew, I am so sorry for the loss of your loving wife. Please feel free to participate in this forum as much as you wish. There are lots of folks who have had experiences that are similar. But you relationship to her and your experience is completely your own. I am hoping that you and your kids can find the support and understanding that you need at this difficult and wrenching time of your lives.
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Old 05-29-2016, 12:00 AM
Location: New Mexico
5,098 posts, read 2,915,584 times
Reputation: 9413
Drew- so sorry for your loss. I was 10 years older. It is hard to lose someone - partner, friend, lover, mother and more - who you have been with half your life or more. Don't rush into anything. Work on healing yourself and your kids. It will take time. There are people or groups that can help. I still wear my ring at eight years and I'm comfortable with that and enjoy my independent lifestyle more than I expected.
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Old 05-29-2016, 05:14 AM
387 posts, read 444,625 times
Reputation: 539
I am very sorry for your loss.

I am the second wife to a man who lost his wife to cancer when he was just 1 month shy of 40. His boys were 8 and 11. I myself had lost a fiance 3 years prior to meeting my husband. I do think it helped that we had an understanding for what the other might be feeling sometimes.

Grieving takes time and is different for everyone. Life goes on because it has to. Our lost loved ones would never want us to be sad all the time. My husband's wife had told him before she passed that she didn't want him to be alone for ever. All she asked was that if he remarried she should be good to the boys.

We are now married for 12 years. Our boys are grown and doing great. We have added a 10 year old girl to the mix. Our family is beautiful. We do honor and talk about our lost ones. I cried for his first wife as we saw the boys graduate high school, college and soon to see one complete PA school.

You have a lot to go through. But understand that after the initial grieving you still have a whole life to live. Moving on will never mean forgetting the one you lost. I have found that the heart is capable of loving more than once. I wish you peace and happiness.
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Old 05-29-2016, 09:54 AM
Location: Chicago area
13,019 posts, read 7,196,376 times
Reputation: 49965
I'm sorry you're going through this dear one. I personally can't imagine it. My best friend died when she was only 32 from meningitis leaving her husband to raise two very young children. He never found another to love and it's been nearly 30 years since she left. We always watch the videos he has of her when we get together, and she's the only one he smiles for. I had always hoped he would find someone else, but I don't think he really wanted to.

I worked with a husband and wife team and it was obvious that she was "it" for him. She died from cancer in her 50's. He's been alone for over 6 years now. We connected again at my last job and I noticed that he was still wearing her ring. He said that he will forever be married to her and at 60 he does not want to start over with another. He misses her every day of his life and I suspect he always will.

Whether you find someone or not is irrelevant. Both of my devastated friends learned how to pick up the pieces and learned how to live for themselves. In the end we are all responsible for our own happiness, and if someone comes along and enhances the experience, all the better.

Your world has been rocked to it's core now. It will take some time to process what you've been through. Don't let your grief guide you and rush into anything. Finding you vs being us is a hard journey, especially after us has been so ingrained. I wish you all the best.
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Old 05-29-2016, 10:31 AM
Location: LA, CA/ In This Time and Place
5,425 posts, read 3,279,193 times
Reputation: 5033
Damn losing a loved one or spouse is tough, in old age let alone at just 48. There just is no right time when one should look for a relationship after the death of a spouse. It depends on the person and how you feel.
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Old 05-29-2016, 10:48 AM
Location: Brooklyn,NY
10,327 posts, read 12,413,543 times
Reputation: 15395
So sorry for your loss Drew. It is devastating. My Uncle lost his wife of 40 years, he was elderly as she was and combined with some health issues he went 8 months later. I was floored by the 2 losses. You are far younger though and i hope you can find some peace after this. My point regarding my Uncle is I saw the impact it had overall.

I am married over 1 year and she is my wife and best friend. The subject came up and she said she would want me to start over. Hard to fathom. I could never see myself doing it though. I said I will go to live in the woods, Maybe hop freight trains from place to place. I ain't kidding.
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