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Old 06-11-2016, 03:52 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,939,657 times
Reputation: 28958

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJ Brazen_3133 View Post
If your granddaughter is 18 she is old enough to see you on her own.
Not only is she old enough, it's completely legal. The young woman is of age. If she can drive, vote, and join the arm, she can visit her grandmother.
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Old 06-11-2016, 07:21 AM
 
10,416 posts, read 7,504,380 times
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Unfortunately, she will be affected by her mother her whole life. You do not have to be. She will allow her mother to manipulate her and the situation. You do not have to allow that.

No. Foot down. That woman is not entitled to ruin your memorial. Your grandaughter does not want to come alone. Go get her the day before and have her accompany your family. That's her choice. She can take it or leave it. She should not be used as a tool for her mother to encroach where she has no business and is not welcome.

I'm in a similar situation. I quietly went along... and may in the future. But I regret it every time. "for the children" should not apply once they're grown. Sorry. Ban the evil from your life.
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Old 06-11-2016, 07:39 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,662 posts, read 42,807,149 times
Reputation: 57379
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
My son died January 11th. He was cremated & 1/2 his ashes went to his father's family & 1/2 to mine.

My son & his ex-wife had a horrific divorce & in the end, she denied both him & me visitation with his daughter & consequently I have not seen my granddaughter since she was 5.

She recently turned 18 & reached out to me, and me to her.

My family and I will hold my son's memorial in July.

Her mother has still forbidden me knowledge of their address. But, I messaged my granddaughter with the date we were saying good-bye to her father. She expressed interest in attending the memorial but doesn't want to come alone. I don't blame her.

Her drunken mother called me asking how I would feel if she came with my granddaughter. Even though I was willing to do anything to see my granddaughter, family members (and me) said no. What she put us through, not allowing contact with my granddaughter) is inexcusable. My sister said, if my granddaughter came with a friend, she would be welcomed.

There is a very real chance that I will never get to see my granddaughter because of her mother. I am so torn.
First of all, I do not get why you would split up someone's ashes. I think someone's ashes should be in one place, but maybe that's just me.

If your granddaughter is 18, she can have a relationship with your family if she wants to. I wouldn't tell the girl's mother when the memorial service is.
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Old 06-11-2016, 07:43 AM
 
3,273 posts, read 1,953,923 times
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I have a rule that only gets stronger as I get older: Avoid toxic people like the plague. They will suck the life out of you and come back for the last bit of joy you have so they can stomp on it. She called you when she was drunk. After all those years! That tells you all you need to know about her current state of mind and personality. Don't let the specter of her arrival ruin your memorial to your son. Keep in touch with the granddaughter electronically, and take it from there. As she matures, she will find a way to see you if that is what both of you want.

Very heartbreaking and tough situation. Good luck!
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Old 06-11-2016, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,049 posts, read 7,215,941 times
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I'm wondering if the same dynamic exists with your grand daughter as it did with her mother and your son? Telling anyone that you can't have someone in your life is wrong on so many levels.

Aren't you in fact doing the same with your grand daughter and her mother now?

I totally understand why you feel the way you feel but at this stage in her life your grand daughter needs her mother, especially during a time like this.

While denying your grand daughter the person she needs most to get through the service might feel right to you, it certainly doesn't to her. She's an innocent pawn in this petty game.

I detest John's family, but I would never deny them access to John if he were terminally ill or if he left. They would be welcome to attend his memorial service and we would just not interact.

I'm sure you would barely know that she was there.

I'm sending you a big cyber hug and a wish that this nightmare will be a manageable memory soon.
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Old 06-11-2016, 12:10 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,829 posts, read 854,139 times
Reputation: 6487
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Unfortunately, she will be affected by her mother her whole life. You do not have to be. She will allow her mother to manipulate her and the situation. You do not have to allow that.

No. Foot down. That woman is not entitled to ruin your memorial. Your grandaughter does not want to come alone. Go get her the day before and have her accompany your family. That's her choice. She can take it or leave it. She should not be used as a tool for her mother to encroach where she has no business and is not welcome.

I'm in a similar situation. I quietly went along... and may in the future. But I regret it every time. "for the children" should not apply once they're grown. Sorry. Ban the evil from your life.

I agree with this because it won't be the last time it happens. You deserve to say goodbye to your son without drama. Let your grand daughter know how much you would like her to join you, but if she can't, she is always welcome and you will always love her because she is part of your son. Never talk about her mother, no matter what happens or what your grand daughter says. "I'm sorry she feels that way" is enough said.


You are good. You can be strong. Stringing this out is not going to help your grand daughter in the long run.


Hugs


B's mom
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Old 06-11-2016, 12:35 PM
 
68 posts, read 25,973 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
I'm wondering if the same dynamic exists with your grand daughter as it did with her mother and your son? Telling anyone that you can't have someone in your life is wrong on so many levels.

Aren't you in fact doing the same with your grand daughter and her mother now?

I totally understand why you feel the way you feel but at this stage in her life your grand daughter needs her mother, especially during a time like this.

While denying your grand daughter the person she needs most to get through the service might feel right to you, it certainly doesn't to her. She's an innocent pawn in this petty game.

I detest John's family, but I would never deny them access to John if he were terminally ill or if he left. They would be welcome to attend his memorial service and we would just not interact.

I'm sure you would barely know that she was there.

I'm sending you a big cyber hug and a wish that this nightmare will be a manageable memory soon.
This. Through and through. I'm so terribly sorry for you loss - absolutely. This is so heartbreaking for your granddaughter though. Through not fault of her own, she was denied the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with her father during a seminal, developmental period in her life - and she's lost that opportunity for forevermore. She'll never get over this, and she'll never forgive herself for things that could have never been her fault. She's too young to properly understand that her mother has brainwashed and manipulated her as a pawn the majority of her life - one day, and it may take many decades, she will realize this.

It's easy for the armchair quarterbacks on here who have NO idea what it's like to grow up with such a toxic parent to say that your granddaughter needs to be a big girl and leave mommy at home - but you should allow her this opportunity for some shred of closure - and, hopefully, a new beginning between her and her father's family. If she feels like she needs to have her mother with her to help her get through the day, then be the bigger person and allow her to have that crutch - whether or not you despise her.

Best to you and your family -
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Old 06-11-2016, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Aiken, South Carolina, US of A
1,752 posts, read 3,628,897 times
Reputation: 3521
Meo,
This Memorial service is for you, his mom. You have experienced the worst loss that any
human being will ever experience, the death of a child.
Do what makes you comfortable. The heck with what anyone else says.
If you don't want his ex wife there, then so be it.
You have to take care of yourself. You come first now.
Your grand daughter will show up if she wants to. It's her choice. You let her know
when and where, that is all that you should have done.
You are still raw emotionally, it hasn't been long at all, so say goodbye in your own way.
Think of you now.
Sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-11-2016, 02:26 PM
 
5,106 posts, read 6,075,701 times
Reputation: 9677
Meo. Heart goes out to you

Assume daughter knows her Mom is a drunk.

Just tell granddaughter that you are raw with grief and cannot handle a drunken situation. Keep it simple.

Tell her she herself is welcomed by herself or with a friend but this is a sad but important day for the family. She is wanted now or anytime. Love you, bye
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Old 06-11-2016, 03:32 PM
 
4,135 posts, read 3,466,216 times
Reputation: 8255
Do you have someone solid who will stand at your side through this ceremony? That way if anyone (ex DIL) wishes be unpleasant to you, that person can step in as a buffer. I have seen this done very effectively at several funerals of family with disagreeable members.

I have zero tolerance for drunks, but I would not deny anyone option of saying goodbye to any of my loved ones. And iI would put my innocent granddaughter before myself.
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