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Old 06-11-2016, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,569 posts, read 3,028,935 times
Reputation: 9488

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I have to think about all that's been said before I respond. Please give me some time.
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Old 06-11-2016, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Mt Shasta , Ca.
1,810 posts, read 1,250,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shira_k View Post
I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your child and not having contact with your grandchild.

At this point in her life, your granddaughter doesn't *need*her mother for keeping in contact with you, but her mother (dysfunctional as she may be) is her mother. Her father is dead. Her grandparents /cousins etc from her father's side were cut out of her life. And there is now a chance that you can see her, and you're pushing it away? If I were you I would allow your daughter in law to come. This will give you a chance to reconnect with your granddaughter! Once the relationship has been reestablished, your granddaughter will be able to be in direct contact, hopefully without mom.
This is great advice

Its too late to worry about the whys and what if's or even go over the whole horrible story as far as the mother is concerned . It's all water under the bridge now that she is 18 . I think like Shira she just needs a little security at first with her mom being there then if all goes well I think you wont have to deal with the mom much anymore if at all . BTW I CANOT STAND a drunk . OMG I was married to one . A Real one .

Last edited by DutchessCottonPuff; 06-11-2016 at 05:39 PM..
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Old 06-11-2016, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,569 posts, read 3,028,935 times
Reputation: 9488
Thank you all for your responses.

As it stands, my gut feeling is to say no to the mother. When she phones, she has consistently lied to me & maybe herself about the realities of what transpired. I think she fears that my granddaughter will find out that she has lied to her all her life.

I wouldn't even have to say anything. If my granddaughter ever saw the pictures of her and me together, it would be obvious.

I do not know why the mother is the way she is but, no, I do not have to deal with it. I hope my granddaughter comes but I am not, at this point, extending the invitation to her mother.

I have posted in this forum since my son died & if you care to, you can look at them to see what has transpired since then.
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Old 06-11-2016, 10:26 PM
 
6,175 posts, read 3,273,400 times
Reputation: 12536
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
My son died January 11th. He was cremated & 1/2 his ashes went to his father's family & 1/2 to mine.

My son & his ex-wife had a horrific divorce & in the end, she denied both him & me visitation with his daughter & consequently I have not seen my granddaughter since she was 5.

She recently turned 18 & reached out to me, and me to her.

My family and I will hold my son's memorial in July.

Her mother has still forbidden me knowledge of their address. But, I messaged my granddaughter with the date we were saying good-bye to her father. She expressed interest in attending the memorial but doesn't want to come alone. I don't blame her.

Her drunken mother called me asking how I would feel if she came with my granddaughter. Even though I was willing to do anything to see my granddaughter, family members (and me) said no. What she put us through, not allowing contact with my granddaughter) is inexcusable. My sister said, if my granddaughter came with a friend, she would be welcomed.

There is a very real chance that I will never get to see my granddaughter because of her mother. I am so torn.
I agree with your family members who say to avoid contact with the ex daughter-in-law. She is an alcoholic and has wreaked havoc with your family and shown that she didn't care about her daughter having a relationship with your family. There's nothing in what you say in your OP that indicates any change in her behavior, other than wanting to tag along with the granddaughter.

I suspect she wants to come with her daughter to make sure you all don't say anything bad about her. To alcoholics and self-involved people, everything is about themselves.

Your granddaughter is now 18. She can come alone or with a friend. Does she live w/her mother? If not, can someone in your family pick her up? Does she have a car?

The granddaughter is now an adult in many states and does not need her mother's permission to do anything. If she wants to meet you, spend time with you, share sorrow over her father's death, she is free to do that, and you are free to tell her that you want her to come.

But I would ix-nay the girl's mother coming. She is nothing but trouble to your family (and probably to herself). Nothing good comes with an ill wind. It may sound harsh, but to encourage negative people like that opens up your family to negativity that you don't need right now. Or at any time.

It's not you who is being harsh, if you decide that. It is the daughter-in-law who did it. There's no getting back the years of your granddaughter. That can't be undone. But you can have a relationship with her, now that she's grown.....without the mother.
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Old 06-12-2016, 01:22 AM
 
5,711 posts, read 1,733,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
Her drunken mother called me asking how I would feel if she came with my granddaughter. Even though I was willing to do anything to see my granddaughter, family members (and me) said no. What she put us through, not allowing contact with my granddaughter) is inexcusable. My sister said, if my granddaughter came with a friend, she would be welcomed.
Is this a joke? Are you out of your mind? If you have wanted to see your granddaughter for years and now you have a chance to do it, do it!
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Old 06-12-2016, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,513 posts, read 16,001,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hbdwihdh378y9 View Post
Is this a joke? Are you out of your mind? If you have wanted to see your granddaughter for years and now you have a chance to do it, do it!
I disagree. After more than a decade of keeping her daughter away from her grandmother & other members of the dad's family I strongly suspect that the mother (ex-wife of the OPs deceased son) only wants to come to make trouble at the memorial service. If the OP lets her come I suspect the ex-wife will either be drunk, throw a huge tantrum, tell lies to anyone who will listen or all three.

An 18 year old is old enough to go places without her mother tagging along. If the granddaughter does not want to come alone she can bring a good friend but not her mother/the former DIL who caused years of heartache and pain for the OP and her family.
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Old 06-12-2016, 09:35 AM
 
9,386 posts, read 8,770,285 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJ Brazen_3133 View Post
If your granddaughter is 18 she is old enough to see you on her own.
This!!
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,069 posts, read 7,228,362 times
Reputation: 50069
[quote=germaine2626;44385032]I disagree. After more than a decade of keeping her daughter away from her grandmother & other members of the dad's family I strongly suspect that the mother (ex-wife of the OPs deceased son) only wants to come to make trouble at the memorial service. If the OP lets her come I suspect the ex-wife will either be drunk, throw a huge tantrum, tell lies to anyone who will listen or all three.

An 18 year old is old enough to go places without her mother tagging along. If the granddaughter does not want to come alone she can bring a good friend but not her mother/the former DIL who caused years of heartache and pain for the OP and her family.


Or after many years the ex daughter in law may have actually grown up a tad and may just show up, pay her respects, and leave.

Nobody despises dysfunctional people as much as I do, but they are still also human beings with a good side.

There is a lot of bad blood between John's brother and one sister that died last year and me. They were very rude to me at John's father's funeral over a decade ago. I took the high road and said that I was sorry for their loss and excused myself.

Yes people can be rectums at funerals, but it's all in the way it's handled.

Bad behavior should never be tolerated and removed at these events immediately.

If she is respectful, then let her stay.

It's easy enough to form a myopic view and judge a person from past experiences. It's also very hard to form another opinion that may or may not be deserved after your mind is shut.

I can deal with anyone for an hour or so once in a life time. They never have to see each other again after the service.
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:12 AM
 
2,287 posts, read 2,499,636 times
Reputation: 7000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly4u View Post
Meo,
This Memorial service is for you, his mom. You have experienced the worst loss that any
human being will ever experience, the death of a child.
Do what makes you comfortable. The heck with what anyone else says.
If you don't want his ex wife there, then so be it.
You have to take care of yourself. You come first now.
Your grand daughter will show up if she wants to. It's her choice. You let her know
when and where, that is all that you should have done.
You are still raw emotionally, it hasn't been long at all, so say goodbye in your own way.
Think of you now.
Sorry for your loss.



This. My condolences. I cant imagine having these problems on top of losing your beloved son. I wouldn't risk her causing a scene on the day you're honoring your son, no way. She already took enough from you, I wouldn't let her take this day. IF your grand daughter was a young child I might risk it, but not at 18.


Wishing you peace and loving memories.
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Old 06-12-2016, 01:03 PM
 
10,428 posts, read 7,522,898 times
Reputation: 18409
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
Thank you all for your responses.

As it stands, my gut feeling is to say no to the mother. When she phones, BLOCK HER CALLS she has consistently lied to me & maybe herself about the realities of what transpired. I think she fears that my granddaughter will find out that she has lied to her all her life.

I wouldn't even have to say anything. If my granddaughter ever saw the pictures of her and me together, it would be obvious.

I do not know why the mother is the way she is but, no, I do not have to deal with it. I hope my granddaughter comes but I am not, at this point, extending the invitation to her mother.

I have posted in this forum since my son died & if you care to, you can look at them to see what has transpired since then.
Worked great for me! Got nothing to say! Do not want that evil person's voice in my ear nor in my head. There is absolutely nothing for "us" (and that word should not apply to that person and me) to discuss.

(in my case) Her children (adults) are accustomed to her insanity and abuse. Sadly, my guy is accustomed to that treatment as well. Kind acts often take him by surprise - yes, life can be pleasant and full of love. Sadder still is the fact her children often mirror that nastiness to their own loved ones. Nice legacy. I want no part of it. I'm proud when he tells his daughters that it's unacceptable for them to be verbally abusive to him, when once-upon-a-time he did accept it.

Best wishes. Stay strong. Block out the evil one from your phone, your thoughts, your life.
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