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Old 06-10-2016, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,541 posts, read 3,008,088 times
Reputation: 9433

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My son died January 11th. He was cremated & 1/2 his ashes went to his father's family & 1/2 to mine.

My son & his ex-wife had a horrific divorce & in the end, she denied both him & me visitation with his daughter & consequently I have not seen my granddaughter since she was 5.

She recently turned 18 & reached out to me, and me to her.

My family and I will hold my son's memorial in July.

Her mother has still forbidden me knowledge of their address. But, I messaged my granddaughter with the date we were saying good-bye to her father. She expressed interest in attending the memorial but doesn't want to come alone. I don't blame her.

Her drunken mother called me asking how I would feel if she came with my granddaughter. Even though I was willing to do anything to see my granddaughter, family members (and me) said no. What she put us through, not allowing contact with my granddaughter) is inexcusable. My sister said, if my granddaughter came with a friend, she would be welcomed.

There is a very real chance that I will never get to see my granddaughter because of her mother. I am so torn.
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:31 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,501,765 times
Reputation: 10183
Too bad you didn't use it as an opportunity to negotiate.
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:33 PM
 
4,948 posts, read 16,051,479 times
Reputation: 2855
Could she just bring your granddaughter and leave her with you. That way you both can visit in peace.

The Mom could I am sure spend time shopping etc.
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:33 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
15,815 posts, read 4,933,811 times
Reputation: 48042
Meo, first let me say that I am so very sorry that you lost your son. That must be an unimaginable heartbreak.

Your ex daughter-in-law behaved badly, and I don't blame you for not wanting to see her. That said, you might try to think of the memorial as an opportunity to begin healing from these wounds. After all, she is the woman your son once loved and who is the mother of his child. If I were you, I would allow her to attend if she wishes to and be cordial to her.

Perhaps your former daughter-in-law is is sorry for her past behavior and wants to make amends. Perhaps not. It sounds like she definitely has some issues. But if you can bring yourself to be the better person and welcome her despite the wrong she's done, this could be the first step in making peace with her and moving forward. Also, think of your granddaughter. She has just lost one of her parents. It couldn't possibly be good for her if you and her mother remain sworn enemies.

Best wishes to you as you deal with this very difficult situation.
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Old 06-10-2016, 06:42 PM
 
619 posts, read 323,977 times
Reputation: 1633
I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your child and not having contact with your grandchild.

At this point in her life, your granddaughter doesn't *need*her mother for keeping in contact with you, but her mother (dysfunctional as she may be) is her mother. Her father is dead. Her grandparents /cousins etc from her father's side were cut out of her life. And there is now a chance that you can see her, and you're pushing it away? If I were you I would allow your daughter in law to come. This will give you a chance to reconnect with your granddaughter! Once the relationship has been reestablished, your granddaughter will be able to be in direct contact, hopefully without mom.
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Old 06-10-2016, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,541 posts, read 3,008,088 times
Reputation: 9433
What all of you have said are things I have asked myself. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, saying it was all my son's half sister that did all the damage. But, his half-sister had no decision-making power in the situation, only my son's wife as they were not divorced yet.

What she did (and I still do not know how she did it) was ban me and my family from visiting my son when he was in the burn unit at the hospital. I had to go to the highest official to get that over-ruled. Then I found out 5 years later that she'd told him he would never see his daughter if he kept in contact with me.

I have never figured out what her problem with me was until my son finally reconnected with me & told me that she was always jealous of me.

I will never understand that one. Hello, mom's & son's normally love each other. I can't say any more. It all makes me so sad.
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Old 06-10-2016, 10:24 PM
 
Location: The sleepy part of New York City
1,869 posts, read 1,041,395 times
Reputation: 4046
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
What all of you have said are things I have asked myself. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, saying it was all my son's half sister that did all the damage. But, his half-sister had no decision-making power in the situation, only my son's wife as they were not divorced yet.

What she did (and I still do not know how she did it) was ban me and my family from visiting my son when he was in the burn unit at the hospital. I had to go to the highest official to get that over-ruled. Then I found out 5 years later that she'd told him he would never see his daughter if he kept in contact with me.

I have never figured out what her problem with me was until my son finally reconnected with me & told me that she was always jealous of me.

I will never understand that one. Hello, mom's & son's normally love each other. I can't say any more. It all makes me so sad.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

I understand your former daughter in law treated you very badly in the past and I don't blame you one bit for being angry at her, but as hard as it is you've got to get past that. I'm not saying you have to open your heart to her, or forgive her. Just be cordial while you establish a relationship with your granddaughter. Don't let your anger at the mom get in the way of beginning a relationship with your granddaughter. The door's been open for you to reconnect with her and that's what is most important. Don't let that opportunity go to waste. This may be the only time it happens.
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Old 06-10-2016, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,741 posts, read 1,996,620 times
Reputation: 4619
Truth be told, I don't blame the family members one bit.

Ideally, I'd definitely ask her to bring a friend, but if not, I guess have her come with her Mother (and have it be the last time you see if need be).

Either way, I'm glad that it seems you're going to re-connect with your granddaughter after all these years
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Old 06-10-2016, 11:15 PM
 
15,831 posts, read 18,446,953 times
Reputation: 25609
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
My son died January 11th. He was cremated & 1/2 his ashes went to his father's family & 1/2 to mine.

My son & his ex-wife had a horrific divorce & in the end, she denied both him & me visitation with his daughter & consequently I have not seen my granddaughter since she was 5.

She recently turned 18 & reached out to me, and me to her.

My family and I will hold my son's memorial in July.

Her mother has still forbidden me knowledge of their address. But, I messaged my granddaughter with the date we were saying good-bye to her father. She expressed interest in attending the memorial but doesn't want to come alone. I don't blame her.

Her drunken mother called me asking how I would feel if she came with my granddaughter. Even though I was willing to do anything to see my granddaughter, family members (and me) said no. What she put us through, not allowing contact with my granddaughter) is inexcusable. My sister said, if my granddaughter came with a friend, she would be welcomed.

There is a very real chance that I will never get to see my granddaughter because of her mother. I am so torn.
Seems this time it is your doing, as the mother did reach out. People can change a lot in 13 years. I would do it, at least for the granddaughter.
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Old 06-11-2016, 12:01 AM
 
5,395 posts, read 5,645,485 times
Reputation: 2390
If your granddaughter is 18 she is old enough to see you on her own.
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