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Old 06-15-2016, 08:56 AM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 959,844 times
Reputation: 1753


I posted about my Dad dying of cancer. We didn't always have the best relationship, and really since my mother passed 3 years ago he wants me to call everyday. And I did - however, there are times he gets mean and abusive. Says nasty things about my husband, about me, my stepson, even my pets! I can't really challenge him because...well he is dying and frankly he will hold it over my head.

Lately I have been visiting him on weekends (I live an hour away) and when I do, he is kinda into this one upmanship that is getting me down. All I ever here from him is how great my niece is, how great my sister is, how great my brother in law is...then he will get on me what is wrong with my husband, why don't I get rid of my pets, etc. I never tell him much about my personal life, and he never asks. For example, this weekend it was 5 minutes on how great my niece made his bed, then 5 minutes on how great my sister is for making a roast when she worked all day, and then he makes a snide comment about me not having common sense. It is really wearing on me, and I have tried to change the subject to no avail. Its very much everyone is so great, but you suck kinda mentality.

Physically and emotionally, I am run down! My husband was just in the hospital a few days, and I work everyday with a long commute and a household to run. I am driving hours on the weekend to see him, just to have him hostile with me. Its been very hard and I am running on empty, but this emotional crap he is doing to me is making me feel kinda angry and drained. I know it is just a matter of time my father says my husband is a big baby - he already started on some levels weeks ago when my husband started having problems. I give it a week and my Dad will tell me how lazy my husband is, how he is stupid, how he is a baby and he should suck it up and deal (this has all been said to me before).

A bit of back ground with my sister - she has always been favorite, and she does live closer and help out more. However, I think she is really, really spending a lot of time with him to try to get the rest of his money. My other brother and sister are already estranged from my father and out of the will, but I think my sister is trying to get my father to wedge me out. I may just be paranoid, but she just had him put his house in her name "for tax purposes", but now she says that when she sells it we can split costs "but she has to hold onto it for 5 years so she doesn't get the tax hit," hmmmm. I just think there is more to this story than meets the eye...

Can anybody relate? Any pointers?? I'm trying to remain positive and not let this stuff get to me, but with it being constant its tough...I just need to vent a bit.
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Old 06-15-2016, 11:15 AM
3,964 posts, read 5,254,642 times
Reputation: 4554
It seems like you need to talk with your sister about what is actually happening. Do this in what ever way you thing would work best - by letter, by phone, in person. But I wouldn't make any charges of unfairness or grasping at this point. Just see if she will level with you about the house and her plans. And do express your concerns. Ask her specifically about what tax consequences she is speaking of, and whether she consulted someone about this. If the two of you have a good relationship, she might be able to intercede a little about your father's negativity as well. I would also be careful with the word "fair." Sometimes fair looks different to different people. I would approach this more as finding a solution that will avoid a split in the family, or what is left of it, that everyone can feel good about. You never know - sometimes one person staying steadfastly calm and positive can make a big difference.
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Old 06-15-2016, 01:00 PM
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,860 posts, read 51,373,474 times
Reputation: 27750
"however, there are times he gets mean and abusive. Says nasty things about my husband, about me, my stepson, even my pets! I can't really challenge him because...well he is dying and frankly he will hold it over my head. "

Dad, before we talk today, you have said some mean things about my husband, me, my stepson and pets. I'm happy to talk with you, but if you go down that road I am hanging up for today. You'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk with me again. I love you, but you are not showing love when you talk like that. I don't want to remember you like that. Your attitude is your problem, not mine. So... how are you today?

ONE warning when he steps out of line, then do it. After two times and he recognizes you mean it, that behavior should vanish. (BTW, I'm flipping that "he'll hold it over your head" into YOU holding it over his head as a caring intervention.)
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Old 06-15-2016, 02:16 PM
Location: Tennessee at last!
1,870 posts, read 1,726,802 times
Reputation: 3715
OH, and the house could be put in your sister and YOUR name...for tax purposes... so you and she do not have to pay a gift tax when she 'gifts' you with half when the house sells!

You should call her on these things. No sense waiting until you dad is gone, if she is sneaky now, ask your dad what his intent was-to give her the house or to manage it for both of your benefit...and ask when he has a nurse or someone else around to witness the conversation. And if he says that he gave it totally to your sister, at least then you will know. But if part is for you, then you need that documented BEFORE he passes.

And if your dad has a few favorite dinners, maybe you can make them during the week for your family and bring him the 'left overs' to eat during the week. Let him know you do cook, etc., but not in a bragging about it way. Tell him your son did something positive and your husband too. They planted a garden, painted the fence, whatever. You can feed your dad positive information about your family to contradict whatever else he is hearing from wherever.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:00 PM
5,447 posts, read 3,407,578 times
Reputation: 20564
OP, I am sorry your father uses you as a verbal punching bag. No one deserves that.

But to be honest, I'm not sure why you keep going back for more. If it's because you think you're still in your father's will or you'll feel guilty if you don't visit, here is a hard fact:

Whoever lives closest is going to get the most. Period, end of story. Whoever lives closest will be at the house long before anyone else can be -- and the will be damned. Whoever lives closest will frequently bring the grandchildren, who will be on their very best, most winsome behavior when they go to visit PopPop. Very few elderly people can resist getting all that attention.

I have seen this scenario play out more times than I can count. And despite careful estate planning, it's happening close to me as well.

It sounds like your sister has convinced your father she is the only one who truly cares about him. I'm sorry. It sucks.
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Old 06-16-2016, 11:31 AM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 959,844 times
Reputation: 1753
I feel guilty if I don't visit, like what is he died the next day...that and really he is not ALWAYS horrible. There are times he is nice and kind, and is seeming to make amends. He gets in terrible moods, always has. I have tried to talk to him about it before and then he will say stuff like I should just take pills and make myself die. He takes all corrections of behavior (or attempts) as deep, personal criticism even when you word it like "I feel...".

As far as my sister, I have no idea what crap she is trying to pull...she says her daughter is going to live in the house now when my father passes. I really didn't want the house or money, but I feel a bit slighted by the whole thing because it was never really said why this is happening besides the house has to be held onto for 5 years so there is no inheritance tax. I think my sister thought getting the house put in her name would immediately get her out of any taxes on it.

I just decided to walk away from this deal, I don't want bad blood with my sister and my Dad should not have to worry about any of this stuff in his last days. I guess this means she also assumes all responsibility for payment of taxes, utilities, repairs, etc. Guess there is always a silver lining there.

He is getting to the point he is not really eating much solid food, so it is really getting me upset that I can not spend more time with him even with his abusive behavior.
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Old 06-16-2016, 04:51 PM
3,964 posts, read 5,254,642 times
Reputation: 4554
I can't really give you advice about what to do. I think you will negotiate all this as best you can. I just want to mention that guilt will not be a positive thing in your life going forward. You are just a human being, doing the best you can with the resources you have. Think now of things you want to do that will prevent guilt from slipping in. If you may later feel guilty if you don't say something to your dad, say it now. Think carefully about what may actually bother you later, and take care of it now. You may not really care about the house. If that is the case, let it go. Think about what you might do now that could make your life easier later. Don't end up saying "I wish I had done that...."
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