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Old 06-30-2016, 06:56 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,584,113 times
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No and no one expects you to!!
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Old 06-30-2016, 09:33 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,664,795 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I understand what your saying harry and grasshopper and by getting “through it" I guess I mean more like getting over it. Maybe I'll learn to live with the pain and some day I can find some sort of happiness through my family or something else but today all I feel is pain. It's only been a little over a month so I'm not at the point where I'm ready to feel better.
"Getting over" it would be lovely, but don't aim there. It is a PROCESS, it takes all the time it needs, and a 100% "over it" might be years down the road if ever. If your hubby had been abusive or otherwise hurtful, then "getting over" his death might be something you would do quickly. Love and caring take longer. Internalizing him and becoming the revised "you" involves pain. Your mind is having to do as hard a workout as your body would if it was training for the Olympics. You will get there. Just please reach out for and accept help as you need it. We are all rooting for you.
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Old 07-01-2016, 08:40 AM
 
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Dear MLC. Please be gentle with yourself this holiday weekend. Holidays can be so hard, especially when it's family time. I have a very difficult time with holidays myself. I try to look at them as just another day. It's easier that way.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, as all of us here are. And as another poster said, we are rooting for you! Hugs.
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Old 07-01-2016, 11:25 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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I'm dreading this holiday weekend but my mom is going to stay with me on Saturday and Sunday and I'm spending the 4th with my husband's family so at least I won't be alone.

I started to think about what Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be like without him and I got really depressed. I know I shouldn't even think that far ahead but I can't help thinking about all of the things that he's not going to be here for.

I feel so bad that my daughter is never going to have a complete family with a mother and a father and that she's getting cheated out of the happy life we planned for her.

I don't know how I'm supposed to throw birthday parties and put up Christmas trees and put on a happy face for the next 16 years. She doesn't deserve this. My heart hurts just thinking about it.
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Old 07-01-2016, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,531 posts, read 16,107,450 times
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Don't think ahead to future birthdays or future holidays, just deal with each day (or each hour or each minute) as it comes.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. A complete family can be a mother and a daughter, or a mother and a daughter and extended relatives or a mother and a daughter and close friends.


Surviving Grief ... and Learning to Live Again
by Dr. Catherine M. Sanders. This is a book that I found very useful after the death of my mother. In fact, I found it so useful that I purchased multiple copies and would pass them on to friends when they faced a death in their family. Many of them passed on their copies to others, after a period of time.

Many hugs to you.
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Old 07-01-2016, 02:10 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,285,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I understand what your saying harry and grasshopper and by getting “through it" I guess I mean more like getting over it. Maybe I'll learn to live with the pain and some day I can find some sort of happiness through my family or something else but today all I feel is pain. It's only been a little over a month so I'm not at the point where I'm ready to feel better.
No, I was not feeling better at one month. I understand that. The pain was vivid and ever-present and seemed insurmountable. I have to say that you will never truely get "over it." You will always love your precious husband, even when you get to the point of enjoying life again. I know widows who have later remarried and had more children, etc., and are very happy. But have they gotten "over" their first husband? No. They still miss him and regret his loss. That doesn't mean they cannot rebuild their lives. But if you are like me, and many other widows I know, getting through those first months and even years is what it is all about right now.

This is the image I have thought of to help me (and others) understand what I was going through:

It is like you have been plunged into an ocean of grief. You must swim through it. It is stormy and hard and the pain is unbelievable, but you can't avoid it. You can stop off at an island now and then to distract yourself and get a little respite, but you will have to keep swimming through it. It is a long swim. At some point, you will find yourself getting nearer to the shore, to the reality of truly living again. Even when you make it to shore and feel like you know you will have a life to live, you will remain close to the shore, and every now and then, you will be pulled back in to swim in the grief for a while. But each time, you will be able to get back to the shore. That's about where I am right now. I am hoping that I will be able to actually build a happy emotional dwelling place on land and that when I go back to the shore, I can look out and remember my past life with love and peace, and not plunge into the water. But that remains to be seen.

Now, by way of totally over-working a metaphore, I can tell you that I have heard of people who find a party boat and jump on, drowning their sorrow in drink, drugs, sex, etc. It seems like those folks will have to swim that ocean at some point, but I don't have any knowledge about how that works.

I hope that wasn't way too many words. I am telling you that there is a shore out there, and you will be able, one day, to get to it.

Blessings
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Old 07-01-2016, 05:44 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,732 times
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I'm rooting for you, too. I just lost my husband in March and I am now caring for our young adult child with a disability. Weekends and holidays are so hard for me, watching everyone rushing around, having fun. I'm a bit older than you, 52. It hurts every moment of every day, but because of our daughter, I have to be strong. I don't want to be strong, I want to go with my husband. It's not fair and I don't understand why. 😪
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Old 07-01-2016, 07:07 PM
 
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Thank you grasshopper (and everyone else) for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. I'm in a place right now where I'm so far out to sea that it feels like the shore doesn't even exist and I'm just treading water trying not to drown.

Also, thank you germaine for the book recommendation. A friend gave me another book on grieving but I haven't started reading it. Somehow reading a book about being a widow makes it real and part of me still doesn't want to believe it yet.
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Old 07-01-2016, 07:34 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jontwin4 View Post
I'm rooting for you, too. I just lost my husband in March and I am now caring for our young adult child with a disability. Weekends and holidays are so hard for me, watching everyone rushing around, having fun. I'm a bit older than you, 52. It hurts every moment of every day, but because of our daughter, I have to be strong. I don't want to be strong, I want to go with my husband. It's not fair and I don't understand why. ��
I'm so sorry for your loss. We are in very similar situations, losing our husbands yet having to stay strong because we have someone else depending on us to take care of them. Most days I just want to fall apart but I can't because my daughter is dependent on me for her survival. I don't want to be strong either but we are strong because we have to be.

I know it doesn't help much but know that your not alone, I feel your pain and it does help a little to talk here.
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Old 07-01-2016, 07:59 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,732 times
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I'll be thinking of you both through the holiday. 😔

Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss. We are in very similar situations, losing our husbands yet having to stay strong because we have someone else depending on us to take care of them. Most days I just want to fall apart but I can't because my daughter is dependent on me for her survival. I don't want to be strong either but we are strong because we have to be.

I know it doesn't help much but know that your not alone, I feel your pain and it does help a little to talk here.
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