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Old 07-01-2016, 09:53 PM
 
6,031 posts, read 2,060,939 times
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And we will all be thinking about you both, MLC and JonTwin. Holidays can be so full of expectations and Hallmark moments that do little to bring comfort to those who are suffering incredible losses. I haven't lost a spouse, but I've lost my beloved parents, dear friends and wonderful in-laws. I find holidays to be very difficult. I try to think of them as regular days and just let them pass, as they most surely will.

You both are very strong, even though you don't feel like it. You are getting up every day, taking care of your beloved children. A month ago you probably never thought you could have made it this far. Hugs to you both.
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Old 07-03-2016, 12:10 PM
 
636 posts, read 401,028 times
Reputation: 1762
I don't know why but I've been torturing myself by looking at photos and reading through all the texts we sent to each other. We really were oblivious to what was to come. I look at the pictures of the months leading up to the accident and we look so normal and happy. Most of our texts are about routine everyday stuff but they are also filled with love and joy. He really was an amazing husband and father.

This weekend has been absolute agony so far and it's not even close to being over with. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I just miss my best friend. He was always my favorite person to spend time with and no one can fill that void. My heart hurts.
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Old 07-03-2016, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,985 posts, read 51,753,912 times
Reputation: 28048
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I don't know why but I've been torturing myself by looking at photos and reading through all the texts we sent to each other. We really were oblivious to what was to come. I look at the pictures of the months leading up to the accident and we look so normal and happy. Most of our texts are about routine everyday stuff but they are also filled with love and joy. He really was an amazing husband and father.

This weekend has been absolute agony so far and it's not even close to being over with. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I just miss my best friend. He was always my favorite person to spend time with and no one can fill that void. My heart hurts.
You are integrating. It can be torture, but it is important. I appreciate the way you are framing your words now. You are a fast learner in addition to being loving.
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Old 07-03-2016, 04:24 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,880 times
Reputation: 111
It does. It hurts and hurts and hurts. If it didn't, what you had wouldn't be love. But it was love.

When my husband died in March, the pain was blinding. I couldn't go grocery shopping because my eyes would spot his favorite bread on sale, my heart would sink as I realized I would never need his bread again. I can't promise that it will be this way for you, but now, once in awhile, I laugh again, not just laugh for my daughter's sake, but really laugh for a brief moment. My husband died suddenly, so my goodbye was at the funeral home. I kissed him on the forehead -- it hurts so bad to remember he couldn't kiss me, too -- and I promised I will try to be happy again someday, that my kids would not have to watch me die inside for the rest of their lives. To be honest, I don't know if I can do it. But I do laugh once in awhile and that's something.

Also, I don't know your spiritual beliefs and I'm not going to go into mine here because it's not relevant. But I want to tell you that when my husband died -- for no reason! 😔 -- all of my beliefs were tossed into the ocean, for me to try to find again. Now this is the weird part: I feel my husband in my life more than I expected. It's not enough, not like it was when he was here, not at all, but I do feel him. My daughter and I have a bedtime routine we've started to help us connect with him. We have a quiet time, lying downstairs while our dogs have their chews. If the day has been tumultuous I thought this would help us settle down each day. After awhile, we started to feel connected, with each other and with my husband. I am crying as I write this because it is not enough.

Weekends are the worst times for us, especially with a holiday thrown in there. Other bad times are when I injure myself in some minor way, because he was so caring. My husband worked at home (he was a cartoonist) so he was part of every day-to-day activity. We ache for his presence every single moment. It has been like that since we lost him.

You're not torturing yourself by looking at photos. You are processing however you need to process in order to grieve. If you search online, you will find accounts from so many people who were unable to process the grief much at all. You will see, as I do, that not to process the grief compounds the awful pain of your loss. You will process as you are able, as will your child. Accept it and accept that there is no way to get past grief except by going through it. See? I know some of the words, but mostly I am in awful pain. I don't understand why I'm expected to be "strong" and go on without my soulmate. I'll be thinking of you and your daughter.
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Old 07-03-2016, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,868 posts, read 2,451,443 times
Reputation: 3247
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I don't know why but I've been torturing myself by looking at photos and reading through all the texts we sent to each other. We really were oblivious to what was to come. I look at the pictures of the months leading up to the accident and we look so normal and happy. Most of our texts are about routine everyday stuff but they are also filled with love and joy. He really was an amazing husband and father.

This weekend has been absolute agony so far and it's not even close to being over with. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I just miss my best friend. He was always my favorite person to spend time with and no one can fill that void. My heart hurts.
I hardly ever write a comment on this thread, but I read it every day and I think of you every day. Sending loving thoughts your way. I know I can't say anything to really help you feel better, but I hope that you knowing a complete stranger cares about you and thinks of you does something good when you are feeling so lost and alone.
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Old 07-03-2016, 05:33 PM
 
636 posts, read 401,028 times
Reputation: 1762
It hurts so much to look at the photos of him and to read the words he wrote to me and especially to hear his voice in the videos but I want to do it. I need to do it. Sometimes for just a moment I can pretend that's this isn't real and I'm there with him in that picture and that none of this ever happened.

Jontwin, it's funny that you mentioned the grocery store because I had a mini breakdown in one today over something similar. I was already on the verge of tears after seeing his favorite candy on sale but then a song came on that reminded me of him and I just started crying right there in the store. Grocery shopping for just me and the little one is depressing.
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Old 07-03-2016, 05:36 PM
 
636 posts, read 401,028 times
Reputation: 1762
Quote:
Originally Posted by vrexy View Post
I hardly ever write a comment on this thread, but I read it every day and I think of you every day. Sending loving thoughts your way. I know I can't say anything to really help you feel better, but I hope that you knowing a complete stranger cares about you and thinks of you does something good when you are feeling so lost and alone.
Thank you so much, it does help knowing that someone cares.
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Old 07-03-2016, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
23,037 posts, read 22,075,178 times
Reputation: 28116
This weekend is rather unpleasant for me, and I've been a widow for a while. Some things get better, some things just change and don't hurt, or hurt as much. There will always be things that bother me, you. Things are different than they used to be, and I don't really like it. There isn't a choice.

If you're anything like me, the mere thought of being anything even remotely like happy--even for a moment seems an impossibility. Not even in some imagined future. It took quite a while, but one day, I realized that I was laughing at something that I found funny. I couldn't believe it.

The things that helped me the most were completely wallowing in self pity, indulging myself whenever possible and being around others who would take my mind off of things for a while.
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Old 07-03-2016, 08:21 PM
 
4,001 posts, read 5,294,043 times
Reputation: 4597
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
It hurts so much to look at the photos of him and to read the words he wrote to me and especially to hear his voice in the videos but I want to do it. I need to do it. Sometimes for just a moment I can pretend that's this isn't real and I'm there with him in that picture and that none of this ever happened.

Jontwin, it's funny that you mentioned the grocery store because I had a mini breakdown in one today over something similar. I was already on the verge of tears after seeing his favorite candy on sale but then a song came on that reminded me of him and I just started crying right there in the store. Grocery shopping for just me and the little one is depressing.
I agree with jontwin that this is not torturing yourself. This is something you need to do to process your husband's life and the fact of what has happened. You should go with what feels right, even if it is terribly painful. I did this over and over. It was a great joy when I discovered, 8 months after his death, an audio tape of my son interviewing my husband as a 7th grade project. He was talking about his childhood and his life to that point. It was so wonderful to hear his voice! Of course, it made me cry, but I am so glad I have that tape. Same with videos and pictures. (We took so many videos of our son when he was little; I found myself wishing we had gotten more views of my husband!)

Yes, crying in the grocery store - don't feel badly about it. There are so many reminders there.

Both melovecookies and Jontwin4: I am with you both, as I think many of us are. I'm praying for you and hoping for the day that you start to feel that life is still here for you. That day will come, but in the meantime, we can all feel your pain. Sending you hugs and comfort.
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Old 07-03-2016, 08:31 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,407 posts, read 5,779,756 times
Reputation: 7156
I have not had time to read this whole thread, but I've been reading bits and pieces of it here and there. To the OP, and also the others posting who've had a loss, I extend my deepest sympathies. I wish there was something I could do to make the weekend a little easier for you all.
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