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Old 07-03-2016, 08:32 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,666 times
Reputation: 111

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Thank you, G Grasshopper. Sometimes I can't believe I have to get through this. I wish I had gone with my husband. I want him so much. I know there was nothing I did to make this happen, but I keep going over what I could've/should've done, all the times I was really annoying (we didn't really fight, and arguments were resolved pretty quickly). Was it because I didn't want to move to North Carolina, where he hoped we could retire one day? Maybe I nagged about chores too much? I'm not a child, but my thinking is magical: If only I could find out WHY, then I could take responsibility for it, be sufficiently sorry. Then -- then I would wake up and find him next to me. So many people, they get to grow old with their husbands -- into their 80s. Why not me? Why?
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Old 07-04-2016, 12:35 PM
 
3,988 posts, read 5,282,071 times
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I can't tell you how many times I wished I could go with my husband. Now I only think that once in a while. But when I do, I always tell myself that I am here for now, and I am going to just try my best here. One day I will be "there," but that is not under my control. I know everyone has different beliefs and faiths, but in my heart I know that he is somewhere peaceful and that one day I will be with him. He has "returned" to me several times. The last time was in a dream with no plot where he just looked into my eyes and said "I love you. I'm with you."

As for dwelling on the "why" and thinking you could have done something differently, I understand to urge to think this way, but it ultimately will not help. You and I are very different in one way: my husband and I had lots of warning that he was going to die. I try very hard not to compare a sudden vs. a drawn out death in terms of which is "worse" because I think they are just different and have different challenges. But a long death did give us a chance to talk about all kinds of things, to feel really right with each other before he died. When it is sudden, I can see that there may be loose ends, things not resolved. But I can tell you this: you loved your husband despite his mistakes, his quirks, the things that annoyed you. In fact, if you had been able to make him "perfect," you probably would not have done that because it is the total package that you loved. Don't you think it would have been the same with your husband? He knew all your imperfections, your fears, your faults, and yet he loved you. Would he have wanted a "perfect" you? I doubt it. So forgive yourself for all those things. We are human.

I would like to recommend a small book to you. It is called Why, by Adam Hamilton. He is a Methodist pastor, and it is religious, so I don't know if you would be OK with that. But is insightful and realistic, and it will not tell you "because it was God's will" or a lot of other rote and often painful things people say. It was so very helpful to me, I think I read it 4 times both before and after my husband's death.
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Old 07-04-2016, 01:00 PM
 
5,895 posts, read 2,031,694 times
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Thinking about you MLC and JonTwin today. I know this holiday has been more than hard. Wishing you moments of peace. *Hugs*
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Old 07-04-2016, 08:39 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,397 times
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This day has been agony. I went to my in-laws for a bbq but left a little early because my daughter was being difficult and it was just hard being there.

Apparently we were all supposed to pretend that my husband didn't just die and that everything was perfectly normal. Not one person mentioned his name or even asked me how I was doing. I just needed someone to say something about him, someone to acknowledge that he even existed. Am I the only one suffering? I feel like my entire world was destroyed and everyone else is doing just fine.

Anyway, I wish everyday that I could go with my husband but I know that have to be here to raise our daughter. If I didn't have her I don't think I would be here right now.

I also feel like there are a thousand things that I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of the day he died. In a way it is my fault. Everything he did was for me and our daughter. If he never met me he would be alive today.
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Old 07-04-2016, 10:22 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,666 times
Reputation: 111
<<hugs>>

I'm sorry it was such a hard day for you. Each person's grief process is unique, and then it's really complicated when you consider the grief response in the context of family. My family did not grieve like me at all, including my husband's father who just kept telling everyone to be strong, be a rock. It was difficult not to be offended, but he is devastated and at a loss. He's also of a different generation, one that doesn't talk about their feelings as much as my generation, which is more inclined to wallow in emotions. The point is, they weren't there for you and your daughter and that just adds to your pain. I'm sorry for that. Is there anyone else you can open up to? I have found that most people in my daily life have no clue what my family is going through. They don't have to. It's lonely for us.

My husband sacrificed a lot to keep our family going. He was an artist doing what he loved, and he gave up opportunities that would have required us to move to cities with little support for children with disabilities. One day, not too long before he died, I thanked him for his commitment to us, through thick and thin. I told him I felt bad that he had sacrificed so much. He gave me a look, and then he told me that he *chose* to be right where he was with us. He said he would do it all over again. He had his own business at that point -- if he had followed those opportunities, maybe he would be working for a company instead of himself. I had never thought of it that way -- he made the choices that were important to him. He chose us.

I bet your husband made his choices just as willingly, not withstanding the sheer exhaustion of all young families pulled in many different directions. Sure, if he didn't meet you, certain events might have transpired differently. But -- and this is a big BUT -- he wouldn't have had the love of you and your daughter. It's not a small thing. Many people live a lot longer than he did and they never find the love that it sounds like you two had. Just hang on. This wretched weekend is finished.
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Old 07-04-2016, 10:38 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,666 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I can't tell you how many times I wished I could go with my husband. Now I only think that once in a while. But when I do, I always tell myself that I am here for now, and I am going to just try my best here. One day I will be "there," but that is not under my control. I know everyone has different beliefs and faiths, but in my heart I know that he is somewhere peaceful and that one day I will be with him. He has "returned" to me several times. The last time was in a dream with no plot where he just looked into my eyes and said "I love you. I'm with you."

As for dwelling on the "why" and thinking you could have done something differently, I understand to urge to think this way, but it ultimately will not help. You and I are very different in one way: my husband and I had lots of warning that he was going to die. I try very hard not to compare a sudden vs. a drawn out death in terms of which is "worse" because I think they are just different and have different challenges. But a long death did give us a chance to talk about all kinds of things, to feel really right with each other before he died. When it is sudden, I can see that there may be loose ends, things not resolved. But I can tell you this: you loved your husband despite his mistakes, his quirks, the things that annoyed you. In fact, if you had been able to make him "perfect," you probably would not have done that because it is the total package that you loved. Don't you think it would have been the same with your husband? He knew all your imperfections, your fears, your faults, and yet he loved you. Would he have wanted a "perfect" you? I doubt it. So forgive yourself for all those things. We are human.

I would like to recommend a small book to you. It is called Why, by Adam Hamilton. He is a Methodist pastor, and it is religious, so I don't know if you would be OK with that. But is insightful and realistic, and it will not tell you "because it was God's will" or a lot of other rote and often painful things people say. It was so very helpful to me, I think I read it 4 times both before and after my husband's death.
Thank you -- I have read through your post three times today, drawing understanding and comfort from it. My husband and I spent almost all of our time together, peacefully working at home. Now that you've said it, my husband and I were very aware of each other's strengths, quirks, and failings. Of course we were. But his love for me never waivered nor did mine for him. I'm just so devastated that he's gone. I'm not okay, I will never be okay again. I will go on -- I have to. But that terrible dread in my stomach is always with me. That feeling was only with me when he was out of town, which only happened once or twice a year. It was as though I held my breath for his safe return (I had some early losses in my life). Then he would be home and all was well. He died while out of town visiting family. I found his itinerary for returning home still on his laptop. He was coming home, I would breathe again. But not this time.

I will read Hamilton's Why. Thank you so much for listening and for sharing your experience.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:20 AM
 
5,895 posts, read 2,031,694 times
Reputation: 4177
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
This day has been agony. I went to my in-laws for a bbq but left a little early because my daughter was being difficult and it was just hard being there.

Apparently we were all supposed to pretend that my husband didn't just die and that everything was perfectly normal. Not one person mentioned his name or even asked me how I was doing. I just needed someone to say something about him, someone to acknowledge that he even existed. Am I the only one suffering? I feel like my entire world was destroyed and everyone else is doing just fine.

Anyway, I wish everyday that I could go with my husband but I know that have to be here to raise our daughter. If I didn't have her I don't think I would be here right now.

I also feel like there are a thousand things that I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of the day he died. In a way it is my fault. Everything he did was for me and our daughter. If he never met me he would be alive today.
Dearest MLC. I'm so sorry no one talked to you about your beloved husband. It's so weird how some people handle grief. It's like if they don't talk about it, it never happened. Those of us who have been through grief and have lost loved ones know better. I'm sure it would have given you comfort just to be able to talk about him.

Please do not beat yourself up over what happened to him. It was an accident. We never know what is going to happen in this life from one moment to the next. All we can do is live our lives the best way we know how. I know your husband would not want you to blame yourself.

I'm glad it is Tuesday morning. As hard as this weekend was, you made it. I hope that there will be moments of comfort and peace in this week for you. *Hugs*
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:25 AM
 
5,895 posts, read 2,031,694 times
Reputation: 4177
Quote:
Originally Posted by jontwin4 View Post
Thank you -- I have read through your post three times today, drawing understanding and comfort from it. My husband and I spent almost all of our time together, peacefully working at home. Now that you've said it, my husband and I were very aware of each other's strengths, quirks, and failings. Of course we were. But his love for me never waivered nor did mine for him. I'm just so devastated that he's gone. I'm not okay, I will never be okay again. I will go on -- I have to. But that terrible dread in my stomach is always with me. That feeling was only with me when he was out of town, which only happened once or twice a year. It was as though I held my breath for his safe return (I had some early losses in my life). Then he would be home and all was well. He died while out of town visiting family. I found his itinerary for returning home still on his laptop. He was coming home, I would breathe again. But not this time.

I will read Hamilton's Why. Thank you so much for listening and for sharing your experience.
Dear JonTwin. My husband and I are like you and your husband were as far as spending all our time peacefully together at home I cannot even imagine the void his passing has left in your life. Please know we here on C-D are thinking about you. We can't take away your pain, but we can be here in the midst of it with you. Many, many hugs.
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Old 07-05-2016, 12:26 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,397 times
Reputation: 1762
Jontwin- I have a few friends that I can talk to but I thought my husband's family would be suffering with me and I want to talk about him with them. I know that they are hurting but their response is to carry on as if everything is normal and it's so frustrating.

One of my husband's sisters even went to a theme park for the weekend just days after he died. I know that she loved her brother but I couldn't believe that she was out having a good old time while we hadn't even made funeral arrangements yet.

All of his siblings have been carrying on with their summer plans having a great time while I'm in so much pain and it bothers me. I don't know what I expect but if my sister died tomorrow my response wouldn't be to go on vacation. I would be there to help her husband and children.

Maybe I'm just being selfish and want everyone to feel my pain. I don't have much family myself and my mom has been helping more with my daughter but I can't really talk to her. I talked to my sister a lot the first few weeks but I think she's kind of over talking about it. I guess I'm depressing to talk to and people are running out of things to say to me.

I do have a few good friends that have been there for me and I am grateful for that. I am worried that eventually they're going to get tired of listening to me too and disappear. I try not to bother them too much but sometimes I just need to talk and they've helped me get through these last five weeks. Thanks again for letting me vent.
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,943 posts, read 51,634,588 times
Reputation: 27956
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Jontwin- I have a few friends that I can talk to but I thought my husband's family would be suffering with me and I want to talk about him with them. I know that they are hurting but their response is to carry on as if everything is normal and it's so frustrating.

One of my husband's sisters even went to a theme park for the weekend just days after he died. I know that she loved her brother but I couldn't believe that she was out having a good old time while we hadn't even made funeral arrangements yet.

All of his siblings have been carrying on with their summer plans having a great time while I'm in so much pain and it bothers me. I don't know what I expect but if my sister died tomorrow my response wouldn't be to go on vacation. I would be there to help her husband and children.

Maybe I'm just being selfish and want everyone to feel my pain. I don't have much family myself and my mom has been helping more with my daughter but I can't really talk to her. I talked to my sister a lot the first few weeks but I think she's kind of over talking about it. I guess I'm depressing to talk to and people are running out of things to say to me.

I do have a few good friends that have been there for me and I am grateful for that. I am worried that eventually they're going to get tired of listening to me too and disappear. I try not to bother them too much but sometimes I just need to talk and they've helped me get through these last five weeks. Thanks again for letting me vent.
I've been checking to see if you were getting support here to help you through. I'm so proud of the stand-up people here who are helping. My view of humanity in general can get jaded, and it is helpful to me (and I suspect all of us) to see the good.

Judging others for their reactions can be a natural response, because you are looking for affirmations of your own response and hurt and work to get through this. I would like to suggest that you don't need to compare yourself with others, that your feelings are yours no matter who the people around you are, or how they react. Also, if you are evaluating and judging, do so with gentleness. You can judge from the point of "Hmmph! I am better than them because I..." or you can respond with "They are doing all that they know how to do. I wish the actions were different, and I would hope that they can become more aware, but that is their task in life and not mine." Let your love of them overcome what flaws they might have.

I don't think you are being selfish. I would rephrase "want everyone to feel my pain" into "want to have my pain acknowledged in a way that makes me feel supported and loved." I doubt you want to give pain to others, but you do have a real need to have yours understood by others.

"I guess I'm depressing to talk to and people are running out of things to say to me." In conversation with others, you might add in a few little things that are of a positive note, such as something cute your daughter did, something that might be of interest to them, even a comment or two on a tv show, so that the communication has more breadth and isn't single subject. People very well may run out of things to say. That simply means they have run out of things to say. It does not mean that they have any less compassion or that they understand of your grief any less. If you recognize that, you can be more comfortable in just having the contact with them.

Some people may fade out of your life because the issues you have may be unresolved in themselves. Some may simply want to avoid dealing with pain. Some may have other areas of their own lives that are more immediate to them. Try not to be overly concerned, and if you need to, reach out again to support groups, here, or wherever you can get what you need.

Please keep posting.

Last edited by harry chickpea; 07-05-2016 at 02:39 PM..
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