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Old 07-05-2016, 04:19 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
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I think Harry is right. I think many people have no idea how to handle someone else's grief. I was always grateful for the person in the crowd who sought me out to say "I'm sorry" and to express their support and concern. I want to add something. Years before I lost my husband, I had (still have) two good friends whose husbands died, both in their 50s. I tried to be a good friend to both of them, to be understanding and to listen and help where I could. When my own husband died, I suddenly realized that I had no earthly idea of the pain they had gone through. I had had losses in my life, my dad, my grandparents, a friend, and a miscarriage. I guess I thought I had experience with loss. But I had NO IDEA how much more devastating this would be. When I came back to visit those friends months after my husband's death, I told both of them that I was sorry that I didn't get it when their husband's died. They responded that there is no way I could have. My point is that you may have family members who do care and who are suffering loss, but they have no way of understanding the depth and unrelenting character of your grief. You need to cut them some slack because they never will completely understand - not until it happens to them. My two sisters have been a great help to me, but I realize they don't completely get it, and I don't expect it of them. THIS is why it is important to make contact with other women who have had a similar loss. When I went to the spousal loss group, it was the first time I really heard the pain of others and realized that I was not alone and that what I was feeling was normal and I needed to work through it. Listening to the horrible things they went through also helped me to realize the times when my husband and I had been so blessed. It only lasted for 8 sessions, but it was such a great help. I'm not going to say it made the pain go away. It didn't. But it helped me to have the strength to keep going.
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Old 07-05-2016, 04:47 PM
 
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Those are wise words, Grasshopper. No one knows what the pain truly is unless they have gone through that experience themselves.
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Old 07-05-2016, 05:58 PM
 
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Harry chickpea- I was probably being a tad dramatic because in the last few weeks I know I've managed to talk about other things besides death and despair. One of my friends that has been truly wonderful to me has been struggling with one of her children and I have been listening to her problems as well as venting my own emotions. As much as I'm hurting I realize that I'm not the only one facing issues even if they're not quite as bad as mine. I do want to be a good friend and not monopolize every conversation.

Maybe I am being too hard on my in-laws, I know they're hurting but I can't force them to talk about their feelings if they don't want to. I never thought I was a chatter box before this but I need to let things out and some people just aren't like me and that's ok.

Thanks everyone for helping me see things from another perspective.

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-05-2016 at 06:51 PM..
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Old 07-05-2016, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,675,442 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Harry chickpea- I was probably being a tad dramatic because in the last few weeks I know I've managed to talk about other things besides death and despair. One of my friends that has been truly wonderful to me has been struggling with one of her children and I have been listening to her problems as well as venting my own emotions. As much as I'm hurting I realize that I'm not the only one facing issues even if they're not quite as bad as mine. I do want to be a good friend and not monopolize every conversation.

Maybe I am being too hard on my in-laws, I know they're hurting but I can't force them to talk about their feelings if they don't want to. I never thought I was a chatter box before this but I need to let things out and some people just aren't like me and that's ok.

Thanks everyone for helping me see things from another perspective.
Totally understandable. Just trying to give feedback that can help you.
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:48 PM
 
5,930 posts, read 2,042,226 times
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I just thought about something, MLC. Maybe his mom and dad talk and cry at night when they're alone. It could be that they don't want to burden you with their emotions. And they're thinking if they can talk about other things when you are around, it can help ease your sense of loss and maybe distract you for a bit. It's just a thought though. *Hugs*
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Old 07-05-2016, 10:32 PM
 
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I agree -- wise words, Grasshopper. I don't think anyone knows what this is like until it happens to them. How could anyone else really get it? It's sad, but now I know what will happen to my neighbors down the street, the ones my husband and I said we would be like in another 20 years. Now I understand why my great-aunt says she is only passing the time until she can join her husband, who died three years ago. I thought it was sad ... and why wasn't she afraid to die? Now I understand just a little about what she's going through. But while she will wait only a few years, I could be waiting for 30+ years. How can I bear it? How can I still be walking around when I am so broken? But I must. ��
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Old 07-05-2016, 10:32 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
I just thought about something, MLC. Maybe his mom and dad talk and cry at night when they're alone. It could be that they don't want to burden you with their emotions. And they're thinking if they can talk about other things when you are around, it can help ease your sense of loss and maybe distract you for a bit. It's just a thought though. *Hugs*
Your probably right. So many people tell me how strong I am and I well they think I'm doing but they don't see me every minute of the day. They don't see me in the morning when I have my first cry of the day or when I break down in the afternoon during the baby's nap time or at night when I sob uncontrollably. I feel like I'm a mess, I don't feel strong at all.

Anyway, I feel very conflicted, I know I should focus on myself and my girls and getting to a better place physically and emotionally but I also want to be closer to my husband's family for the sake of my daughter but also as a way to stay connected to him.

Maybe in time I'll need to step back from them but right now I'm longing for that closeness. Some days they seem to accept me as one of their own but other days I feel like a total outsider. It's a very confusing dynamic.
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Old 07-06-2016, 02:23 AM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
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Originally Posted by jontwin4 View Post
I agree -- wise words, Grasshopper. I don't think anyone knows what this is like until it happens to them. How could anyone else really get it? It's sad, but now I know what will happen to my neighbors down the street, the ones my husband and I said we would be like in another 20 years. Now I understand why my great-aunt says she is only passing the time until she can join her husband, who died three years ago. I thought it was sad ... and why wasn't she afraid to die? Now I understand just a little about what she's going through. But while she will wait only a few years, I could be waiting for 30+ years. How can I bear it? How can I still be walking around when I am so broken? But I must. ��
I understand how your great aunt feels. My experiences with my husband have made me completely unafraid of death, and sometimes I feel that I would prefer to be older so that I didn't have so long to wait. I can let myself feel that, but now I catch myself and remind myself that there is more out there for me, if I can just find it. It is now 18 months since my beloved died, and I am just now starting to feel that I can actually make a life for myself in the time I have remaining (I am 64.) When he and I talked about how he wanted me to enjoy life again, neither of us had a notion of how difficult this would be. But I am holding onto the belief that life can be good again. I think we have to rediscover who we are. I'm not sure how to do it, but I am working on it. But that can't be done when one is in the depth of grief. The work of grieving must be done, and one has to feel ready to come back to the world of the living. Out of brokenness will come blessing. Be patient, have faith.
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Old 07-06-2016, 05:09 AM
 
Location: R.I.
896 posts, read 534,837 times
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Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I've been a regular member here for some time. I used to come here to talk about trivial stuff like television shows and fashion and never expected to post here on Grief and Mourning but here I am.

My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.

I don't have a specific question and I don't know what I'm looking for, I guess maybe just someone who knows what I'm feeling. My friends have lost a parent or maybe a sibling but no one has lost a spouse.

Today I don't feel like this pain will ever go away. I just miss him so much. I don't want to move past the pain but I have a small child and I can't cry all day. I have to get up and hold it together for her but the nights are bad. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread and sobbed because my heart hurts so much and that's when I decided to come here and write this. Thanks for reading this.
So very sorry for your loss. It will be 15 years this coming November when I was age 44 I lost my beloved 49 year old husband to a sudden heart attack. You are correct that you are in shock, and all those painful emotions and body sensations you are experiencing are a manifestation of that shock. Do take comfort in knowing that the intensity of what you are feeling right now will gradually lessen.

After the death of my husband I had many people who wanted to help and provide me comfort which was most appreciated, but the person who had the biggest impact on my healing process was my own dear late mother who herself had been a young widow. When my mother was 7 months pregnant at age 21 with my older sister her husband was killed accidently. The intensity of her grief threw her into early labor and she nearly lost her life as well as the life of my sister. When my sister was age two my mother met my father who was a friend of a friend, and as my father would tell the story he fell in love with my sister before he fell in love with my mother They married a year later and my father raised my sister as his own, and she was just as much his daughter as I was who came 7 year later. I often think that my sister's biological father would have been grateful that such an honorable man as my father provided the love and care for my sister when he could not.

I share this story with you not to prompt you to think about a future husband, but as an example that life going forward after loss as hard as it is to imagine right now can bring the most unexpected future blessings in your life that you would not think possible.

My role model mother was right in telling me that the sun would come out in my life once again. Not that I was looking or even interested, I too met a wonderful man a little over a year after my husband's death. A year after meeting this new man I was diagnosed with cancer and he stood by my side and provided me the most tender loving care that I am not sure I would have done so well without it. I also think my late husband would have been grateful that this honorable man was there to care for me during my cancer experience when he could not. Additionally, having never been able to have children, my new man brought into my life two great adult children, and 4 grand children who think this "Nonni" is just the best and I could not love them more even if they were my own. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my late husband, but there is no longer sadness attached that that missing but a feeling of being grateful that I had that wonderful man in my life for 15 years. I know one day when my time comes to leave this world we will meet again in the next.
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Old 07-07-2016, 08:31 AM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightengale212 View Post
So very sorry for your loss. It will be 15 years this coming November when I was age 44 I lost my beloved 49 year old husband to a sudden heart attack. You are correct that you are in shock, and all those painful emotions and body sensations you are experiencing are a manifestation of that shock. Do take comfort in knowing that the intensity of what you are feeling right now will gradually lessen.

After the death of my husband I had many people who wanted to help and provide me comfort which was most appreciated, but the person who had the biggest impact on my healing process was my own dear late mother who herself had been a young widow. When my mother was 7 months pregnant at age 21 with my older sister her husband was killed accidently. The intensity of her grief threw her into early labor and she nearly lost her life as well as the life of my sister. When my sister was age two my mother met my father who was a friend of a friend, and as my father would tell the story he fell in love with my sister before he fell in love with my mother They married a year later and my father raised my sister as his own, and she was just as much his daughter as I was who came 7 year later. I often think that my sister's biological father would have been grateful that such an honorable man as my father provided the love and care for my sister when he could not.

I share this story with you not to prompt you to think about a future husband, but as an example that life going forward after loss as hard as it is to imagine right now can bring the most unexpected future blessings in your life that you would not think possible.

My role model mother was right in telling me that the sun would come out in my life once again. Not that I was looking or even interested, I too met a wonderful man a little over a year after my husband's death. A year after meeting this new man I was diagnosed with cancer and he stood by my side and provided me the most tender loving care that I am not sure I would have done so well without it. I also think my late husband would have been grateful that this honorable man was there to care for me during my cancer experience when he could not. Additionally, having never been able to have children, my new man brought into my life two great adult children, and 4 grand children who think this "Nonni" is just the best and I could not love them more even if they were my own. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my late husband, but there is no longer sadness attached that that missing but a feeling of being grateful that I had that wonderful man in my life for 15 years. I know one day when my time comes to leave this world we will meet again in the next.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I woke up today with that horrible since of dread again so I decided to re-read your post and a gave me the tiniest bit of hope that maybe someday things will get better.

Last night was rough. I went into hysterics. Nothing in particular caused it. The house was just so quiet and I started to miss him terribly. Normally when I start to get that upset I call a friend and they calm me down but I didn't want to calm down, I needed to feel the pain. I've been talking to him more lately. Maybe that's not healthy. I don't know.
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