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Old 07-07-2016, 09:42 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,880 posts, read 4,415,742 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
I just thought about something, MLC. Maybe his mom and dad talk and cry at night when they're alone. It could be that they don't want to burden you with their emotions. And they're thinking if they can talk about other things when you are around, it can help ease your sense of loss and maybe distract you for a bit. It's just a thought though. *Hugs*
My husband died quite suddenly when he was 45. He was my MIL's only child, and I honestly don't know how the shock and sadness surrounding his death didn't kill her. It's VERY hard to lose a spouse, but as time has gone on, I think it's worse to lose a child...no matter their age.
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Old 07-07-2016, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,947 posts, read 51,654,400 times
Reputation: 27966
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I woke up today with that horrible since of dread again so I decided to re-read your post and a gave me the tiniest bit of hope that maybe someday things will get better.

Last night was rough. I went into hysterics. Nothing in particular caused it. The house was just so quiet and I started to miss him terribly. Normally when I start to get that upset I call a friend and they calm me down but I didn't want to calm down, I needed to feel the pain. I've been talking to him more lately. Maybe that's not healthy. I don't know.
It is a way of working through it. On needing to feel the pain - a small amount of it can be helpful as long as it doesn't turn into an ongoing desire, in which case it would be more like scourging, cutting, and self-mutilation, which are NOT helpful and can slow or stop other healing as well as becoming an addiction.

Keep communication with friends and support groups open. Talking with him is fine. Sometimes you may do it out loud, sometimes internally, sometimes in writing. As you integrate him into you, you may need to do it less, but if you still do that is fine too.
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Old 07-07-2016, 12:50 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,674 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
It is a way of working through it. On needing to feel the pain - a small amount of it can be helpful as long as it doesn't turn into an ongoing desire, in which case it would be more like scourging, cutting, and self-mutilation, which are NOT helpful and can slow or stop other healing as well as becoming an addiction.

Keep communication with friends and support groups open. Talking with him is fine. Sometimes you may do it out loud, sometimes internally, sometimes in writing. As you integrate him into you, you may need to do it less, but if you still do that is fine too.
I definitely don't feel the need to cause myself physical pain so maybe I'm not doing that bad. I cry on and off all day but usually I can control myself and not get too out of hand. I don't want my daughter to see me upset so I have to keep my emotions in check around her.

It's so hard having to keep everything bottled in until she's sleeping though. I can't even talk about him when she's awake because that would be too confusing to her. Right now I don't even say the word "daddy" around her because I don't want her to go looking for him like she used to do. The other night the fireworks scared her and she stared crying and screaming for her Dada, it broke my heart.

Taking care of my daughter through this has been the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so grateful that I have her. I look at her little face and I see a piece of my husband and it gives me a reason to go on. She has his big smile and she makes the same facial expressions as him and when she looks at me I see him. I have to have hope for her. She deserves a happy life.
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Old 07-07-2016, 01:10 PM
 
5,904 posts, read 2,037,152 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I woke up today with that horrible since of dread again so I decided to re-read your post and a gave me the tiniest bit of hope that maybe someday things will get better.

Last night was rough. I went into hysterics. Nothing in particular caused it. The house was just so quiet and I started to miss him terribly. Normally when I start to get that upset I call a friend and they calm me down but I didn't want to calm down, I needed to feel the pain. I've been talking to him more lately. Maybe that's not healthy. I don't know.
Dear MLC. I think feeling the pain is sometimes the only way through the grief. It's so hard to do that though because it feels like it's going to take you to a point of no return. But then you find out that you lived through it. It's amazing how resilient you can be. As far as talking to him, by all means, yes. Do that. I still talk to my precious mama and she's been gone for 22 years. I think it's a good way to connect with them. I won't get into anything religious here, because I'm not religious myself, but personally I believe even though we can't see them anymore, that we are always connected to our loved ones in some cosmic way. That's what I believe anyway, and it gives me comfort. Hugs to you today.
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Old 07-07-2016, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,947 posts, read 51,654,400 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I definitely don't feel the need to cause myself physical pain so maybe I'm not doing that bad. I cry on and off all day but usually I can control myself and not get too out of hand. I don't want my daughter to see me upset so I have to keep my emotions in check around her.

It's so hard having to keep everything bottled in until she's sleeping though. I can't even talk about him when she's awake because that would be too confusing to her. Right now I don't even say the word "daddy" around her because I don't want her to go looking for him like she used to do. The other night the fireworks scared her and she stared crying and screaming for her Dada, it broke my heart.

Taking care of my daughter through this has been the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so grateful that I have her. I look at her little face and I see a piece of my husband and it gives me a reason to go on. She has his big smile and she makes the same facial expressions as him and when she looks at me I see him. I have to have hope for her. She deserves a happy life.
The balance you have of feeling your emotions and caring for your daughter and feeling for her emotions as well is really caring to both of your needs and putting it all in perspective. You are showing up as a loving mom.
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Old 07-07-2016, 10:10 PM
 
81 posts, read 63,691 times
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I am drained by grief and can't write more on this thread.

But thank you, Grasshopper. I needed to hear these words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I understand how your great aunt feels. My experiences with my husband have made me completely unafraid of death, and sometimes I feel that I would prefer to be older so that I didn't have so long to wait. I can let myself feel that, but now I catch myself and remind myself that there is more out there for me, if I can just find it. It is now 18 months since my beloved died, and I am just now starting to feel that I can actually make a life for myself in the time I have remaining (I am 64.) When he and I talked about how he wanted me to enjoy life again, neither of us had a notion of how difficult this would be. But I am holding onto the belief that life can be good again. I think we have to rediscover who we are. I'm not sure how to do it, but I am working on it. But that can't be done when one is in the depth of grief. The work of grieving must be done, and one has to feel ready to come back to the world of the living. Out of brokenness will come blessing. Be patient, have faith.
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Old 07-08-2016, 09:21 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,674 times
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So I went and saw a counselor today and I don't think I'll be going back. The counselor seemed like a nice person but I don't think he can do anything to make my life any better. He really didn't say much and I guess expected something different. Maybe that's what a grief counselor is supposed to do, I don't really know. $50 an hour seems like a lot of money to spend just to have someone sit silently across from me while I ramble on about my depressing life and cry.

Anyway, this place I went to also has group sessions so I might try a meeting next week and see how that goes.
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Old 07-08-2016, 11:04 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,284,224 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
So I went and saw a counselor today and I don't think I'll be going back. The counselor seemed like a nice person but I don't think he can do anything to make my life any better. He really didn't say much and I guess expected something different. Maybe that's what a grief counselor is supposed to do, I don't really know. $50 an hour seems like a lot of money to spend just to have someone sit silently across from me while I ramble on about my depressing life and cry.

Anyway, this place I went to also has group sessions so I might try a meeting next week and see how that goes.
Counselors are different, and everyone's experience is different. I had an individual counselor and she did help me, but she also knew my husband, and this made it so much easier for her to relate to what I was talking about, what I was missing, etc. But you have to remember that counselors, no matter how well trained, have not experienced this. People in a support group have. When I went to hospice for my spousal support group, everyone in the room, including the leader and her assistant and all the participants, had lost their spouse. There is so much commonality, even though the situations were all different. So I hope you do try the group session, I hope the group is all spousal loss, and I hope that it is helpful. (I cried through a lot of the first meeting of the support group, but everyone else cried a lot, too. There were tissue boxes everywhere.)
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Old 07-09-2016, 11:20 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,947 posts, read 51,654,400 times
Reputation: 27966
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
So I went and saw a counselor today and I don't think I'll be going back. The counselor seemed like a nice person but I don't think he can do anything to make my life any better. He really didn't say much and I guess expected something different. Maybe that's what a grief counselor is supposed to do, I don't really know. $50 an hour seems like a lot of money to spend just to have someone sit silently across from me while I ramble on about my depressing life and cry.

Anyway, this place I went to also has group sessions so I might try a meeting next week and see how that goes.
My wife had her PhD and private practices as a psychologist and counselor, although her focus was more in personal growth and helping kids overcome childhood abuse. Counselors use different modalities. One thing that people often do not understand is that it is rare to have a counselor or psychologist say "do this" or "you can do..." especially in an early session - if at all. A counselor is not like a teacher in a one-on-one tutoring session.

A counselor will listen, find patterns or ways that a person can be stuck, and then guide or even simply repeat back or paraphrase critical statement the client has made for further reflection. Ultimately, all healing has to come from within. Imposing a surface layer of "solution" is like putting wax on a car. It might protect short term, but it will wear off.

A first session is simply an introduction to see if a rapport will establish. The third session is often the point where people decide whether the counselor is the "right" one or the sessions worth continuing.

I could say a lot more but it might overwhelm and I'm not sure how helpful it would be. I do know that with some of the techniques my wife used, her clients climbed out of deep places amazingly quickly when they trusted the process.
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Old 07-09-2016, 04:48 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,674 times
Reputation: 1762
harry chickpea- I wasn't expecting advice exactly. I don't know, that's the best I can come up with right now. Maybe the counselor just wasn't the right fit for me. Maybe I'll give it another chance.

I just want my husband back. No amount of talking can fix what's wrong. I want him home. I want my life back. I want my daughter to have a father. I want my partner. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to feel his hand in mine. I want to see him walk through the door and for my baby's face to light up. I want to lay my head on his chest and to listen to his heart beat. I want to argue with him. I want him to leave his dirty clothes on the floor and to annoy me with his loud snoring. I want all of it! I want my little family back. I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just sleep. I want to feel better.
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