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Old 07-09-2016, 06:59 PM
 
5,904 posts, read 2,035,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
harry chickpea- I wasn't expecting advice exactly. I don't know, that's the best I can come up with right now. Maybe the counselor just wasn't the right fit for me. Maybe I'll give it another chance.

I just want my husband back. No amount of talking can fix what's wrong. I want him home. I want my life back. I want my daughter to have a father. I want my partner. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to feel his hand in mine. I want to see him walk through the door and for my baby's face to light up. I want to lay my head on his chest and to listen to his heart beat. I want to argue with him. I want him to leave his dirty clothes on the floor and to annoy me with his loud snoring. I want all of it! I want my little family back. I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just sleep. I want to feel better.
Of course you want your life back the way it was. It sounds like a wonderful life that you had with him. I don't have any words except I wish I could make the pain go away for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you will try the group counseling. I know it will help to be able to share your pain with others who have experienced it. No one experiences loss in the same way, but it does help to know we are not alone in our loss. Hugs to you, dear one.
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Old 07-11-2016, 07:51 PM
 
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It's been almost seven weeks since my husband died and I feel lonelier than ever. I didn't have tons of support in the first few weeks but I had some and now it seems like nearly everyone has disappeared.

My mom has been coming by about once a week but I haven't heard from the rest of my family, friends or in-laws much. I know this is normal as everyone returns to their regular lives but my regular life was destroyed and I feel a little forgotten.

I haven't been calling people as much either because I get the feeling that that people are ready to move on. I was feeling down today and called my mother-in-law and she actually told me that she didn't want to talk about the past anymore. She said that she was ready to move forward and I should do the same. I'm sorry but it's been less than two months and I'm not ready to put the past behind me. I don't know why I even called her. I know she's sad and this is just her way of dealing with things but she comes across as so cold and uncaring sometimes.

Anyway, I decided to go to the group grief meeting this week. I need someplace where I can talk about my husband and my grief and not feel like I'm being a burden to anyone. I need to let my feelings out somewhere. If you're still with me, thanks for listening.
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Old 07-11-2016, 09:09 PM
 
2,039 posts, read 1,525,101 times
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Wow, the insensitivity of your MIL makes my head want to pop off.
Right, so she has somehow found the secret recipe for dealing with the loss of her son.
Well, now you know what her response is going to be like. Steer clear of her.

Continue to go to your support group. Go to individual therapy if you can afford it. Speak to clergy. Don't ever let anyone tell you what the timeline should be for dealing with grief.
In the same breath, don't be upset at other friends and family. Reach out to them.
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Old 07-11-2016, 10:18 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhureeKeeper View Post
Wow, the insensitivity of your MIL makes my head want to pop off.
Right, so she has somehow found the secret recipe for dealing with the loss of her son.
Well, now you know what her response is going to be like. Steer clear of her.

Continue to go to your support group. Go to individual therapy if you can afford it. Speak to clergy. Don't ever let anyone tell you what the timeline should be for dealing with grief.
In the same breath, don't be upset at other friends and family. Reach out to them.
My MIL has been hot and cold with me since my husband died. I never know what to expect when I talk to her. Some days she treats me like family and the other days she acts like I'm a total stranger intruding on her life.

I called to ask if she would like to watch my wedding videos with me. I'm currently in the process of getting them converted from VHS to DVD format and I haven't seen the videos myself in at least eight years and I don't think she's ever seen the videos. I thought it could be something nice we could do together but that's when she said she didn't want to watch them because she didn't want to live in the past. I understand if it were just too painful for her to watch them right now but the way she said it was just so cold.

I feel like I'm bothering her by calling so I've decided to back off for awhile. If she wants to see her granddaughter she can call me and I'll bring her over. I want my daughter to have a close relationship with her father's family and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that but his family is making it very difficult.
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Old 07-12-2016, 01:36 PM
 
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Everyone grieves in their own way. Personally, "living in the past" by looking at a lot of pictures and videos was necessary and I was driven to do it. This abates as we integrate the loss, as we come to accept it and as we realize that we won't forget - that the one we loved will always be with us. I agree that if someone gets stuck with the constant review of the past - for years - then it is unhealthy. But it is a normal part of grieving to me. Personally, I was so immersed in grief, I avoided things that would get in the way of that intense review of the past. But sometimes people feel they have to hold off the pain for their own survival. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't really analyze that. But it just seems to me that the grieving must be done at some point. Right now, when your MIL is trying to hold the pain at arm's length and you are engulfed in it, you are at different places. Her "coldness" may be her way of shutting down the pain (I have talked to a few people who feel that if they do express their grief, the "flood gates" will open and they will lose control, and that scares them.) I think you are right to give her space. She should know that you are there for her if she does want to express her grief, but I don't think it will work to push it. There are grief support groups for those who have lost adult children, too. Now may not be the time to suggest it, but maybe at some point this might be helpful to your MIL. I have not lost an adult child, but I imagine that talking to others who have may have the same effect as a widow sharing with other widows, and could be helpful. For the time being, don't let her feelings make you feel yours are inappropriate. They aren't. Take care of yourself, grieve as you feel you must, and just leave the door open for her.
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Old 07-12-2016, 05:04 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
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Strangely enough after that rather uncomfortable conversation yesterday my MIL called me today and invited me over for dinner this week. We talked for a bit about regular everyday stuff and I accepted her invitation.

I try to remember that she lost her son and she's obviously in incredible pain even if she's trying to put on a brave front. I want her to open up to me and talk about how she's feeling but maybe she's just not comfortable talking about her feelings in general or maybe she's just not comfortable talking about them with me. Either way it's her right to grieve how she wants to.

I don't know, maybe I'm talking about him too much. Maybe I'm writing about him too much and thinking about him too much. I wish I could get him off of my mind for just five minutes. I try to distract myself with a tv show or a book but nothing works. Everything I do reminds me of him.

I think about him when I'm brushing my teeth, pushing my baby on her swing, folding the laundry, opening the mail, petting the cat, picking a piece of lint off my shirt, when I'm doing EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING!

It's only been seven weeks but when does that stop? Does it ever? I know there's no timetable for grief but I want to feel like a normal person again. I miss him and I'm never going to forget him but thinking about him is consuming my every waking thought and I feel like it's making me crazy. Do you just realize one evening that an entire day or even 1 hour or just 10 minutes have passed and you haven't thought about your deceased spouse?

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-12-2016 at 06:10 PM..
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Old 07-12-2016, 05:31 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,283,366 times
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I did exactly the same thing. Like you, I couldn't read, couldn't think about anything but my husband. I went to church, but couldn't listened to anything. It was just as you say. And I wondered sometimes if I was losing my mind. But it does change. For me, it was around 3-4 months that I realized I was thinking about something else. And those times of thinking of something else will gradually increase in number and length. You will eventually be able to function more normally, but you will always have thoughts about him. I am now 19 months after my loss, and I able to concentrate on other things, to accomplish things, and I can laugh when I am with friends, and have normal conversations with people. I can sleep well. I am just starting to enjoy things. But I still think of him many times during the day, and I still miss him and grieve for him and the future I thought we had. As I recover, I do not think of myself as returning to "normal," however. I think this experience forever changes us, and I think it doesn't have to be for the worse. We understand more fully the pain of others, we can be more compassionate, we can more willingly reach out to others. And at some point, we will start to form a life on a new basis. I'm not there yet, but I am working on it. At 7 weeks, I doubt that you are ready for that, but it may be helpful for you to know that you WILL get there.
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Old 07-12-2016, 06:45 PM
 
Location: California
29,661 posts, read 32,113,147 times
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I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about this. Losing your spouse is never an easy thing to bounce back from, especially when you are so young and it's unexpected. I don't have a formula to deal with that type of grief, I don't think there is one unfortunately. It sounds like you have a handle on the business side of things but the deeper pain is just going to take time. It must feel maddening right now. I didn't read the entire thread but I'm sure grief counseling was suggested. It's something I did, for different reasons, after resisting it for awhile and it really helped. Best of luck going forward.
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Old 07-12-2016, 10:02 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
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Grasshopper- Thanks, for responding. It helps to know that the way I'm feeling is normal and that someday I won't think about my husband every second of the day. I don't expect that day to be any time soon and I know that I'll never be the old me again but I just need to know that someday things will get better.

At this point I'm able to carry on conversations about other things but while the other person is talking I have a hard time really focusing on what they're saying because I'm always thinking about my husband.

Earlier today my friend was telling me about a date she went on over the weekend and while she was describing the guy she went out with and what restaurant they went to I remembered going to that restaurant with my husband and I thought about all the amazing dates we had and my mind just started drifting.

Writing this now makes me so sad to realize that we'll never have another date night. We'll never have another anything. He really loved me. I never thought anyone would ever love me like that. I didn't think love like that even existed. He loved all of me. No one will ever love me like that again. I will never love anyone like that again.

Sometimes I wish I never would have met him. I wish I would have just married some “guy". Just some regular guy that would be nice to me and would be good company but my world wouldn't crumble if he disappeared. I could be content right now and my husband would be alive if he never met me. Maybe he'd meet some "nice enough" woman to marry and he'd be content also but most importantly he would be alive. Sorry if I went way off track.

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-12-2016 at 10:11 PM..
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Old 07-12-2016, 11:45 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,283,366 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
. Sorry if I went way off track.
Its OK. I struggle with this myself: I lost the one who loved me completely, just as I am. And the one I loved in the same way. I honestly have no idea whether I will love again. I can tell you that you have a much better chance of meeting a new love than me because you are younger (I am 64.) But I also know that this is unimaginable right now. In my mind I know that my husband can't be replaced, so it would have to be a relationship that was completely different, and I can't really imagine something completely different. I know that right now, the pain is so intense for you that it seems that it would be better not to have met him. But that will change. You will one day be grateful for your great love and for the daughter that came from it, even though you will always regret his loss. I had people tell me how lucky I was to have spent so much of my life in such a loving marriage, but my counselor told me that this is really a double edged sword, because a love that sweet is even more painful to lose than those in "nice enough" marriages. So if your life and his had taken different routes, do you think you would have been immune from tragedies in those alternate lives? How do you know that you husband would have been alive if you hadn't met him? Perhaps he would have died at an even earlier age. Taking on unearned guilt will not help you. When those thoughts creep in, I would just release them. Remind yourself that these are made up scenarios, that are not helpful or even realistic. Remember that you gave him a great love - you enriched his life beyond measure.
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