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Old 07-13-2016, 11:49 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762

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I know in some ways that I'm very lucky to have had such an amazing man in my life for 13 years but it seems so unfair that he was taken away from me so soon. I'm jealous of those here that had their spouses for 30, 40 or even 50 years and that had a chance to say goodbye.

I wish we had more time. I wish we could have raised our daughter together and watched her grow up. He never even made it to her second birthday. We never made it to our tenth wedding anniversary. We had so many plans and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.

Anyway, I know that feeling guilty isn't going to bring him back or make anything better but I can't help feeling like it's partially my fault that he died. He died while working at a job he hated but he went every day and worked his butt off for me and our daughter.

Maybe it was fate and he would have died no matter what the circumstances were on that particular day, of course there's no way to know. I know he loved me and wouldn't want me to blame myself and would want me to heal so I have to let this guilt go. Somedays I can, while other days I beat myself up.

It breaks my heart that he died alone on the side of the road. He was thinking about me and our baby. I know that he was. I should have been with him. He was alone and scared and I let him down. I should have been holding his hand, telling him “I love you". Instead I was at home watching tv, I had no idea. My love, my partner, my best friend, my soul mate, my world was gone and I had no idea. How did I not know? Again, if you're still listening to the rantings of a crazy woman, thank you.

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-13-2016 at 12:17 PM..
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Old 07-14-2016, 01:12 AM
 
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I really wish that I were with you now to sit with you, to hear your story. There is no way this whole thing seems fair of justified. I don't know why these things happen, but they do. And you are right that it seems so wrong for your husband to miss his daughter growing up and that you will not be able to grow old together. I know that you don't feel lucky, despite those 13 years of joy. I get that, and I don't blame you for feeling that way.

I am so sorry about the way he died. The shock has been blinding, I know. But do you think you should have known that it was happening? I was asleep when my husband died - and just in the next room. Of course, it was a completely different situation, but it was a hard thing for me to get by that I was not with him, holding his hand and telling him I loved him as he died. If our loved ones are to die, we would all want to be with them, but few of us get that.

I know there is nothing I or anyone else can say to make the pain go away for you. But for most people, expressing the feelings and experiences does help. So please continue to talk to us and to go to a support group and your counselor, if you continue with him. PM any of us, if that feels better to you. Journal you feelings, if that seems to help. I don't know if faith is comfortable to you, but I will pray for comfort, support, guidance and healing for you.
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Old 07-15-2016, 01:11 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
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Thank you Grasshopper for sticking around for 16 pages of my pity party. I've been so wrapped up in my own grief that I haven't taken the time to acknowledge the pain that others here have been going through. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

I guess I always thought I would have some kind of a feeling of sense that something was wrong with my husband if he died or was hurt and it really bothers me that I felt nothing. He was dead almost six hours before I was notified and the whole time I just thought he was too busy working to call me. I was starting to get a little worried after I didn't hear from him after I sent him a couple of texts but I wasn't frantic. I really thought maybe his phone died or there was some other logical explanation as to why he wasn't calling me back. My love was dead for hours and I was making spaghetti for dinner. When I heard the knock on my door I knew. It still doesn't feel real.

I just keep replaying that day over and over again in my head thinking I could have done something different to change the outcome. I know none of this is helpful to my healing but my head is a mess. I feel like I'm living in some parallel universe and my real happy life is happening right now and I got stuck in this nightmare by accident.

Anyway, I wanted to go to the group grief session this week but I can't find a babysitter. Unfortunately the group sessions are on Friday nights and everyone has plans. My mom would normally do it but she can't this week. Strangely enough I was looking forward to going so I'm a little disappointed.
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Old 07-16-2016, 11:56 AM
 
5,901 posts, read 2,035,087 times
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Dear MLC. I think about you so often. I saw your words to Grasshopper about your having a pity party. This is not a pity party, my dear. Not at all. Your world has been turned completely upside down and inside out. As I've said before, I cannot imagine what you have been through and are going through with the loss of your soul mate. Please know there was nothing you could have done to make this outcome different. It was an accident, but I know you blame yourself somehow. Please be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry there was no one available to babysit for you last night.

You are in out hearts here on CD. I wish we could take your pain away, sweetie. I hope that you will be able to go to the next grief support meeting. *Hugs*
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Old 07-16-2016, 01:28 PM
 
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I agree that grief is not a pity party. It isn't made up - its real. You are feeling true, deep grief, and that is not weakness on your part. Grief is the other side of experiencing love. Guilt is not. Guilt is very common among those who grieve, but it is seldom based in real wrong doing. You are not responsible for the accident, and you could not have known. We are not all-seeing beings. If we could anticipate tragedy, what a different world it would be - but its not.

I do hope you can find a babysitter so that you can go to the support group. Keep trying. It will be worth it.

Hugs
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Old 07-16-2016, 08:43 PM
 
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Thank you trobesmom and grasshopper for your kind words and support. Even though it's only been seven weeks I feel like some of my friends and family are expecting me to be getting better already. People keep telling me that I would feel better if I would get out more or I need to meet new people.

Just today my MIL suggested that I join some type of mommy and me group. She thinks it would be good for me to socialize with other moms with toddlers. Under normal circumstances meeting others mom's would be a good thing but I'm not normal right now and I can't imagine sitting around with a bunch of happy moms talking about potty training and regular everyday things while it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I just don't think anyone in my life truly understands how bad I'm hurting and that this isn't something I'm going to get over anytime soon. I know people mean well but I need time to grieve and I'm not ready to be a social butterfly at this moment.

Anyway, I'm working on the guilt. I know my husband wouldn't want me to blame myself and I know in my heart that I had no way of knowing what was going to happen that day. He was my world, I would have done anything in my power to save him or to prevent the accident if I could have. I would give my life for his if I could. I wish he were here with our baby instead of me. I would hate for him to feel this pain though.

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-16-2016 at 08:55 PM..
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Old 07-17-2016, 12:21 AM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,859 posts, read 2,443,751 times
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I have nothing new to add, but I'm awake late at night and it feels like the whole rest of the world is asleep. Anyway, I was thinking about you melovescookies, so I just wanted to let you know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had something - anything - to say that would really help you, but I don't. All I can do is to let you know that I am thinking about you. Maybe you'll wake up and see this tonight and it will help to know that people care about you. I hope you don't see this until morning and that you are sleeping and getting what must be some well deserved rest.

I just did a google search of sayings and wisdom about death and love, but found nothing that I thought appropriate to share with you, so I'm sharing just that I am thinking about you.
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Old 07-17-2016, 01:46 AM
 
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It sounds like your friends and family have no idea how a loss like this changes everything. I think any kind of encouragement to end you grief and get on with life should be ignored at this point, because 7 weeks is a very short time, and they do not understand what is involved. Fellow widows will understand. There are lots of books out there that reflect, to a greater or lesser degree, what a widow goes through. I have read A LOT of books about loss and widowhood, trying to find my way. Some are OK, some are terrible, and some have been very helpful and good. I know everyone is different, and perhaps this is not something that you would like, but I think you might get some reinforcement for grieving YOUR WAY. I was just looking on Amazon at books for young widows. (A lot of books reflect the experiences of older widows. There are some commonalities, but I think one that takes into consideration your stage of life would be more helpful.) There is one called I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal. I have not read it, so I don't know if it is good, but it gets good reviews. Just a thought.

I hope you have a good night.
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Old 07-17-2016, 09:33 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762
Thanks vrexy, I keep coming back here because it does help to know that other people care and to hear words of encouragement.

Grasshopper- Funny you mentioned that particular book because I actually did order it off of Amazon a long with a few other books on grieving and they should be delivered tomorrow.
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Old 07-17-2016, 04:18 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,283,366 times
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Good! I'm glad you are going to do a little reading. Keep in mind that no book will be 100% applicable to your situation. Even so, often there are tidbits that offer insight and comfort. Just skip over anything that feels wrong to you. I think it is helpful to read of someone else's experience that is just like yours. It validates our feelings. I often was amazed that someone else felt just like me. It doesn't make the pain go away, but somehow it makes you feel that you are not the only one who has suffered such pain, that others have made it through, and perhaps you will, too. I know I frequently thought about the fact that there were a lot of older widows in my church who seemed to be leading really great lives. At some point they had lost their husbands, but here they are, making positive contributions and enjoying life. I am still hanging onto that thought. I haven't gotten to the point where I have a great life - still trying to figure how to enjoy life without my husband. But I am hopeful that I am making slow progress. I know that it is agonizingly slow, but life will get better.
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