U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 07-19-2016, 11:58 AM
 
636 posts, read 400,610 times
Reputation: 1762

Advertisements

So I finished that book and another book I bought, Confessions of Mediocre Widow and I'm surprised that I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can gets such good reviews because I thought it was kind of a let down. Some of the advice was just silly and most of the stories seemed completely fake and inauthentic.

The other book was pretty good though. I couldn't really relate to the author but her story was interesting. This widow has three kids under six and all the free babysitting she can dream of. Seriously, a daycare center offers her free daycare for all three of her kids! I just want two nights a month to go to group therapy (maybe a few afternoons here and there for my own sanity too.)

I'm starting to realize that nothing is going to make me feel better and I'm going to have to just learn to live with this pain. I'm doing better than I was on day one and as the weeks turn into months the pain does dull a bit. Sometimes it hits me hard out of nowhere but I'm getting up each day and doing my best and that's got to court for something.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-19-2016, 02:12 PM
 
3,992 posts, read 5,289,955 times
Reputation: 4592
Yes, there are some duds out there, as far as books go. And sometimes the books just don't apply to one's situation, so even if they are OK, they still aren't useful. Sorry about Grieving as Fast As I can. A friend gave me a little book called Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. It is a format that is daily, starting with January 1, but this doesn't matter at all. I would frequently read 3 or 4 days, the next evening, read back over some and add a few, etc. I found it to be thought provoking, helpful, and sensitive. If the writing for one day was less than helpful, I just went on to the next one. I have since given it to a few others who have had losses. It took me over a year to finish it, because I wanted to think about many of the entries. I still keep it beside my bed, and read a random entry now and then.

You are right that nothing can take away the pain. You do, as you say, learn to live with it. And it does moderate. I remember noting the first time that I could recount a story about my husband without crying, but actually smiling. It felt like a small milestone to me that I could remember him with wistful pleasure. I don't hold back on that with my family and friends. We smile together about things he would say, adventures, all kinds of memories. That is not to say that I don't sometimes have tears. I do, but mostly when I am by myself now. It will get that way for you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 11:16 AM
 
636 posts, read 400,610 times
Reputation: 1762
It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was doing a little better but now I feel miserable again. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I just don't have it in me to celebrate it. It's too depressing to think about having a party without my husband. I'm so mad, her daddy should be here watching her turn two. We should be shopping for presents and picking out a cake together.

I don't know how I'm going to raise her alone. I feel so bad for my baby. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this torture, he didn't deserve to die.

I feel so stuck right now like I'm in some horrible limbo land. I still feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare and none of this is real. I'm not really living, I'm just waiting for him to come home and for my normal life to resume.

Maybe I'm slipping back into denial in order to cope. I don't want to think about a future alone. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I wish I were old so at least the end were closer. I can't bear to think of living a long life without him. In some ways I'm ready to go but in other ways I don't want to leave my little girl an orphan. She needs me so I have no choice but to live this way until she's at least through high school which is a long time from now. I just want him back. I hate this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,859 posts, read 2,448,699 times
Reputation: 3229
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was doing a little better but now I feel miserable again. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I just don't have it in me to celebrate it. It's too depressing to think about having a party without my husband. I'm so mad, her daddy should be here watching her turn two. We should be shopping for presents and picking out a cake together.

I don't know how I'm going to raise her alone. I feel so bad for my baby. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this torture, he didn't deserve to die.

I feel so stuck right now like I'm in some horrible limbo land. I still feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare and none of this is real. I'm not really living, I'm just waiting for him to come home and for my normal life to resume.

Maybe I'm slipping back into denial in order to cope. I don't want to think about a future alone. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I wish I were old so at least the end were closer. I can't bear to think of living a long life without him. In some ways I'm ready to go but in other ways I don't want to leave my little girl an orphan. She needs me so I have no choice but to live this way until she's at least through high school which is a long time from now. I just want him back. I hate this.
Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry. I wish there was something I could do that would help you. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 01:33 PM
 
Location: PA
619 posts, read 334,163 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I've been a regular member here for some time. I used to come here to talk about trivial stuff like television shows and fashion and never expected to post here on Grief and Mourning but here I am.

My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.

I don't have a specific question and I don't know what I'm looking for, I guess maybe just someone who knows what I'm feeling. My friends have lost a parent or maybe a sibling but no one has lost a spouse.

Today I don't feel like this pain will ever go away. I just miss him so much. I don't want to move past the pain but I have a small child and I can't cry all day. I have to get up and hold it together for her but the nights are bad. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread and sobbed because my heart hurts so much and that's when I decided to come here and write this. Thanks for reading this.
I read thru your thread and it reminds me of me when my wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore and disappeared with her new man and the kids. Different situation, same grief. Nobody understood how i felt and got tired seeing/hearing how sad i was. Like you, i had no appetite and lost nearly 50lbs in no time. I forced myself to drink that ensure stuff old people drink just to stay alive. It was horrible. I could sit for hours and just stare at the wall and remember how life used to be.

Everyone says they understand your loss, but they really don't. The nights i slept were rare and waking up in a puddle of sweat missing my family was no fun. Therapists did nothing for me and only when i was at wits end and went to the doctor, did antidepressants help me. It takes time. I got so sick of hearing how it will be allright with time. But they were right about that, it will be better in time, you just need to make it through until it starts hurting less.

I lived in a new house with all my belongings in boxes and nothing unpacked for six months. I slowly began to live again and unpacked my stuff a little every day. Eventually i was " existing" again. It took me a year until i considered myself "living" again. It was the worst time of my life and i wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

My only suggestion would be get or make a girlfriend to hang out with and do things with. A friend greatly helps as sitting alone is miserable. Also, go to the doctor and get some antidepressants. They take 3 weeks to start working but really help. It's no shame to be on antidepressants tobget through this. People take pills for a lot less than what you are going thru.

One thing you have going for you and it may not seem like it, is you have great memories of love and a good life with your man. Hang in there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 03:36 PM
 
636 posts, read 400,610 times
Reputation: 1762
Thanks for taking the time to respond Bearsdad, I went through a bout of depression in my twenties and took antidepressants and I never really found anything that worked for me. Some were better than others but I found that the side effects weren't worth the benefits. I honestly just don't want to go that route yet.

I know this might sound strange to some people but I feel like the pain is something that I have to experience and there really is no way around it. I don't know if that even makes sense but the love I feel for my husband is so strong that I need to grieve his loss properly. I know for my daughter's sake I can't wallow in my grief forever but I'm not ready to move forward yet.

Thank you again for responding. Take care.

Last edited by melovescookies; 07-21-2016 at 05:00 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 06:30 PM
 
5,953 posts, read 2,050,601 times
Reputation: 4208
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was doing a little better but now I feel miserable again. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I just don't have it in me to celebrate it. It's too depressing to think about having a party without my husband. I'm so mad, her daddy should be here watching her turn two. We should be shopping for presents and picking out a cake together.

I don't know how I'm going to raise her alone. I feel so bad for my baby. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this torture, he didn't deserve to die.

I feel so stuck right now like I'm in some horrible limbo land. I still feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare and none of this is real. I'm not really living, I'm just waiting for him to come home and for my normal life to resume.

Maybe I'm slipping back into denial in order to cope. I don't want to think about a future alone. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I wish I were old so at least the end were closer. I can't bear to think of living a long life without him. In some ways I'm ready to go but in other ways I don't want to leave my little girl an orphan. She needs me so I have no choice but to live this way until she's at least through high school which is a long time from now. I just want him back. I hate this.

Hey sweetie. I've been thinking about you. I'm not a psychologist, but I can't help but wonder if some of these special occasions and/or holidays are adding to the grief you are feeling? For sure, grief is excruciating by itself. But when you add the anticipation these special times (and "firsts"), I think it can exacerbate our feelings of loss.

From reading all your posts, I think you are doing remarkably well, even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. I think you are dealing with your grief in a very healthy way by facing it and not escaping or running away. You are much stronger than you think you are. I would hope if this situation happened to me that I could be half as strong as you are and deal with it like you are doing.

I can't imagine anything more painful that what you have been through these past few months. My thoughts are with you and your baby girl, and I am sitting here rooting for you every single day! *Hugs*
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 09:01 PM
 
3,992 posts, read 5,289,955 times
Reputation: 4592
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
It's been a rough couple of days. I thought I was doing a little better but now I feel miserable again. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I just don't have it in me to celebrate it. It's too depressing to think about having a party without my husband. I'm so mad, her daddy should be here watching her turn two. We should be shopping for presents and picking out a cake together.

I don't know how I'm going to raise her alone. I feel so bad for my baby. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this torture, he didn't deserve to die.

I feel so stuck right now like I'm in some horrible limbo land. I still feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a terrible nightmare and none of this is real. I'm not really living, I'm just waiting for him to come home and for my normal life to resume.

Maybe I'm slipping back into denial in order to cope. I don't want to think about a future alone. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again. I wish I were old so at least the end were closer. I can't bear to think of living a long life without him. In some ways I'm ready to go but in other ways I don't want to leave my little girl an orphan. She needs me so I have no choice but to live this way until she's at least through high school which is a long time from now. I just want him back. I hate this.
These types of events are really cruel reminders of what we have lost. My suggestion is to go ahead with the birthday party, but have a friend or family member there at all times who can take over for you if you feel too overwhelmed. Have that person be the hostess, take the pictures and supply the cheerfulness. I'm not saying that you can't also enjoy the party if you feel like it, but you need to be able to exit to the bedroom to have a few private moments to "talk" to your husband, if that is what you need.

As concerns anti-depressants, what you are experiencing probably is not depression, but pure grief. I have known people who did use anti-depressants to help them make it through. There is no shame in it, but it is not required, and you should do what you feel is right in this regard. I do recommend a medical visit to make sure you are not depressed, to help with sleep, if that is a problem, to recommend other services that may help, and to make sure that your own health is not slipping away, as can sometimes happen. You need to take care of yourself. I know it doesn't feel like something you want to do, but, depending on your physician, it may be helpful.

No one involved "deserved" this. Please try not to think of this as punishment for some kind of guilt. I know in my heart that this is not why these things happen. They just happen. And no, you did not anticipate raising your daughter on your own, nor did you think you would be alone. Your feeling of wanting to be done with life are so understandable, but you need to hang on through this time, for your daughter as well as yourself. There will be a day when you realize that your strength is much more than you had thought. Try, when you can, to find something of beauty to concentrate on, just for a few minutes each day. Pause at look at the sunset, a flower, clouds, birds. The thing is that beauty is still there for you. I try to get out in the morning, just for a few minutes, to breath the morning air when it is cool and fresh, to see the sun start to brighten the day. I started doing that back in the dark days after my husband died, and I still do it. It reminds something in my heart that the world in all its beauty is still here, and I am a part of it. And one day, I will be able to experience it more fully. It also gives me hope that, as beautiful as the beginning of the day is, my darling is experiencing much more beauty. I try to enjoy it with him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,970 posts, read 51,718,994 times
Reputation: 28024
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thanks for taking the time to respond Bearsdad, I went through a bout of depression in my twenties and took antidepressants and I never really found anything that worked for me. Some were better than others but I found that the side effects weren't worth the benefits. I honestly just don't want to go that route yet.

I know this might sound strange to some people but I feel like the pain is something that I have to experience and there really is no way around it. I don't know if that even makes sense but the love I feel for my husband is so strong that I need to grieve his loss properly. I know for my daughter's sake I can't wallow in my grief forever but I'm not ready to move forward yet.

Thank you again for responding. Take care.
I agree with you on the antidepressants, and actually, I agree in principle with your second paragraph as well. The pain is something that some of us have to fully experience to be able to get beyond it. (I'm still here checking on you, just having some ISP issues and not online as much right now.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-22-2016, 01:38 AM
 
3,992 posts, read 5,289,955 times
Reputation: 4592
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I know this might sound strange to some people but I feel like the pain is something that I have to experience and there really is no way around it. I don't know if that even makes sense but the love I feel for my husband is so strong that I need to grieve his loss properly. I know for my daughter's sake I can't wallow in my grief forever but I'm not ready to move forward yet.
This has been my attitude as well. I acknowledge that some people do slip into depression. But too often, I think people equate grief with depression. Grief, to me, is something we must go through in order to survive as whole people. Yes, it is possible to wallow, but at 2 months, I don't think that is something you are doing. Take the time you need to grieve.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top