U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 07-24-2016, 10:54 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762

Advertisements

I'm so sorry for your loss Alfwithpain. You're right, nothing makes sense and the pain is nearly indescribable. Coming here and writing down my thoughts and getting support from other CD members does help a little bit though.

Sometimes I get scared or lonely and I just need to know that I'm not alone. It's so hard but I can't give up because I have a little girl depending on me and I want to make my husband proud by giving her a good life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-25-2016, 01:28 AM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
I think your solution for the birthday party is very good. Remember that, while you are beginning to make something new for you and your daughter, you are not really leaving your husband and the wonderful life you had behind. They are the foundation on which you are starting to build something for yourself. You will always have those precious memories, and the two of you will draw strength from the love that still surrounds you. Yes, it sounds like moving would be constructive, and I hope that something turns up for you. In the mean time, think about whether there are any small changes that you could make to your house that would make you more comfortable. I know you wouldn't want to do anything big, but even moving furniture around may make it look a little different. Just a thought.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-25-2016, 01:58 AM
 
1 posts, read 364 times
Reputation: 10
i know everything is hard for your now, but eveything will be fine
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-25-2016, 07:07 AM
 
5,936 posts, read 2,042,226 times
Reputation: 4191
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfwithpain View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss,I know exactly what are you going through, I lost my wife of 25 years just 5 ms ago,some days are ok,but others are so brutal, painful and nothing makes sense. Stay strong for your kid, don't give up. My heart is with you.God bless you.
I'm so very sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine something so painful. I wish you strength and peace, my friend.

MLC, I'm glad you don't have to worry about a special party just for your little girl. I think the combination party is a great idea. I understand about wanting to leave your home and move someplace else. I've always thought that if something happened to my husband, I would definitely leave and find another place that would be my own. I couldn't stand to be in the place we shared with all the memories. I hope you find something suitable soon. *Hugs*
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2016, 11:10 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762
It's been another difficult week. My daughter's birthday looming has been making me incredibly depressed. Her party isn't for another two weeks but her actual birthday is this weekend. At first I thought I should just ignore the day but then I thought that would make things worse.

Luckily I have an amazing friend (my husband's best friend) that decided he wanted to take us out for a fun day and is planning something small with just a few people. My daughter deserves a day of fun on her birthday. Her dad would want that. It's not the same without him here though.

I just miss him so much. It feels like he's been gone for years but it's only been nine weeks. I've never felt so alone in my life. I guess I've never really been alone. It's scary and I'm exhausted but I have to do this. People keep telling me I'm strong, I don't know what they see. I feel defeated and broken. Sometimes I wish I could surrender.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-29-2016, 12:40 AM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
People always told me I was so strong, too. For quite a while I, like you, thought they didn't know what they were talking about because I felt anything but strong. But as time went by, I started looking at what I had been through, and realized that, even if they didn't completely understand, and even if I felt lost in a sea of grief, it was true that I really was a strong person. I started believing that at some point, I would feel whole again. I'm betting that will happen with you, too.

It is great that your husband's friend wants to help you get through your daughter's birthday and wants it to be happy for her. Of course, it will not be the same without your husband. But nothing ever will be. You are in a new chapter of your life now. Its not one you wanted, of course, but it is here anyway. I hope you will be able to enjoy the birthday celebration as it is, and not as you wish it were.

Yes, these weeks have felt very long to you, I'm sure. And especially if you have never lived by yourself, it is scary. But remember the thing about being strong? Having the courage to push on is part of that. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is persisting even when you are afraid.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-29-2016, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,675,442 times
Reputation: 27971
"I just miss him so much. It feels like he's been gone for years but it's only been nine weeks. I've never felt so alone in my life. I guess I've never really been alone. It's scary and I'm exhausted but I have to do this. People keep telling me I'm strong, I don't know what they see. I feel defeated and broken. Sometimes I wish I could surrender."

I see signs in this paragraph that you are beginning to heal a little. Instead of being in shock and grouping all the pain into one undifferentiated mass, you are beginning to be able to break it out into the components - loneliness, feeling scared, exhaustion, defeat. Your being able to do so means that at some level you are recognizing that your feelings are completely within you, are your property, and that your feelings and experiences are not and were not "owned" by your husband. The difference is subtle, and you might not yet recognize the importance.

The first way that this change is important is that you can now work on ONE of those feelings at a time and make a little progress towards putting it in place, while fully recognizing that it only helps a small part of the pain. Loneliness can be helped (note that I did not say "cured") by pushing to get more contact with other people. Feeling scared can be helped by building your support structures. Exhaustion can be helped by taking breaks where you allow yourself to feel some pleasure and rest from carrying the burden - if only for a few moments at a time. Defeat can be helped by action. Many wars have had battles where the winner had defeats, many people have only come into their own after suffering defeat in some way.

The second way the change is important is in maturation. The loss of a loved one, whether through death or simply a breakup of the relationship, forces us to evaluate who we are and to recognize that we exist as individuals. As the pain of the loss ceases to overwhelm, we clarify our own goals and our own needs, without the influence of the goals and needs of that loved one. It might be as simple as "I know he liked this program on TV but it holds no value to me and the plot is stupid." It might be something like "I know he eventually wanted to live in Alaska, but that is not where I want to be." Each little recognition is a recognition of you, a recognition of your own valuable self that has been suppressed by you and by the needs of the relationship.

Yes, you have had a loss - a terrible loss. Words don't describe the depth of such a loss. The personal nature of it means that it can't be fully shared even if you spent a lifetime trying. It is an experience that will be with you always. You have joined a club that nobody wants to join. You have gone through the horrible initiation rite. Now, like all of us, you are starting to pick up pieces, starting to understand the crush of the pain is built from separate feelings, starting to work on who you are now as an individual, knowing that your husband will always be a loving part of you.

When your daughter's birthday comes - empathize with HER. Try to get into her mind and feel the feelings SHE feels as she is celebrated. The day is hers, she is alive and with you. Hold her close and feel joy in that, and show that to her even if in some moments you have to fake it. You will get through that day.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-29-2016, 01:35 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762
harry, I know what you mean about thinking of my wants separate from my husband's. A few weeks ago I went to order a pizza and I'm so used to ordering pizza with all the meat toppings because that's what my husband liked. I've always preferred just plain cheese pizza but it's not a big deal to me so for all these years I've ate pizza the way he liked. When I was placing my order I automatically ordered a meat pizza and then I thought “why am I ordering this" and changed my order to just cheese.

I know pizza is a little thing but it got me thinking about who I am independent of my husband. I would gladly eat meat pizza for the rest of my life to have him back but since that's not an option I'm going to do things my way from now on.

It's funny because later on that day my mom came over and complained because there wasn't any pepperoni on the pizza. She said something like "you can't have pizza without pepperoni on it." I just laughed and told her “in my house you can."

Anyway, I'm going to my first grief group meeting tonight and I hope I meet some people I connect with. I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to expect but I still want to go. I need to be around people that understand what I'm going through.

I've always like that quote about courage Grasshopper. Maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-29-2016, 06:37 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
I hope the grief group goes well tonight, and that, whatever you get out of it, you end up being glad you went.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-29-2016, 09:45 PM
 
5,936 posts, read 2,042,226 times
Reputation: 4191
Dear MLC, I hope your group went well tonight. I loved the part of your post where you laughed and told your mother that you can eat pizza without pepperoni in your house. I think it's lovely that your husband's best friend is doing this special birthday for you and your daughter. I hope you are able to enjoy the day with her and find joy in her joy. Many hugs to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top