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Old 06-16-2016, 02:38 PM
Location: home state of Myrtle Beach!
6,238 posts, read 18,235,532 times
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I am sorry for your sudden loss. I lost my husband last July to cancer just 20 days after he was diagnosed. You sound pretty normal to me. The pain of losing your spouse will never go away, but you will learn over time how to live without him. Some days will be easier than others! Don't be too hard on yourself. If you are on Facebook there are many groups there for widows and widowers.
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Old 06-16-2016, 03:07 PM
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is so devastating to lose a spouse so young. I was 40 and had just started nursing school. Thankfully my three children were school age so I could continue. There were many times that I wished that I had been the one to go but I knew I had to keep going for my children. My goal was to get them all graduated and on their own path. Unfortunately I suppressed the grief and boy when it hit it hit very hard. So do take the time to mourn but one thing that may help is to take double pleasure from the little things. I would always think "I'm enjoying this for me and also for my DH". I have so many wonderful memories and he was truly a wonderful husband and father. I still miss him 22 years later but I was so blessed to have him for our time together.

Make sure that you apply for social security benefits. I hesitated to do that but my DM convinced me that it was a benefit that my husband had earned and paid for. The SS and his life insurance ensured that we would have a good future and the fact that I was going to nursing school gave me a goal and was another economic safety net.

Grief groups are often not great for a young widow. I went once and couldn't help feeling that at least the other people had long lives with their spouses. If you do look to join a group I would look for an age appropriate group as a young widow faces a whole different set of hurtles.

Please feel free to PM me if you ever just need someone to vent to. My prayers for you and your family.
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Old 06-16-2016, 03:09 PM
Location: Location: Location
6,251 posts, read 7,460,047 times
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Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
So sorry for your loss. Knowing that someone will soon pass is bad enough, a sudden loss can be gut wrenching.

Write him letters or keep a journal. Putting your thoughts in writing - not on a computer, but longhand - does wonders for integrating what you feel, what has happened, and what you want to do. It is similar to him being at a distance and your writing out letters to him. There is something that goes on in brain function when you write that is different than ruminating or talking with someone else, and it can be very healing. Let the grief process take as long as it needs.

This is very good advice. Twice in my life I had some serious upheaval and I bought a plain old notebook and started writing. It's amazing that in the act of putting your thoughts on paper, you suddenly get some insight into what your next move should be!

I suggest you give yourself 15/30 minutes to do this exercise every day. Make that your "let it all out" time. Cry if you want. Get angry. Write it all out. But when it's done, it's done for today. Put on your Mommy hat and take the baby to the park or go shopping for dinner or finish the laundry. Whatever the next thing is, do it. It may take a while but eventually, you'll find your writing is becoming clearer and the next steps are easier to follow. I know it worked for me. As tired as it may sound, it takes time.

Gradually, grief passes into that fund of calm, endurable sorrow that all must bear. Until then, try to be a good actress so that your little girl will see that Mommy's still here and feel safe.

Sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2016, 03:34 PM
Location: South Carolina
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Another thing regarding a grief group or counselor make sure they have gone through the loss of a spouse at a young age . I could not find one who had been with their spouse less than 20 yrs when they lost them . So grief groups or counselors are not great for someone so young indeed as another poster mentioned . Find an age appropriate one if you decide you want to go that route . Good luck and God bless you .
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Old 06-16-2016, 03:54 PM
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
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I am another person who cannot help from experience of my own. My sister eloped at 17 and her husband died of leukemia when she was 21. My dad had promised her husband he would make sure she and her three year old daughter were taken care of. She moved from and sold her home too. Too many ghosts there I guess.

I hope this won't cause you more pain but reading through here I am wondering if that two year old may be your salvation. Think of her as you and your husbands love living on. It is very important what happens to her for at least the next two years. In trying to make her life as normal as you can, you will also continue to put one foot in front of the other. That will be good. It is good you are crying also. That will help to get some of the grief out of your system. Notice I said "some."

My sister's doctor told her to pamper herself. You need to love yourself as well as your child. Try to do something that comforts you every day because you will be giving a lot to the child and you need to be restored. God bless and keep you.
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Old 06-16-2016, 04:27 PM
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Thanks again to everyone who has responded. I actually started writing in a journal about five days ago. I wanted to write down every detail of our last days together before too much time had passed and I started to forget the little things. I've also just been writing down all of my random thoughts and feelings to him and about my life in general. It's helpful in some ways but also emotionally draining especially retracing our last conversations and moments together.

Anyway, I have to get out of my house for many reasons so on top of everything else I'm packing and sorting through boxes and boxes of stuff. I'm not getting rid of anything of my husband's but I still have tons of my things that need to get rid of before I move.

Everything is just very overwhelming right now. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'd like to get a counselor but I don't have the time or a babysitter right now. Once I'm settled in a new place I definitely need to find some type of child care so that I can get some help for myself.
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Old 06-16-2016, 04:35 PM
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Hi OP.. I'm another person who cannot speak from my own experience losing a spouse. I cant begin to know what you are going through. I just want to say so sorry for your loss and sending lots of hugs. I do however know that caring for your child(ren) often times forces one to go on. I recently suffered a still birth and was and (somewhat still) devastated but knowing that I had little ones at home who i have to go on for helped a ton. Your baby girl is there. Give her lots of sweet hugs and kisses and you will be amazed the power of the love of children.
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Old 06-16-2016, 05:30 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. You truly have to move at this point? I moved, but it was a year after my husband's death, and that was terribly hard. So this just must be horrible. But I think you are right that if you have to do this, take all your husband's things with you. Go through them later, when the time is right. (It may be months or years.) I hope you are getting some help with the tasks of moving. That is super stressful even for families with no other issues or losses. I think it is very positive that you are writing. I was also concerned that I would forget things. I think we forget less than we fear we will, but I think it is very helpful to write as much as you want. Yes, it is draining. But it helps you to make the journey.

Yes, I would go for counseling or a support group when you can. I did both. I went to a spousal loss support group at my local hospice, and they had two sections - over 50 and under 50. I think that this is very appropriate. We were already beyond raising children, and had had 43 years together. I'm not saying that made it easier, but just that the problems and feelings are different. In my situation, it was really helpful for me to hear the stories of others and to have people there who had had the same loss. (I also got more out of this than from the GriefShare class I went to, where all kinds of grief were represented.) I do also want to emphasize one thing - take purposeful care of yourself. Don't allow your lack of appetite to destroy your health. Do eat in a healthy way, because your can't do all you need to do and you can't heal when you are malnourished. I had my adult son there with me to keep me eating, and I am grateful for that. Also, try to sleep. I know it is really hard. Consider having your doctor prescribe something if you are very short on sleep. I know medications are not always positive, but seek out information about how to encourage your body to shut down and sleep. You need rest. You are going through something that has and will exhaust many. Try to exercise some. Just walking is good. Take tissues along. I had many tearful walks, but I know the movement helped. Walk with your kids, if that is appropriate. Be patient. It will take a long time, especially since you are going to be distracted from the work of grieving by taking care of your children. So be patient and loving to yourself as well as with your children.

Blessings. (I know there will be some, much as it seems they are a thing of the past.)
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Old 06-16-2016, 06:49 PM
Location: Lake Norman, NC
7,086 posts, read 10,879,761 times
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Hang in there, OP!

I haven't lost a spouse or child, but I did lose my last parent last weekend. The hurt will definitely be there for awhile. I also find myself asking if I did enough for this parent in their last years (as they lived 250+ miles from me).

Time will heal. Memories will assist in the process.

Be good to yourself!

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Old 06-16-2016, 07:32 PM
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I also am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what grief you feel. I also think you really would be in a better state of mind by speaking to a professional. This is not a self help situation.
You are experiencing many different feelings at the same time. Please do yourself a favor and speak to someone. You owe it to your children. Please!
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