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Old 07-30-2016, 11:00 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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I just wanted to let everyone know that the group meeting went well and I'm going to try to make it to the next meeting in two weeks (they only meet twice a month.) Everyone was very supportive and I felt comfortable talking and sharing my story.

My daughter's birthday also turned out to be a pretty good day. Of course I was sad and I missed my husband but my daughter had fun and my friends really went out of their way to make the day special for her. At first it was difficult putting on a happy face but it's hard not to smile seeing my little girl so happy.

When I got home and put her to bed I had a breakdown and sobbed for awhile but overall the day wasn't terrible. My heart is broken and that isn't going to change but my daughter deserves what all other kids get on their birthdays. She deserves to have fun, and to laugh, and play, and smile. I think I did well and I do have a few good friends in my life.

I still miss him so much though. Two years ago this amazing man stood at my side as we brought this new life into this world. The first time he held her he looked at me and said “isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen" and he continued to say that every single day of her life until he died. He would look at her in absolute amazement and utter those words to me “isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen" and he would thank me for creating her with him. That was the man I was married to. This is who I grieve for.
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Old 07-30-2016, 11:21 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
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That is so lovely. Your daughter will cherish that story one day. What a wonderful man. I am so glad the support group went well and that the birthday party went well. And you did all you needed to do, got through it, then let the grief wash over you. That is exactly what I would have imagined of a strong, loving person who has had a tremendous loss. That will continue to happen. At times it will just overwhelm you. But you will get through it, and a little at a time, you will find your life again. Hugs
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Old 07-31-2016, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,675,442 times
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Super news from you on all fronts. Well done. I applaud your focus on the present and the future, and your love for your daughter.
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Old 07-31-2016, 03:35 PM
 
5,930 posts, read 2,042,226 times
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Dear MLC, it sounds like you and your daughter had a lovely day. I'm so happy the group went well too. Your husband sounds like he was a wonderful person. I know you will have these times of grief, but I'm glad you were able to have times of joy this weekend as well. *Hugs*
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Old 08-02-2016, 12:06 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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I thought I was doing better, I had a few decent days but now I feel like I'm slipping back. My heart aches worse than ever and I keep replaying the accident in my mind.

At first I didn't want to know all of the details of the accident but now I want to know everything. I need to know every detail of the last minutes of his life. I read the accident report for the first time yesterday and I plan on going to the scene of the accident soon. I haven't done it yet because it's several hours away and I'm afraid to make the drive alone with the baby. Maybe this isn't healthy or maybe I need to do this for some kind of closure. I don't know.

I've been flooded with memories lately too. Little things, like jokes only we shared or the way he used to look at me in the morning, or the feel of his hands in my hair. It's absolute agony, I feel like I'm missing a part of my soul.

I need to get busy, I need to move, he's everywhere in this house yet he's nowhere.
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Old 08-02-2016, 02:50 PM
 
5,930 posts, read 2,042,226 times
Reputation: 4188
That is how grief is, dear one. We have those good days and bad days. Some days it seems like the loss just happened. On other days, we feel like we are making progress toward healing. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time these last few days. I don't know what to tell you as far as going to the scene of the accident. Perhaps someone here who has suffered a similar experience can give you better advice than I can. Are you still planning on moving soon?

I just want to give you a hug today and to let you know you and your baby girl are in my thoughts.
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Old 08-02-2016, 03:08 PM
 
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Im so sorry....... We are all here for you
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Old 08-02-2016, 04:06 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762
trobesmom- I plan on moving as soon as I can find a place to rent. I've been looking for almost two months but there aren't many available houses or apartments for rent in my area that I can afford and that are safe for a toddler. I started packing before I found a place because I never thought it would be this difficult and now I'm living out of boxes. I feel so stuck. I'm trapped in a house that's falling apart and I can't stand being here without my husband. I'm so uncomfortable in my own home, it's terrible.
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Old 08-02-2016, 08:16 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
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Cookies, have you talked to a rental agent? I know it is different in different parts of the country, but in some areas, you can't really find a rental without an agent. Usually they are paid by the landlords or the owners, rather than the renters. Since you are looking for something specific, it might be worth a try.
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Old 08-02-2016, 10:02 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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I tried one agency and it didn't work out. I've mostly been looking online and scheduling meetings through agencies to look at houses but either they cancel the meeting because the house is no longer available or I apply for the house but someone else gets it. It's very competitive where I'm at I'm learning. Maybe I'll try another agent.

I've also been driving around and going to apartment complexes that are in areas that I like and talking to the managers. Most of the time they don't have any available apartments or they're way out of my price range.

It's just so stressful. I'm so overwhelmed doing everything alone. Taking care of a toddler 24/7 by myself while my heart is in a million pieces is a lot to handle. I want my partner back.
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