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Old 08-07-2016, 08:31 AM
 
5,917 posts, read 2,039,431 times
Reputation: 4185

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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
We all are not "strangers" at this point. Online community IS community, and this one shares more than many. You are NOT writing "crazy stuff" - at least what I have seen here. Your remarks are truthful, your emotions palpable, and your poetry is not only cogent, but quite good. Your caring for your daughter is wonderful, and your reaching for help shows that you care about the two of you. Our being able to help you in some little way also helps us, so a thank-you back to you is appropriate.
Well said, harry chickpea. I couldn't have said it better.
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Old 08-07-2016, 08:36 AM
 
5,917 posts, read 2,039,431 times
Reputation: 4185
Hello dear MLC. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you this Sunday morning. I hope you were able to get some rest last night. I hope today finds you feeling a little better than yesterday. Know that there are so many of us here who are thinking about you today. *Hugs*
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Old 08-07-2016, 09:13 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
Reputation: 1762
Harry- I don't know how to highlight part of a post but I did mean to say that my daughter was working. My oldest daughter is 21 and works and lives on her own. I know it's unusual for someone to have a toddler and a grown child but my life is a little strange I guess. First child at 17 (did not marry child's father), married at 29, second child at 37 and widowed at 38 (I turned 39 just a few weeks after he died.)

Thanks for all your support. I know I can get a tad dramatic but sometimes it does feel like no one really cares. My main source of love and security is gone and it's lonely and scary. The nights are the worst.

I wanted to add that I haven't been watching tv much at all. I've tried because I'm desperate for a distraction but I just can't focus on anything. I feel so uncomfortable trying to sit still. I feel strange doing anything that my husband and I used to do together. I can barely stand sitting on my couch.

Last edited by melovescookies; 08-07-2016 at 09:29 AM..
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Old 08-07-2016, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Miami, FL
8,088 posts, read 7,377,498 times
Reputation: 6650
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I've been a regular member here for some time. I used to come here to talk about trivial stuff like television shows and fashion and never expected to post here on Grief and Mourning but here I am.

My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.

I don't have a specific question and I don't know what I'm looking for, I guess maybe just someone who knows what I'm feeling. My friends have lost a parent or maybe a sibling but no one has lost a spouse.

Today I don't feel like this pain will ever go away. I just miss him so much. I don't want to move past the pain but I have a small child and I can't cry all day. I have to get up and hold it together for her but the nights are bad. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread and sobbed because my heart hurts so much and that's when I decided to come here and write this. Thanks for reading this.
The pain is deep and will be so for a long time. There is no avoiding. Remember so long as you remember he is still here. Be strong for you child.

Many prayers your way to come back to a sense of normalcy.
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Old 08-07-2016, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,664,795 times
Reputation: 27966
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Harry- I don't know how to highlight part of a post but I did mean to say that my daughter was working. My oldest daughter is 21 and works and lives on her own. I know it's unusual for someone to have a toddler and a grown child but my life is a little strange I guess. First child at 17 (did not marry child's father), married at 29, second child at 37 and widowed at 38 (I turned 39 just a few weeks after he died.)

Thanks for all your support. I know I can get a tad dramatic but sometimes it does feel like no one really cares. My main source of love and security is gone and it's lonely and scary. The nights are the worst.

I wanted to add that I haven't been watching tv much at all. I've tried because I'm desperate for a distraction but I just can't focus on anything. I feel so uncomfortable trying to sit still. I feel strange doing anything that my husband and I used to do together. I can barely stand sitting on my couch.
I know that you have to express your pain and grief, but dramatizing it is about the WORST things you can do for yourself. I'll try to explain again in a different way. Only you can feel YOUR pain. We can empathize, we can relate, but you cannot place your pain into our minds. Dramatizing it is not needed for us to understand. We will not be more impressed by your pain and you if you dramatize it. We will not have more desire to offer support, and in fact might have less if it seems like you are "playing" the audience.

In each of us, our emotions are our guides and tools towards our living better lives. By dramatizing, you are misusing one of your tools and banging your own thumb with it, making it hurt even more. If you continue to bang your thumb, you can turn it into a bloody stump.

I do not ask you to minimize what you feel, I only ask that you be accurate reporting to us, but more importantly to yourself. Dramatizing can turn into a spiraling whirlpool and carry you somewhere far far worse than where you are. If I sense you going that route, it will be kinder for me and others to step away so that you more quickly seek professional help and even medication. Sometimes the best support can be removing crutches. - end of Dutch uncle talk.

With television, sometimes having it on in the background can drown out negative thoughts, especially if it is a talk show of some sort. I think I mentioned that there may also be podcasts or youtube videos as well. Consider some of the Marshall Rosenberg lectures on youtube as possibilities.
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Old 08-07-2016, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Midwest
3,825 posts, read 6,776,820 times
Reputation: 5962
I just saw this. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, cookies.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Many of us have been through various hells. And we come out the other side. Eventually. God bless.
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Old 08-10-2016, 01:01 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
Reputation: 1762
After a particularly rough weekend I've been doing a little bit better these last few days. I finally found a house to rent and that's given me something to look forward to. I'll be moving in on the 1st so I'll be busy the next few weeks packing and getting things ready for the move. The house isn't exactly what I wanted but it will do for now and I can't stay where I'm at any longer for my own sanity. I think it will be good for me and my daughter.

Leaving the house that I shared with my husband for almost 13 years is going to be difficult. Part of me is still waiting for him to come home. I guess leaving is admitting that he really is gone forever. I have to let go but I'm not ready yet. I have a little more time to fantasize. I still think I'm going to wake up.
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Old 08-10-2016, 01:41 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,285,101 times
Reputation: 4589
Congratulations on finding a place! I moved from my house one year after my husband died, although I was away during that first year with friends for almost 3 months. It took me a long time to move because I had to get the house ready to sell and sell it, as well as finding a new place. I moved from Texas to California. I went back to the area we had lived in for most of our lives, our community and what I consider to be my home. My feeling is that moving does pack a lot of grieving into a short time because you have to deal so directly with all the possessions of your husband. I did donate many things (we had a lot of illness related equipment because of our situation) and some clothes, and I threw away underwear, socks and worn out shoes. I tell you, sometimes I just had to hold my emotional breath and just throw those things away. There is something disturbingly final about putting all those rather intimate things in the trash, but they are not things anyone will want at Good Will. I had a designated box of his personal things (watch, wallet, the stuff he kept in his pants pockets, his favorite belt, etc.) and I had to just steel myself not to think about it as I put those things into the box. (This is a time when you need that strength you know you have.) In the end, I did move a rather large box of his clothes that I just couldn't face getting rid of. I felt that I could deal with them later. I have a nice storage area in my new place where they are hung up and covered. Some day I will go through them. The thing is that if you have been living with someone for a long time, all their things are integrated through the house. From tools to a favorite bowl or wine opener in the kitchen, from his towels to his pillow, his computer to his diploma on the wall and his old paperwork in the filing cabinet, these things are all over. So it is rough. But if you can get through it, the experience will help you to get your fresh start. Much as I loved the actual house in Texas, it was so full of memories, mostly of medical awfulness and constant losses of everything he was, that I was very relieved to be gone. Moving does not end the grieving, but it does change things, and for me, it made it emotionally easier. You say that you are not ready yet, but I think you have to just deal with things as they are necessary. You will be ready because you will make yourself ready.

While doing all this, take some breaks to enjoy your daughter and your family, as this will help you get back to the business of moving. Also, make sure you are eating a healthy diet and getting enough sleep. Moving is an additional stress, and if you let yourself get physically run down, it will make everything worse. We are with you!
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Old 08-10-2016, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,664,795 times
Reputation: 27966
Excellent, MLC!!! We continue to root for you!
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Old 08-11-2016, 12:07 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
Reputation: 1762
I packed most of my husband's things a few weeks after he died and put everything in storage bins. I sold most of his tools already and gave some to his friends. Selling his tools was hard but I got through it. For the most part I plan on keeping everything that is left for now. I'm just going to put the bins in the spare room and deal with them when I'm ready. I plan on keeping quite a bit for our daughter when she's older and there's certain things that I want to keep for myself.

This grieving process is a strange thing. I can have a few really horrible days where I feel absolutely hopeless and terrified and then I can have a few days where I feel a little better and I can see a glimmer of light. This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.

The new house is giving me something positive to focus on so I'm trying to not go to that dark place again (at least for a little while.) I'm tired of feeling terrible. I'm going to go shopping and make the new place my own. I feel guilty for even saying that but I need a space without his memory attached to it. I know he would understand. I miss him so much but my heart can't take feeling so sad all of the time.

Last edited by melovescookies; 08-11-2016 at 01:04 PM..
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