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Old 08-22-2016, 12:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I thought I was doing better, I had a few decent weeks but a wave of sadness snuck up on me and my heart feels broken all over again. I knew I wasn't healed but I felt stronger and I was starting to see a little bit of hope. I don't know what happened but it was like a switch was flipped back on (or off) and I just miss my husband so much it hurts.

I keep thinking about the ocean analogy that grasshopper wrote about a while back and I feel like the waves are crashing down hard on me right now.
Yes. Remember that this will happen. Grief comes in cycles. Remember that you had a strong period, and that you will have another. For now, you just have to get through this period of pain. That little bit of hope you saw was real. It is just being hidden right now by this cycle of grief, but it will emerge again. Sometimes the re-emergence of intense grief is triggered by something (a sight, a smell, a song, etc.) but sometimes there seems to be no reason - you just seem to be thrown back into the water. But please have faith that as time goes on, these difficult times will get fewer and less intense, and the times of strength and progress will come more often. Just hang on, Cookies.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:13 AM
 
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The loneliness is really starting to get to me. I just miss having my partner to talk to and spend time with. I talk to friends but it's not the same. I miss physical affection too. I just miss having him to snuggle with and to hug. I was the center of someone's world for 13 years and now I feel so insignificant. It's was a wonderful feeling being so loved and to love in return. I want to forget him so badly. I don't want to remember anymore.
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Old 08-22-2016, 02:58 PM
 
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Cookies, Loneliness is really the biggest thing in this besides just grieving, I think. I think it takes a long time to adjust to this new paradigm. I know I am not yet adjusted, and I am 20 months out from my loss. I was with my husband for 43 years. I never really lived on my own (room mates in college, then living with, then marrying my husband.) So it is hard. I agree that there is a real hole in your life when there is no one that loves you in that deep, abiding way. So we grieve the loss of the man and also our new, and involuntary, singleness. It is not only the intimacy of hugs and physical contact, but the looks, the unspoken understanding, having someone know all about the details of who you are and who you were years ago, of making life work for the two of you, together. I have been sorrowed at times to think that no one REALLY knows me now. But it is just something that has to be accepted. We try to fill some of that in with friends, with doing interesting activities, with business at home, in the yard, etc. All of that is good, and is helpful in staving off the loneliness for a while, but of course, it isn't the same. I have read lots of entries from people who say that they have finally learned to enjoy living on their own, so I am hoping I will also, at some point. You, of course, have your little daughter to raise, which gives both company and comfort, but also challenge and the longing for her father to participate in her upbringing. But the only thing you can do, really, is to add activities that bring you a little satisfaction. You will not get that intimacy back unless you re-marry or have another committed relationship. And that is certainly a possibility for you, at some point. I also have times when too vivid a memory is painful to me, and sometimes I just distract myself. But I am aware that those memories are also the wonderful building blocks of my life. Those are the experiences that both expressed and made us who we are, so I don't really want to forget. Sometimes, I just want to postpone dwelling on them, other times, I let them wash over me. Just today my sister was telling me about an activity that her grown son is doing, and she paused to say that she thought of my husband and how much he would have enjoyed talking with her son about this (it was in his field.) Yes, we remember, and it is bitter-sweet. But mostly I like remembering now.
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Old 08-22-2016, 03:39 PM
 
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Thank you Grasshopper, you have a way of saying what I'm trying to express but I can't seem to get out. I miss having that person that really gets me, that person that I'm truly myself around. If I were sad or mad I didn't have to put on a happy face for him. If I were feeling silly I could be a total goof ball around him. I could be myself 100% of the time and not feel judged by him. Only with him could I let my guard down and feel completely comfortable. No one knows me like he did. I miss our connection.
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Old 08-22-2016, 06:56 PM
 
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I get it. It is truly a blessing to have someone who can accept and love you when you are really low and also when you are really silly, and everything between, who doesn't think less of you when you are in doubt or are really at your worst. That kind of persistent, unconditional love is, to me, a gift from God. And what freedom it brings with it! My counselor mentioned that a relationship like that is the hardest to lose. I have a friend who never had a happy marriage who kept saying how lucky I was to have had it for all those years. That was cold comfort to me in the beginning. I knew she was right, but I didn't want to hear it. That is one of those things that people say when they mean to be helpful but end up emphasizing the enormity of your loss. But you forgive and move on (she is still a close friend.) Love like that doesn't just stop. I believe there is still some sort of connection, although I would not be able to explain that very well. But I have had some experiences... Love is eternal.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:03 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
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That is so beautiful. I also have moments when grief overwhelms me. I think it always will but I've heard it gets less as time goes on. I hope that for you too.
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Old 08-25-2016, 02:01 PM
 
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Dear MLC, thinking about you today and wondering how you are doing. *Hugs*
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Old 08-25-2016, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
Dear MLC, thinking about you today and wondering how you are doing. *Hugs*
Me, too. Thinking of you and sending some love your way.
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Old 08-25-2016, 08:53 PM
 
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I've been busy getting ready to move on the first but I've also just been very sad. I try to push the sadness away and keep myself occupied but it's always there. Some days are better than others. I cry every day but not all day and I'm getting things accomplished. I just miss him. That feeling never goes away. Thanks for checking in. The support of the people here means a lot to me.
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Old 08-25-2016, 09:38 PM
 
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Cookies, I know we have talked about books before, and there are a lot of awful ones out there. But one I keep coming back to is How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando. This is written by a clinical psychologist, not just a random person writing about their own experiences. There are chapters about the nature of grief, but also sudden versus anticipated grief, the difference that a cause of death makes in grieving, the loss of and spouse, helping children to understand death and so on. I mention this because I have just been re-reading the part on Resolving Your Grief. This certainly talks about how to move through all the work of grieving, and I thought of you, and how you are now truly in the trenches, working so hard on making it through. There is a lot of support here for that, and explanation as to why it is so necessary to review the experiences of your life and feel the feelings, despite how hard it is. Last year, the earlier chapters were helpful to me and to my son. I looked at the "Resolving" chapters a year ago, and I don't think I was ready for it. But today I find a lot of support and affirmation, and some help in knowing how to proceed. It is one of those books where you can skip chapters that aren't relevant to you, a book that you can look up again when the time is right.

I know, books are not the ultimate in support - that comes from people. And some people don't like getting information that way, but I thought I'd let you know how useful I had found it.

I know, the sadness is always there, even when you are trying to do something else. Its like a weight you have to always carry. It colors every other experience you are having right now. I remember feeling that even if I laughed at something, it wasn't the same - there was sadness even in my laughing. I think it is the way it goes at this point.
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