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Old 08-26-2016, 08:53 AM
635 posts, read 399,674 times
Reputation: 1762


Thanks Grasshopper, I'll check that book out. I haven't been reading anything thing this last month. Month two after his loss I went through a reading frenzy and read eight books in about three weeks. I eventually got tired of grief books and took a break from reading. Some of the books were helpful and some were worthless.

I've been busy getting ready for the new house and I have moments when I'm enjoying myself buying a new rug or curtains but even then I feel sad deep down. He should be with me preparing for our new home. I don't want to make a life without him.

I try to live in the moment because if I look too far ahead I'll have a breakdown. The thought of raising my daughter alone and living my whole life without him is too depressing.
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Old 08-26-2016, 02:20 PM
3,989 posts, read 5,284,224 times
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You know, the "common knowledge" about making big changes after a significant loss is that you wait a year. In general, I think that is good advice, but some folks don't have that luxury. My understanding is that your move was necessary. So keep in mind that you are making a big change early in your grieving. I think this makes it difficult for you to think about making a life without your husband because you have not completely accepted the fact that he is gone. I think the acceptance part of grieving is particularly hard for you because of the circumstances of his death. So be easy on yourself. Even though you are busy with the work of moving, give yourself quiet time to sit and review all the events of your life with your husband. It is part of accepting. Over time, you will become more at peace with all those memories. (Chapter 15 of the book I recommended speaks particularly to this.) So do as much "nesting" and you feel comfortable with right now. The house does not have to look perfect all at once. Think short term. Later on, you may feel inspired to make it more your own. Just do what you can, spend time with your daughter, find time to talk with people who are supportive, and spend some time on your own. I know that "one day at a time" sounds trite and meaningless, but I think it is appropriate right now. Try to release your fear of the future. Fear seldom does us any good. Just get through each day.
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Old 08-26-2016, 07:10 PM
635 posts, read 399,674 times
Reputation: 1762
Moving is a lot of added stress but it is necessary. The house I'm currently living in is falling a part and I can't live like this anymore (emptying the bathtub with a bucket because the tub doesn't drain, washing machine broken, leaking pipes and high water bills , a.c. making loud noises, ceiling fan about to fall out of ceiling.)

Also, I'm so uncomfortable in my house since it was in my living room that two police officers told me that my husband was killed. Every time I'm in that room that's all I can think about now.

"One day at a time" is about all I can handle right now. The future seems hopeless and scary so I try not to think about it too much. I focus on what needs to be done that day and maybe find a little bit of happiness somewhere in the day (pretty much only though my children.)
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Old 08-30-2016, 12:58 PM
25,947 posts, read 25,985,140 times
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Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I've been busy getting ready to move on the first but I've also just been very sad. I try to push the sadness away and keep myself occupied but it's always there. Some days are better than others. I cry every day but not all day and I'm getting things accomplished. I just miss him. That feeling never goes away. Thanks for checking in. The support of the people here means a lot to me.
My 20 year old nephew died a few years back. We were very close and I couldn't bring myself to go to a showing let alone taking 2 valium to get up and read what I wrote at the funeral without breaking down.

I hear him right out my window raking leaves with his cousin and the laughter - oh the laughter. In the poem was a stanza "A cool breeze on my face, a touch of light rain, you will give me reminders we will unite again." Those reminders ended up being pennies. I was in tears talking with my mother the other night in -what if I'd done this, or that, or said something earlier. I woke up with a penny in my bed. I laughed and told him I loved him. It was as if he was saying -"It's okay"

I have always relied on music to help me through things. My mother always says No sad songs, but I've found them more or less saying you aren't alone. Sometimes you need to just let it out. I'll give you three.



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Old 08-30-2016, 04:05 PM
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I don't know if this letter has already been posted here, but I think this gentleman did an amazing job explaining grief:



I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I donít want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I donít want it to ďnot matterĒ. I donít want it to be something that just passes.

My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who canít see.

As for grief, youíll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youíre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itís some physical thing. Maybe itís a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itís a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and donít even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youíll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.

You never know whatís going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingÖand the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and itís different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OíHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youíll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you donít really want them to. But you learn that youíll survive them. And other waves will come. And youíll survive them too. If youíre lucky, youíll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

~ by GSnow
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Old 08-30-2016, 05:04 PM
Location: SWFL
21,634 posts, read 18,285,705 times
Reputation: 19026
Cookies, I am sorry.
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Old 08-30-2016, 05:07 PM
Location: SWFL
21,634 posts, read 18,285,705 times
Reputation: 19026
bree, thank you for posting that post from GSnow. Even today, going on 5 years, it was a comfort.
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:49 PM
635 posts, read 399,674 times
Reputation: 1762
Yes, thank you bree for posting that and thank you Thursday for taking the time for posting the music. My husband actually liked all three of those musicians. Right now I can't seem to find comfort in music though. Every time I turn on the radio I hear a song that reminds me of him and it's just too painful for me. Certain songs bring back powerful memories and for now I'm trying to block out the memories for my own sanity.

I made a big mistake this evening by looking at his pictures. I wasn't planning on it but I was packing and I found a big envelope full of our honeymoon pictures. We were so happy and in love and it's so sad that all of that's gone now. The way he looked at me in those pictures is heartbreaking. He absolutely loved me and I loved him as much. We had no idea that death and misery were coming for us.

I cried harder tonight than I have in weeks. Maybe I just needed to get it out. I'm just feeling all sad about leaving the home I shared with the man I loved so deeply for 13 years. I feel like I'm losing everything.
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Old 08-31-2016, 07:59 AM
Location: SWFL
21,634 posts, read 18,285,705 times
Reputation: 19026
You are experiencing another lose, cookies, and are grieving that lose also. Very natural to feel when just moving "normally" but compounded with the grief you are already in, a harder hit.

I used to have "times", after my 6 months had passed, that I needed a "good cry". I had stopped my continual crying, then my daily crying. I could even manage a couple of days! It seemed to build up though and I just had to let it out, I felt better, really, both physically and emotionally, and would continue on until the next round.

It's getting to be just a memory now. I used to recall every time, every day that I broke down and just lived that "one day at a time" until here it is going on 5 years and I am amazed that I DID make it through hell.

Baby steps. Go with the flow. Let the pain out. One day you will be where I am at now and I am returning the favor of all the wonderful people here who comforted me in my time of need, by telling you of my experience. They shared theirs, I couldn't believe, now the circle is complete.

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Old 08-31-2016, 08:55 AM
635 posts, read 399,674 times
Reputation: 1762
Thanks for your comforting words Tamiznluv, somedays I don't feel like I'm going to survive this and it's good to hear from people further out than me. Yesterday was just a rough day, it was my oldest friend's birthday. I haven't shared this here but she died just five days before my husband in a car accident also. I was mourning the loss of my friend when my husband was killed. It's so unbelievable to me that two people that I love were killed in one week. She stayed with us last summer for a month and now this summer my house is empty. Even my cat died this year. And now I'm supposed to be moving and a Tropical storm might be headed my way. I'm starting to feel cursed. I need some light. I can't handle much more.
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