U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-01-2016, 08:05 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762

Advertisements

I'm freaking out a little bit and just need to vent. Tonight is my last night in my old house and I'm happy that I'm going to a better house but I can't help but feeling so sad that I'm moving on without my husband. It's only been 14 weeks since he died but it feels like an eternity. I feel like I've aged 20 years in 3 1/2 months. I'm so tired and beat down and I just want him here to comfort me. He was my home, my safe place and now I feel so vacant. Thanks for listening to me rant. Maybe I'll feel better once this move is over.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-01-2016, 08:25 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,588,340 times
Reputation: 17235
Ahhhhhhhhhh I know how you feel but dont worry,your husband will probably move over with you (His spirit I mean)

Im so sorry your going thru this.... Dont worry about ranting,etc... It helps alot
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2016, 12:19 AM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
There is a pull on us when we move on - like we are leaving something of the one we lost. For me it was a feeling that each thing I changed, each decision I made on my own, was moving away from him. There can almost be a feeling that we have somehow betrayed him. But there really is no choice. We have to move on in one way or another, each at our own pace. It is the nature of life that things will change, and since they will, we have to do our best to change them in a way that will lead us in a positive direction. This is not a betrayal. It is an affirmation that there will be recovery and renewal, slow as this may come. I remember very well that a month after my husband died, I decided that I had to move some things out of the pantry. At that moment, it felt to me that throwing away his box of Coco Krispies was like throwing him away. But the alternative was to make it a memorial. (I know that sounds a little dumb - it was just a box of cereal. But it was a childhood favorite of his, and it felt symbolic to me.) I cried and stared at that box for the better part of a day. But I did decide to let it go. The first of a huge number of changes since.

I hope the move goes well and that you find a little time to rest.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2016, 03:49 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,636 posts, read 18,295,516 times
Reputation: 19031
At 3 1/2 months out I was still in a daze. TG no children to look after. I rarely went out. I rarely got out of my pjs. I smoked and drank myself into oblivion every night. It was 6 months in that I cried out to God to help me and HE did. The next morning I was better. I'm not preaching anything, just re-telling my experience.

I was finally able to clean out the closet. I kept a couple of things. That was my first step forward. I am now used to doing and being on my own. I do not look for a "replacement", although he told me to. I am content for the most part.

You keep on posting, dear. It really helps to get those feelings out into the open, even if it is just cyberspace. Some day, like me, you will disappear for months and months at a time from here and then only curiosity driving you back to others who really understand.

Next week I am going to become a "housemate" to a woman who just lost her husband in June. I think that will help both of us. Two widows helping each other "make it" without our husband's monetary help.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2016, 08:03 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762
It's been a rough day. I can't stop crying. I thought being in a new house would make me feel better but for some reason I feel lonelier than before. Everything seems to be a trigger for me today. I just miss him so much.

Last night I talked to my sister-in-law and she told me that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself because life isn't fair. She said I needed to stop being a victim and toughen up. I don't know but I think at 3 1/2 months out I'm allowed to wallow in self pity for awhile. It's not like I sleep all day. I take care of my daughter and function but I guess I do feel sorry for myself.

She went through a divorce a few years back and spent about a year in bed and likes to compare the death of my husband to her divorce. I'm sorry but it's not the same. Her ex is alive and well. She can talk to him. I know she means well but I'm not ready for tough love. I need actual love and comfort not a kick in the butt.

Did you other widows/widowers have people telling you that you needed to toughen up so soon? I talk to this person about once a week and I usually don't cry when we talk but I am mostly open about my feelings. I'm not a falling down mess all of the time but I am depressed. I just lost my soul mate how can I not be depressed? Maybe I should stop caring what other people think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2016, 08:34 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,588,340 times
Reputation: 17235
Im so sorry
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2016, 08:50 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
I agree that, while divorce is often a great loss and there is grieving, it is not the same, as you said, as losing someone in the final way that is death. I did not like it when someone compared my husband's death to their divorce.

At three and a half months, I was going to my widows' group once a week, yoga twice a week, still having weekly counseling and volunteering a couple times a week. But I also took a trip to the state my husband and I used to live in. I felt that I needed to make contact with old friends. Of course, I was still grieving (still am) and I would cry when talking about my husband and sometimes when I was alone, but I could function. I am a little concerned about telling you this because I don't think comparisons are really the best thing, as all of us are different in our grieving. But if you can't stop crying all day, I think that you may be getting into depression. Maybe you need to visit your doctor and talk to him/her about whether you have lapsed from grief into depression. It doesn't always happen, but it can.

I think "toughening up" is never good advice. We don't need to be tough. We need to work through our grief, adjust to the new realities, and start to adapt to life as it is now. We don't need to be tough. We do need to be strong. Moving has, I imagine, been very stressful for you. I imagine you are feeling even more lonely because there is no one to share all the additional tasks and all the decisions you are being faced with right now. I'm sure you are very tired, and need rest. (I think that even the little decisions, like where to put things in closets, can be very tiring when there are a million of them.) Maybe you could have someone help you with unpacking and/or taking care of your daughter while you do some of that.

Are you still going to a grief or widows' group? Do you have enough emotional support? Is someone there to encourage you, to tell you when you are making progress?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-04-2016, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,675,442 times
Reputation: 27966
As Grasshopper says, if by the end of the weekend you haven't made a shift to a better footing, you would do well to see a doctor. The change to a new place could be the demarcation point and a last major recognition of change, or could turn into something less healthy.

"I think at 3 1/2 months out I'm allowed to wallow in self pity for awhile"

You are also allowed to do drugs, drink yourself into a stupor, or any other self-harming behavior. You make an error in interpreting something intended to be helpful as being uncaring and insensitive because it came across as an imperative.

The simple fact that most of us end up understanding is that "wallowing" does not honor the deceased, does not honor us, and is debilitating. You are most certainly "allowed" to do it if you want, because there is only yourself to give permission. Your sister cannot allow or disallow your behavior.

I dislike suggesting something trite, but you might try something as simple as posting a few nicely made signs in places where you are likely to have emotional issues, signs that say simply "Would ___ want me to continue to wallow in grief? Would he be that despicably mean to me?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-04-2016, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Southern California
19,337 posts, read 6,398,790 times
Reputation: 13063
Time is on your side. I have never lost a loved one with death, a 5 yr old nephew yes but not a husband....yes I lost one in divorce that was very very tough, they live on and you are picking up the pieces left and working to get your life working again. I don't think anyone wants us to suffer and I always get solace from this poem:

Miss Me But Let Me Go!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-05-2016, 03:30 PM
 
5,930 posts, read 2,042,226 times
Reputation: 4187
Dearest MLC. I've been reading posts trying to catch up. We just returned home after being away because of the hurricane.

I am so sorry that you are going through this continued pain. I saw the post about your SIL wanting you to stop wallowing in self pity. You are not wallowing, honey. Not at all. You are putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make it through this uncharted territory. Please don't listen to people who tell you to feel otherwise. You are feeling what you are feeling, and it is all legitimate. You are grieving, dear one, and nothing anyone can say will rush that process. Don't let anyone guilt you or make you feel badly for being right where you are on your journey.

I'm thinking about you. As positive as this new change may be, I can only imagine there are many other thoughts and emotions accompanying this move. Listen to your own heart and know there are many of us here holding you in ours.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top