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Old 09-05-2016, 11:14 PM
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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Thanks for the support and advice everyone. I think I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted and feeling worn down. I desperately wish I could take a few days just for myself and rest someplace peaceful but that's not a possibility.

I'm not going to see a doctor at this point. I've been on antidepressants in the past and I felt that the side effects weren't worth the benefits. What I need is people to support me and help me. I need help with my daughter so I can get a break once in awhile and I need people that I can talk to that aren't going to judge me and try to rush me to get better. I need love and understanding. I need someone to help me hang up curtains. I need someone to hookup my DVD player. I need someone to eat pizza with and to watch bad with me. I need real friends that aren't afraid of the bad stuff (I have a few.) I basically need my husband.
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Old 09-06-2016, 12:14 AM
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Cookies, I am sure you are, as you say, just worn down. This is a time to call in your friends, to have them help you with things like the curtains, but also to give you some down time. You should not be shy about asking. When I was moving, all those tasks started to get easier once I sat and defined just what I needed and actually asked. You know all those people who said "let me know if I can help"? Now is the time to let them know. Some of those friends may also be people that you can talk to. But even those who are not particularly close, who you don't feel you can really talk to, might still want to help ease your burden by doing tasks for you.
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Old 09-06-2016, 09:38 AM
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It's hard because I only have three really good friends and one lives on the other side of the state, one is a single mom with two kids and a full-time job so she's busy all of the time and the other has been doing so much for me already that I feel guilty asking him for anything else. I don't have anyone that can help me with my daughter besides the few family members that watch her on occasion already and I can't afford to pay for childcare.

The three friends I mentioned are the ones I call when I'm feeling down but they can't always physically be there for me because they have lives of their own. I just have to suck it up and keep going.
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Old 09-06-2016, 11:14 AM
Location: SWFL
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Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
Dearest MLC. I've been reading posts trying to catch up. We just returned home after being away because of the hurricane.

I am so sorry that you are going through this continued pain. I saw the post about your SIL wanting you to stop wallowing in self pity. You are not wallowing, honey. Not at all. You are putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make it through this uncharted territory. Please don't listen to people who tell you to feel otherwise. You are feeling what you are feeling, and it is all legitimate. You are grieving, dear one, and nothing anyone can say will rush that process. Don't let anyone guilt you or make you feel badly for being right where you are on your journey.

I'm thinking about you. As positive as this new change may be, I can only imagine there are many other thoughts and emotions accompanying this move. Listen to your own heart and know there are many of us here holding you in ours.
Excellent post, trobes. Glad you are back from Hermine.
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Old 09-06-2016, 11:45 AM
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Thank you. We were very fortunate with Hermine. None the worse for the wear, as they say. LOL.
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:32 PM
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Cookies, I understand that you are not interested in antidepressants at this point, but I would still encourage you to get consistent counseling. It was extremely important for me, and I think it could be very helpful for you. It could help you to get some perspective on where you are at this point and where you want to go in your life. A good counselor could also help you with finding other resources. You might want to call your local hospice. Even though I know you were not a client, they might have a list of counselors who are experienced with grieving about a lost spouse, and they could give you names of people who might do this on a sliding scale. Another thought I have had is a church. I know that not everyone wants to do this, so you can ignore this if you want, but I will tell you a little of my experience. I had only been attending a church for a few weeks (because we had just moved there) and was not a member when my husband was diagnosed. I called the church from the hospital on the second day, when I was utterly crushed and numb, and just said "I need help" and that same day I had a pastor there at the hospital, and that was followed by all kinds of people who wanted to help with everything from bringing food to mowing my lawn. And the church stuck with me for 5 more years, until I moved away. I don't know how I could have packed up and moved by myself without them. You may not be comfortable this that, but it is a thought. But in any case, I do encourage you to get a counselor to help you with the emotional burden you are carrying.
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Old 09-08-2016, 12:27 PM
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I've been quietly following this thread. I haven't experienced the loss of a spouse but I am acquainted with grieving and on some level many of the emotions you may be feeling. (I actually sent you a DM months ago but understand fully if you haven't seen it or felt comfortable responding and I don't intend on posting too much after this..)
My husband and I just prayed for you and I have done so at times while reading this thread. It's wonderful that you have a support system with strangers. I don't know your faith and views concerning prayer and spirituality but I personally felt it would be remiss of me not to share what I know to be a healing and comfort in the midst of dark times. Whatever your faith or experience I pray that during those very lonely and low times you invite God into your grief---you've got nothing to loose :-) even if its simply "If you're there and you're listening---help me!" And keep asking and seeking until you get what you've asked of Him!

Take care

Eta: just read the post above mine ;-)
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:48 PM
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Tell-the-Truth- Thank you for your kind words and support. I actually didn't read your DM until just now. Somehow I must have missed it when you first sent it. I try not to discuss my religious beliefs here because religion is a sensitive subject and I don't want to offend anyone. I respect everyone's right to believe whatever they want and I appreciate the fact that people are thinking about my family and wishing us well. To be honest, I don't know what I believe in anymore and I'd like to leave it at that.

Grasshopper- To address the therapy and help issues, I went to a grief support center a few times but it didn't work out mainly because of childcare issues. The group meeting that I was most comfortable in was held on Friday evenings and it was too difficult to get a babysitter consistently on Friday night.

Childcare has been a huge problem for me. I can't afford daycare and I need to be able to leave my daughter with someone I trust. I might be a little overprotective but I just lost my husband and I'm not going to take any chances with my daughter's life. Until I figure out a reliable and safe childcare solution I don't see how I can see a therapist on a regular basis. The cheapest part time daycare I can find is $135 a week for three days a week and I still can't afford that. I really don't know what I'm going to do at this point.

Anyway, I don't go to church and I don't feel comfortable going to a random church and asking for help. I don't feel right joining a church just so they can do things for me. Being part of a community sounds great but I don't know if church is the place for me. I do appreciate your advice and I am going to work on getting help once I figure out a childcare solution. Take care.
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Old 09-09-2016, 01:22 PM
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Cookies, I don't have real answers for your childcare problem. Have you told the organizers of the support group that you can't attend for that reason? Have you asked for resources and help with finding affordable day care? Also, if you were to call hospice to ask about counseling, they might also have suggestions for childcare during counseling. A lot of states have a Child Care Resource Center that might be helpful.

I understand about not wanting to go to a "random church" if you have no connection now. Whether you look into that further is completely up to you. Many churches, however, do take their responsibility to their communities and the people in them who may be in distress very seriously. People do want to help, its just a matter of connecting. Here is one website I found. I imagine there are many others. Widowed Moms: What to Do and Where to Get Financial Help SingleMoms.org - Financial Help, Parenting, Lifestyle | SingleMoms.org – Financial Help, Parenting, Lifestyle
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Old 09-09-2016, 08:21 PM
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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Thank you Grasshopper for finding that website. There's a lot of good information on it. I'm in a spot where I'm bringing in too much money to qualify for any assistance yet the money I do have is just enough to live off of without much extra. I am grateful that I'm able to live off of what I have for the time being and I know a lot of widows don't have that luxury. Childcare is just expensive and in order to qualify for subsidised assistance you have to be bringing in next to nothing.

I never told the people at the grief center why I stopped going I just stopped showing up and no one ever contacted me from there again. As far as I know their meetings have always been on Friday evenings and I wouldn't ask them to change the day just for me.I know they have them in the evenings to accommodate people who work. I haven't talked to Hospice yet but I do have the contact information for the woman that runs the grief support center in my area. I've just been so busy with moving that I haven't had time or really the motivation to call her.

I had a rough patch but I've been feeling a little better these last few days. I've been busy unpacking and trying to get my mind off depressing things. I took my daughter to the park twice this week and we had a nice time. My oldest also came over for dinner one night and it was good to spend time with her. I expect another wave of grief to hit me again but I know when it does it will pass. I'm always sad but it's only been 15 weeks and I'm not going to get over losing the love of my life so quickly (if ever.)
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