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Old 06-17-2016, 07:08 PM
 
5,904 posts, read 2,037,152 times
Reputation: 4179

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Dear MeLovesCookies. My heart breaks for you and your baby girl. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I just want to reach through the computer and hug you.
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Old 06-17-2016, 07:33 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762
I wish I had more help with my daughter but there really isn't anyone that can watch her right now (anyone that has offered anyway.) My sister-in-law has watched her a few times since the accident but she works during the day and has children of her own to care for so even though she would like to help more she just really doesn't have the time.

Both my own mother and mother-in-law have watched her a few times also but it's not something they want to do on a regular basis. They're both older too so it's difficult for them to chase after an active toddler.

Just a few days ago my mother-in-law asked me if there was anything she could do to help me with the move and I asked if she would help with the baby for a few hours in the afternoon maybe a couple of days this week and she told me that it was too difficult for her to be around the baby right now. She's grieving and people are acting strange lately so I don't know what to think.

All I know is that I'm basically on my own so I just need to find a way to get through each day. My daughter is in bed now so it's my time to fall apart.

Friday night we used to just watch tv or sit on the back porch and talk. Even after 13 years we never ran out of things to talk about. I just miss talking to him. I miss his voice so much it hurts. I miss holding hands on the couch. I feel like I'm missing part of my body. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 06-17-2016, 08:02 PM
 
13,501 posts, read 14,062,088 times
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is there an agency for nannies or babysitters, how about a temp agency that can send someone out for a few days to help you organize. maybe ask a church group or a woman's organization.
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Old 06-17-2016, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,287 posts, read 2,504,470 times
Reputation: 7264
I have no advice or words of wisdom for you, mlc, but please know that my heart is breaking for you.

Hugs and positive thoughts to you and your baby girl.
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Old 06-17-2016, 11:32 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
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I know I really need the help with my daughter but I'm honestly scared to leave her with someone I don't know right now. I also don't know where I'm going to be living in the next two weeks so it makes it more difficult to join any kind of group. I don't want to start someplace and make friends just to leave and never see them again.

Also, she's been at home with me for two years and is very attached to me and doesn't even like being left with a family member so I don't know how she's going to handle being left with someone completely new. She was also very attached to her dad and although she's little and doesn't understand what is happening she definitely knows something is off.

I don't want to do any of this. I just want my life back. A month ago I had a happy life. We didn't have much money and we lived in a run down house but we had each other and we knew we were lucky to have the kind of marriage that we had. We didn't take each other for granted and he was a good husband and a good father and just a good person and tonight I'm mad. Again, if you're still reading this thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to continue this rant in my journal and go to bed.
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Old 06-18-2016, 01:05 AM
 
951 posts, read 879,229 times
Reputation: 1880
I am so sorry for your loss. I have not experienced this but have gone thru some enormous, life-changing losses in my life. I'm glad you posted you were mad because that is definitely a legitimate response and hopefully you won't feel bad about it later---you have every right to your anger. All of the feelings you have had and will have are okay. It is okay to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel sorry for yourself, to feel exasperated with your daughter because she needs so much care, to feel over-whelmed and hurt and angry and sad. We are often stronger than we think. I have survived some really tough things and now face more, but I try to remind myself that I made it this far...... Sending (((hugs))) to you and wishing you know that someone cares. p.s. just want to add that journaling (sometimes even on odd pieces of paper or backs of old envelopes) helped me a lot, both at the time I was writing, and even years later as I tried to process it all. Save your writings.....and a very good idea to write your memories.... after time passes they may become a bit unsure. Take care of yourself.
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Old 06-18-2016, 08:28 AM
 
10,490 posts, read 7,589,368 times
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I am so sorry. I can only imagine. My dad died when I was 2. My sister was 4. Try to be very frugal, as I'm sure you are, but remember that it's there for the two of you.

Your demographic was just violently changed. Your friends may be uncomfortable because of petty yet human reasons. Natural but not pleasant. I do highly encourage you to find a church you are comfortable with. Churches have a lot of resources and a good Bible believing church (for example) will make it their mission to embrace you as a widow. Seriously. You'll have the oil changed in your car, any household problems will be taken care of. Little things that will seem huge without your life partner there to solve... no worries.

Another wonderful thing about church is the loving arms who will hold your daughter (all with background checks at a good church). They will provide an hour of positive socialization for her while you are ministered to by the sermon. There are events that your family (you and your daughter) can participate in that will make positive memories for both of you.

If you're not comfortable with a church, keep looking! But don't let one person (a well intention busy body) run you off.

The big church I belonged to had grief counseling and groups.
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Old 06-18-2016, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Maryland
423 posts, read 889,977 times
Reputation: 774
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I've been a regular member here for some time. I used to come here to talk about trivial stuff like television shows and fashion and never expected to post here on Grief and Mourning but here I am.

My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.

I don't have a specific question and I don't know what I'm looking for, I guess maybe just someone who knows what I'm feeling. My friends have lost a parent or maybe a sibling but no one has lost a spouse.

Today I don't feel like this pain will ever go away. I just miss him so much. I don't want to move past the pain but I have a small child and I can't cry all day. I have to get up and hold it together for her but the nights are bad. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread and sobbed because my heart hurts so much and that's when I decided to come here and write this. Thanks for reading this.


www.grieving.com
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Old 06-18-2016, 11:52 AM
 
4,530 posts, read 6,205,242 times
Reputation: 4093
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I know I really need the help with my daughter but I'm honestly scared to leave her with someone I don't know right now. I also don't know where I'm going to be living in the next two weeks so it makes it more difficult to join any kind of group. I don't want to start someplace and make friends just to leave and never see them again.

Also, she's been at home with me for two years and is very attached to me and doesn't even like being left with a family member so I don't know how she's going to handle being left with someone completely new. She was also very attached to her dad and although she's little and doesn't understand what is happening she definitely knows something is off.

I don't want to do any of this. I just want my life back. A month ago I had a happy life. We didn't have much money and we lived in a run down house but we had each other and we knew we were lucky to have the kind of marriage that we had. We didn't take each other for granted and he was a good husband and a good father and just a good person and tonight I'm mad. Again, if you're still reading this thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to continue this rant in my journal and go to bed.
Vent all you want. You're entitled to it. I wish you had your life back too. Life and death aren't fair at all.
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Old 06-18-2016, 12:15 PM
 
Location: AZ
611 posts, read 315,475 times
Reputation: 2460
Lost my wife suddenly. 47 years married. She died suddenly with me holding her in my arms and 911 on the line. Unless someone has experienced the death of a beloved mate, they have no idea what you are experiencing. The only human I could talk to was a man who had lost his wife suddenly some years before. He had no advice, he just showed up and sat with me. I would weep, pace, pray, rinse and repeat. Several years later, I still weep on occasion. While it makes no sense now, time will help but it will take time. Everyone is different. I started building little shrines in our home digging out pictures of her and arranging them on my desk. Then I cleared all that away for a bit. I am a Christian and was active in my small church. I had a spiritual foundation which of course many scoff at these days but for me it meant survival at the darkest time of my life. My faithful Pastor had the good sense not to come along with loads of Bible verses and speaking for God and trying to answer questions. He just quietly told me, "I cannot imagine what you are feeling, just know I am here for you." There is no shortage of advice, condolences etc, which means little right now. For me, I eventually had to sell my home. My daughter-in-law helped dispose of my wife's belongings. I also opened her closets and invited friends to come and select anything they liked with the rest going to Salvation Army and Habitat for Humanity.

Now for the part you will find difficult to accept. Loneliness can cause you to make some awful decisions especially with the opposite sex. A close friend, female, warned me to beware of the "casserole ladies". It was not long before folks began hinting that they knew someone I ought to meet. At my age, seven decades, I thought it silly. Loneliness though is real. You can easily 'hook up' with the wrong person out of loneliness so beware. However, eventually, I did meet someone, remarried, and life is good. However, I still grieve and I think I always will. The pain is less but the scar is there.

I can only say be patient with yourself, with your daughter. I do realize we live in a irreligious society and I also know that many churches are about as loving as ice especially with single folks. With that said, I do suggest you visit around. You might discover a congregation that will take you in and treat you as Christ said we must treat others.

Cry a lot. It actually helps. Nothing to be ashamed of there. I slept with the clothes my wife had on when she died. I wanted her smell with me. Moving on is doable but it is a tough thing to do.
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