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Old 06-22-2016, 12:52 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
Reputation: 1762

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Thanks everyone for your support. After I wrote that last night I ended up calling a friend and we talked for about 30 minutes. She got me to calm down some and I was able to get some sleep. I just hate calling people so late when I know they have to be up early for work even though they tell me it's okay to call.

I plan on joining a support group or getting a counselor once I get settled in my new place and make dependable child care arrangements. I know I need the help now I just don't have the time or a babysitter.

I hadn't thought about calling a crisis hotline. I don't think I'm that bad off yet. I do have a few friends that I can call I just don't want to be a burden on people. I'm not used to leaning on anyone but my husband for help so reaching out to anyone is hard for me.

I'm not a very social person and I only have a few close friends and my sister that I really feel comfortable talking to (besides anonymous internet strangers of course.)
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Old 06-23-2016, 01:47 AM
 
Location: N.Anaheim SoCal
5 posts, read 3,175 times
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Hello melovescookies, I posted my first post in this forum just a few weeks ago and thought to check in and read a few posts. For me, this site has been therapy as well as FB. I just turned 49 and lost my wife to a sudden death syndrome. I woke at 6am to perform CPR and 1.5 months after, buried her. In the last 5 years I lost my Father and a brother as well (both to natural causes).


It's rough at times, really rough. Yes I had a soul mate and ours was love at first sight and deep. She was my everything, my best friend, and certainly my better half. I miss her dearly but time does help. I don't really know what to add that hasn't already been said but I also write to her, visit her grave, and lots of times just hold conversations with her as if she was here. This actually helps. Having someone to talk to that has a similar story is huge as most just can't relate although they mean well.


Please find time to get away. You'll need time to concentrate on you. We're here... personally, it may be another week or so when I get back in here but I'll check in.


Drew
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Old 06-23-2016, 01:07 PM
 
3,991 posts, read 5,286,026 times
Reputation: 4591
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thanks everyone for your support. After I wrote that last night I ended up calling a friend and we talked for about 30 minutes. She got me to calm down some and I was able to get some sleep. I just hate calling people so late when I know they have to be up early for work even though they tell me it's okay to call.

I plan on joining a support group or getting a counselor once I get settled in my new place and make dependable child care arrangements. I know I need the help now I just don't have the time or a babysitter.

I hadn't thought about calling a crisis hotline. I don't think I'm that bad off yet. I do have a few friends that I can call I just don't want to be a burden on people. I'm not used to leaning on anyone but my husband for help so reaching out to anyone is hard for me.

I'm not a very social person and I only have a few close friends and my sister that I really feel comfortable talking to (besides anonymous internet strangers of course.)
This is all so understandable to me. I have two sisters, both of whom urged me to call ANY TIME, and I did. They were such a support for me. Still are. I had 2 other friends who were just as supportive - one I met in my spousal support group. Her friendship was wonderful for me because we understood each other's grief. We could go out to lunch together, and if one of us started to cry over anything, the other one understood. She knew just when I needed a hug and when it was OK to just accept the tears and go on because she knew how it feels to lose your love. You are right that some people may feel it is a burden to receive your grief. Others don't. Bless those loving individuals who accept our grief just as they accept our joy. You will know who you can talk to. I don't have a lot of friends either. Its quality, not quantity that counts.
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Old 06-23-2016, 04:54 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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I'm sorry for the loss of your wife Drew. I read your story on the thread you started and I know you understand exactly how I'm feeling. It's obvious how much you truly loved your wife and what a strong person you are. I hope I can be that strong for my kids. I guess I'll have to be.
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Old 06-24-2016, 11:19 AM
 
819 posts, read 1,323,533 times
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So sorry about your husband. Hopefully that precious child will put lots of joy in your life. If you lived closer to me, I would gladly help with your 2 year old. Good luck and God bless.
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Old 06-24-2016, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,531 posts, read 16,112,329 times
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Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I know I've said it before but I really hate the night. Just when I think I'm doing ok during the day it hits about 9:00 pm and the baby is fast asleep and it's getting too late to call anyone and I start to panic.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing here but I wrote in my journal and it didn't help. I'm just so scared. I'd call someone but everyone has to work in the morning. I just want my husband.
I am sorry for your loss. Hugs.

If you have a friend or relative who says that it is OK to call "anytime" please do that. When someone close to me was going through a difficult time I really did not mind being "there for her" even if she called at 2 AM.
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Old 06-24-2016, 06:34 PM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,859 posts, read 2,445,762 times
Reputation: 3224
Person Asks Online For Advice On How To Deal With Grief. This Reply Is Incredible. | That Eric Alper

My heart just aches for you. I have never experienced the loss of a husband, but I did lose my dad very unexpectedly and suddenly when I was just 14 years old. He was 39 and died of a heart attack. It pulled the rug out from under me and I still miss him after 48 years.

I don't know if this post about grief will be helpful to you, but I hope it is and I send it to you with love, dear one. I am so very sorry that you are going through this most painful of times.
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Old 06-24-2016, 09:56 PM
 
635 posts, read 400,017 times
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Originally Posted by vrexy View Post
Person Asks Online For Advice On How To Deal With Grief. This Reply Is Incredible. | That Eric Alper

My heart just aches for you. I have never experienced the loss of a husband, but I did lose my dad very unexpectedly and suddenly when I was just 14 years old. He was 39 and died of a heart attack. It pulled the rug out from under me and I still miss him after 48 years.

I don't know if this post about grief will be helpful to you, but I hope it is and I send it to you with love, dear one. I am so very sorry that you are going through this most painful of times.
Thank you, it actually was helpful. I do feel like I'm drowning and barley hanging on. I hope that this pain will fade some with time but right now my heart is literally aching I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm going to survive another four weeks, four months or even worse another forty years without him.

All of my friends and family think I'm doing great and keep telling me how strong I am but on the inside I'm dying. I can function because I have to for my daughter but this pain is so unbearable at times I feel like I can't take it.

Pain, fear, sadness, heartbreak, terror, guilt, loneliness. How did this become my life? On May 24th 2016, I had a happy little family. We had dinner together, gave the baby a bath, read her a story before bed, watched tv before going to sleep and now a month later my whole life is shattered. If you're still reading, thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 06-24-2016, 10:23 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,612 posts, read 38,219,390 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
If you're still reading, thanks for letting me vent.
Keep doing it.

So sorry this has happened. There are lots of people here who have been through so much, and I have seen them share and help folks in unexpected ways.
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Old 06-25-2016, 12:10 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,675,442 times
Reputation: 27971
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thank you, it actually was helpful. I do feel like I'm drowning and barley hanging on. I hope that this pain will fade some with time but right now my heart is literally aching I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm going to survive another four weeks, four months or even worse another forty years without him.

All of my friends and family think I'm doing great and keep telling me how strong I am but on the inside I'm dying. I can function because I have to for my daughter but this pain is so unbearable at times I feel like I can't take it.

Pain, fear, sadness, heartbreak, terror, guilt, loneliness. How did this become my life? On May 24th 2016, I had a happy little family. We had dinner together, gave the baby a bath, read her a story before bed, watched tv before going to sleep and now a month later my whole life is shattered. If you're still reading, thanks for letting me vent.
You go forward one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Vent, journal, distract yourself, do whatever you need to get through episodes. Somehow, get as much sleep as you can. Call friends. Use earphones and loud music. Write a cheerful memory book for your child as you can. You want to share who he was, and what you write now could be a major connection for your child later. You can take parts of your grief, parts of the joy of your life together, and turn it into his legacy.

I do have a warning. While you want and need to express your feelings and hurt and grief, be careful with what you reinforce. If there is an extreme period of grief, express it as being there only for the period of time it was like that. If you are feeling a little better or less stressed sometimes, express that as well to give yourself a little honest positive reinforcement. Don't try to deny your feelings, but recognize that they don't define you, that YOU define you and your love and heart defines you. Your love is still there, and you know that you deserve it as well as your husband. At the risk of being cliche, recognize that he would not want you to carry the burden of pain and grief and that he would try to help you get beyond it. If a time is especially hard and you don't think you can handle it alone, call someone so you don't have to handle it alone.
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