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Old 06-25-2016, 01:57 AM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,285,101 times
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Harry, I think your warning is premature. Yes, sometimes people get stuck, and they need to identify themselves as whole people, not as just mourners. No, our grief should not define us. But this is very fresh for Cookies. She is rightfully in so much pain and shock right now, it is so fresh, that the healthy long term identification is a non-issue. Right now, grief is dominating her life, and I don't know how it could be any other way. It is so hard to get through each day at this point.

Cookies, if others are seeing you as strong, you are probably doing well with handling your move and your daughter and all the complications you are having to deal with. It is during times like this that we often find out that we are actually much stronger than we would have thought. But that outward strength is not the same as how we feel inside. And while other people see us as strong, we feel like we are holding it together with a thread. That's why if is so helpful to have some one you can talk to about how you truly feel. Your perception that your life has shattered is absolutely true. When we lose a much beloved spouse, we lose our past, our present and our hoped for future. But you do, I'm sure, have the ability and resources to bring it back together and form a new future for you and your daughter. It will take time and patience, and it right now it may be impossible to see past the pain, but the future will be there for you. Unfortunately, right now there is no way to avoid the ocean of grief. You must swim right through it. I'm so sorry.
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Old 06-25-2016, 03:18 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,907,467 times
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I can give you a big hug and I will include you in my prayers. <3
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Old 06-25-2016, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,664,795 times
Reputation: 27966
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thank you, it actually was helpful. I do feel like I'm drowning and barley hanging on. I hope that this pain will fade some with time but right now my heart is literally aching I miss him so much. I don't know how I'm going to survive another four weeks, four months or even worse another forty years without him.

All of my friends and family think I'm doing great and keep telling me how strong I am but on the inside I'm dying. I can function because I have to for my daughter but this pain is so unbearable at times I feel like I can't take it.

Pain, fear, sadness, heartbreak, terror, guilt, loneliness. How did this become my life? On May 24th 2016, I had a happy little family. We had dinner together, gave the baby a bath, read her a story before bed, watched tv before going to sleep and now a month later my whole life is shattered. If you're still reading, thanks for letting me vent.
Are you OK, or at least trying to cope? We are concerned.
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Old 06-25-2016, 09:12 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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Thank you for your concern harry chickpea, today was actually a better day. My mom watched my daughter for a few hours and I had lunch with a friend. It was nice to get a break for a little while. I really needed a day off from packing and my little one and it was good to talk to a friend in person.

I know some of my posts may seem a little crazy and I feel a little crazy at times but in general I'd say I'm okay but I'm not okay if that makes any sense. Of course I'm profoundly sad because I lost the love of my life but I would never take my own life or do anything stupid because of my children. I would never do that to them. I can function, I still cook and clean and shower twice a day. I do everything I did before just alone and sad. I'm making it through each day. I'm tell myself that I am strong and that I can do this for my girls. Some days are better than others. Nights are always hard. I'm always scared though.

Thank you again for your concern. It's amazing to me that a group of strangers on the internet can be so caring.

Last edited by melovescookies; 06-25-2016 at 09:31 PM..
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Old 06-25-2016, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,949 posts, read 51,664,795 times
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YOU are OK, YEA!

It ISN'T fair. Absolutely scream and stomp your feet. It deserves it. Allow the anger to be anger and don't take it on to yourself as more grief.

NONE of us have full understanding. Have as much joy in your baby as possible, remember an ordinary day with joy for it being ordinary. Start thinking of looking forward, but with honor and love for the ordinary days of the past.
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Old 06-25-2016, 11:23 PM
 
951 posts, read 879,425 times
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I don't know if this would work for you, but when I was going thru a terrible loss, I finally got to the point that even I was tired of always breaking down in tears, so I allowed myself to cry for a period of time and then said "enough", time to do something else....and it did help me move thru those awful days and nights. Knowing it was ok to cry but then limiting it helped me to get on with life......your loss may still be too new for this technique, but maybe would help later on. just a thought.
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Old 06-26-2016, 09:40 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
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Today was really depressing. I hate Sundays. Sunday was our family day. I wrote in my journal for a bit and it made me feel worse. I just want to stop thinking about him for five minutes. I want to feel normal again.

Everyone around seems to be going on with their lives but I can't. He was my life. I don't want to move on. I'm envious of normal people and their everyday problems. I don't want to talk about the high price of groceries or how bad traffic is, my husband is dead!

I don't know what I want, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be around happy people either. Today was just a sad day, maybe tomorrow will be better.
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Old 06-27-2016, 12:58 AM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,285,101 times
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After my husband died, I thought of him every waking moment except when I HAD to think of something else. I reviewed in my mind over and over when we first met, when we first kissed, all the significant, wonderful times. I'm sure I reviewed them a thousand times. I don't know why we do this, but it seems like it was necessary for me. I couldn't think of anything else. A few months later, I tried to sing in the church choir, but I couldn't concentrate on the music. I couldn't even read a book or an article. Again, I just couldn't concentrate. About 3 months later, I decided to go to the discussion group I had attended before his death. I sat there thinking "its fine for them to talk about this, but I don't want to think about it. I only want to think about him." I wasn't ready. But slowly, I started to notice that I did have thoughts other than my life with my husband. Gradually, in about the 4th month, I could think about other things. I imagine everyone's time table is different on this, but it just seems to me that when you need to think about only your husband, you should let yourself do that. It is a process, and you should, as much as possible, allow yourself to go through it. That means that sometimes you will want to be alone. Gradually, this will subside. Of course, you need to do the things you need to do with your daughter and house. But I don't think there is anything wrong with spending time when you can just thinking, remembering. This is not a sign of depression. It is normal grieving. Yes, you want to feel normal again, but normal is going to be different now, and it is going to take a while to get there. The pain of grieving is so, so hard to endure, but you will do it. Have patience. Sometimes it helps to just tell someone about your husband. If you "don't want to be alone, but don't want to be around happy people, either," perhaps now is the time to ask a friend to just sit with you and listen.

Praying for you...
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Old 06-27-2016, 12:47 PM
 
5,917 posts, read 2,039,431 times
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Special hugs to you today MLC. I cannot imagine your pain, and it breaks my heart that you are suffering so. I hope you have been able to eat and sleep a little better. I lost my dad when I was three, and I think having me is what got my mama through.
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Old 06-27-2016, 10:26 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,867 times
Reputation: 1762
Quote:
Originally Posted by trobesmom View Post
Special hugs to you today MLC. I cannot imagine your pain, and it breaks my heart that you are suffering so. I hope you have been able to eat and sleep a little better. I lost my dad when I was three, and I think having me is what got my mama through.
I've been making myself eat at least one meal a day for about a week now. I still have no appetite but I eat because I need the strength to take care of my little one. I sleep decent but only because I take sleeping pills. Without them I would never sleep.

If you're comfortable talking about it, I'd like to know how do you feel growing up without a father affected you? It breaks my heart that my little girl will never have her dad. I get so depressed when I think about all of the things that he won't be there for and I hate that my daughter will experience pain because of it.

Having my daughter is the thing motivating me to get out of bed each day and to keep moving forward. She's definitely a handful but she's also my little ray of sunshine in this dark scary place that I'm currently existing in. Sometimes it's just her sweet smile or silly laugh that gets me through the day.
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