U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 06-28-2016, 11:25 AM
 
5,904 posts, read 2,035,087 times
Reputation: 4178

Advertisements

Dear MLC. I am happy to share my experience with you. Some may think that a very young child isn't affected by the loss of a parent, but they are. My parents were married longer than you and your beloved when I came along. I was immediately doted on and loved. I have that knowledge in my heart to this day, and I'm almost 60. My father would not let anyone discipline me, so I was headed down the path of being very spoiled, lol. My mother and father were very much in love, and my mother continued talking to me about my father always, and what a wonderful man he was. When I was almost 5 my mother remarried and it was she and my stepfather who raised me. They were still married until she died over 20 years ago.

I can tell you that a parent's love touches places within your soul that you cannot even fathom. Although I don't remember my daddy from a physical standpoint I will tell you that I always had him tucked into a special place in my heart throughout my life, and am thankful for the unconditional, eternal love of both my parents.

Your little girl can sense things are different, and she may become more clingy. I think that's perfectly normal. Just continue to love her as you do now. I think a mother and child who goes through the loss of a husband and father will have a special bond. After all, the two of you are going through the hardest experience anyone can imagine.

I think so much about you, because I see my mom in you from my 3 year old vantage point. I wish you peace my friend. It won't be an easy road, but I'm glad you have both of your children and pray that you are comforted by them at the end of each day. Hugs.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-28-2016, 08:21 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762
Thank you so much for sharing that trobesmom, absolutely beautiful! I hope that I can keep my husband's memory alive for my daughter the way that your mother did for you. I want her to know how in love we were with each other and that she was created in love.

Someday when she's older I'll share with her all the love notes he wrote me and the stories of the good times we had together. I know I'm lucky to have been loved so deeply but it makes losing that love so much harder.

I miss him so much. My heart aches worse each day. I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life in this pain. I wish he were here instead of me. He deserved to raise his daughter. I got to see one of my children grow up and he'll never get to do that.

He had so many plans. He was so excited to teach her things and take her new places. It's not fair that he'll never get to do anything with her. I hate this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-28-2016, 08:58 PM
 
5,904 posts, read 2,035,087 times
Reputation: 4178
I cannot imagine your pain, sweetie. I am so sorry and my heart hurts for you. There are no words that can help at a time like this, especially when the pain is so fresh and raw. Please know that your C-D friends are here for you, thinking about you and your children. Be gentle with yourself while you are going through this. Grief is such a sneaky beast. You think you feel okay one moment, just to feel like the loss has happened over again the very next moment. Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" be doing or feeling. You may be experiencing many things --fear, sadness, despair, anger, guilt, any number of things. They are all valid feelings and all part of your process.

I wish you as much peace as possible. *Hugs*
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-28-2016, 09:23 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,232 posts, read 2,987,979 times
Reputation: 9628
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
KEEP writing until you are exhausted, your hand cramps, or have said what you wanted to say.

This is good advice. I sat in a chair for a year and a half after my wife died -- not literally but almost -- but I kept journals and wrote every single day. All my thoughts are in those journals -- I don't read them. Just the act of putting them down on paper, page after page, was a healing process. I'll probably never read them because I don't have to. If I hadn't kept the journals all of those feelings would still be bound up inside. The feelings pour out and it isn't there for anyone else to read so it doesn't matter how or what you say. I think I ended up with five or six smallish hardback journals. They are somewhere in the house now but I don't know where. I saw them when I moved a few years ago and they might still be in a box.


People sometimes recommend books to read and some people find it very helpful but the journal is your book.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-29-2016, 05:46 PM
 
791 posts, read 2,974,016 times
Reputation: 626
I am so sorry for your loss. I ran across this:



A 2012 study, found that anxiety can be greatly reduced by coloring. Specially designed, coloring pages for “grown-ups” are more intricate than children’s coloring books.

“After my husband died I was numb and couldn’t even think. I bought a coloring book and crayons. Focusing just on coloring in the picture, calmed me, my stress lifted, allowing me to think clearer and make the decisions that I needed to make.”


Color to Calmness
Widows, each with the shared trauma of losing a loved one, found that coloring together was soothing; allowing the conversation to move from hyper-emotional tears toward calm philosophical musings and shared memories. Pleasurable and relaxing the mood-lifting power of adult coloring provides a real sense of accomplishment/satisfaction by creating a beautiful piece of art that is not too challenging.

https://tulsage.wordpress.com/2015/0...-stress-relief
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-29-2016, 09:23 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762
Thanks again everyone for your advice and support. Today was a very stressful day. I found myself being really mad at my husband for leaving me in this situation. I'm ticked off that I'm left behind to do all of the work by myself. I know that he didn't want to leave us and I feel guilty for being mad but I can't help how I feel.

Anyway, I found a grief support group and even though I'm moving soon I'm going to go to a meeting next week. I was going to wait but I think I need the support now. I'm feeling worse each day and this pain is unbearable.

I don't know how anyone survives losing their true love. I love my husband. He loved me. We were real. No one in my life seems to really understand that. I'm not going to get through this. I'm going to live with this pain until I die.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-29-2016, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,945 posts, read 51,645,227 times
Reputation: 27961
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thanks again everyone for your advice and support. Today was a very stressful day. I found myself being really mad at my husband for leaving me in this situation. I'm ticked off that I'm left behind to do all of the work by myself. I know that he didn't want to leave us and I feel guilty for being mad but I can't help how I feel.

Anyway, I found a grief support group and even though I'm moving soon I'm going to go to a meeting next week. I was going to wait but I think I need the support now. I'm feeling worse each day and this pain is unbearable.

I don't know how anyone survives losing their true love. I love my husband. He loved me. We were real. No one in my life seems to really understand that. I'm not going to get through this. I'm going to live with this pain until I die.
You had a stressful day and have been having a stressful time. You are experiencing strong and unexpected emotions including anger. You are reaching out for support and the loss of your true love is wrenching and it hurts much worse than you were prepared for. You are amazed that people manage to get through it. Somehow, we do. Somehow, you can as well.

Again, as gently as I can, I stress to you the importance of the way words can reinforce either positive or negative. The way you use words and think can either help you or spiral you down. If you need to, scream, rant and rave, swear mightily, sob and feel the heartache. But PLEASE, "I'm not going to get through this." is not a fact, you cannot tell the future, and by stating it this way you are hurting yourself. "I don't know how I am going to get through this." is more accurate and it gives you at least enough room to take a breath while feeling the pain.

The pain CAN increase for a while. You are out of initial shock, your reserves are lower, and the awfulness is there. You DO need support now and you MUST get it wherever and however you can. Don't wait until next week. Call now, call a doctor, call a hospital, DO WHAT YOU NEED to get support.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-30-2016, 09:46 AM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,575,878 times
Reputation: 17235
Unhappy  

Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies
My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.
Ah sweetie I am so sorry....... I think we all know how you feel.... Losing a loved one IS A VERY HARD THING and its not easy AT ALL to get thru it!!!!!!

I will pray for you and please know that If I could,I would offer my love and kindness thru this hard time to you (Other than just words on your screen)

Peace and love to you
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-30-2016, 01:59 PM
 
3,989 posts, read 5,283,366 times
Reputation: 4589
Harry is right. You will get through this. The problem is that it is very, very difficult to see this right now. But every time you think "I can't do this" also say to yourself "others have gotten through this and somehow, so will I." There are many widows out there, people who love their husbands just as you do, and lost them, and many of them are now leading positive, productive lives. I know that you can't see the shape of that right now, but concentrate on having FAITH that you will get there eventually. It is a painful process, but you will make it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-30-2016, 06:39 PM
 
635 posts, read 399,537 times
Reputation: 1762
I understand what your saying harry and grasshopper and by getting “through it" I guess I mean more like getting over it. Maybe I'll learn to live with the pain and some day I can find some sort of happiness through my family or something else but today all I feel is pain. It's only been a little over a month so I'm not at the point where I'm ready to feel better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top