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Today I feel like I want to die (I'm not going to actually kill myself so please don't give me the number to a crisis hotline.) I just want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes and never wake up. I feel this ache of despair in my heart and I have this overwhelming hopeless feeling in my whole body. Grief isn't just mental, my body aches for him. Every cell in my body is screaming for him.
It feels like my skin has been ripped off and my muscles and bones are exposed. It's like I'm a walking wound, bloody and painful (sorry for the gross imagery.)
I don't know why some moments are worse than others. I feel slightly okay for a few hours then it hits me all over again. He's really gone forever. I'll never see his smile or hear him laugh. He'll never hug me again, he's really never coming home and my life with him is over. I'll never be loved by him again.
Thanks for letting me vent. I can't say these things to anyone in real life. I don't want to scare people. They need to think I'm okay so they can feel better.
Oh, sweet precious thing! I am so very sorry that you are going through this awful pain. I wish you were my friend in real life. I would hug you and let you cry on my shoulder. I would watch your daughter for a while so that you could have some time alone.
As it is, I will continue to read your posts and listen to what you have to say and send virtual love.
Aw, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We are here for you, and as Grasshopper said, we really care about you. Grief is such a long, slow, painful process. It's awful when you have those moments of knowing that you won't see your beloved again. I hope that your baby girl will bring some light into your life this evening. Thinking about you. *Hugs*
Thank you everyone for your support. This site has been a lifeline for me through this horrible time. Just knowing that I have a place to go to say whatever I'm feeling at the moment means a lot to me. I know I write some crazy stuff sometimes and I appreciate everyone sticking with me even though we're complete strangers. I'm so grateful for your kindness and your words do give me a little bit of hope even though it might not seem like it.
Thank you everyone for your support. This site has been a lifeline for me through this horrible time. Just knowing that I have a place to go to say whatever I'm feeling at the moment means a lot to me. I know I write some crazy stuff sometimes and I appreciate everyone sticking with me even though we're complete strangers. I'm so grateful for your kindness and your words do give me a little bit of hope even though it might not seem like it.
We all are not "strangers" at this point. Online community IS community, and this one shares more than many. You are NOT writing "crazy stuff" - at least what I have seen here. Your remarks are truthful, your emotions palpable, and your poetry is not only cogent, but quite good. Your caring for your daughter is wonderful, and your reaching for help shows that you care about the two of you. Our being able to help you in some little way also helps us, so a thank-you back to you is appropriate.
No, this is not crazy. There were many times when I honestly thought I was loosing my mind, like it was too much for me to bear and still stay sane. My sister got all upset at one point that I was suicidal, but she didn't understand that feeling that you "want to die" is different from being suicidal. It is more that you can't see the light, can't see the possibility of living, and you want relief from the pain. But those really low times do give way to times that are less low, and somehow we made it through. You will, too. There is still love in the world; this and the strength that is still within you will pull you through.
Grasshopper- That's exactly how I feel, I don't want to die, I just want this horrible pain to stop. I would never commit suicide though. I don't want my daughters to experience the kind of pain that I'm going through. I would never do that to them. My girls have lost so much already.
I just want to feel normal again but I know I never really will. I guess my new normal will always be tainted with grief. I know my husband wouldn't want me to give up hope because he loved us and wanted us to be happy. He would tell me that it's going to be okay. I'm trying for him and for our daughter but it still hurts so much.
A good thing about a lengthy death, as my husband had, is that there is a lot of time to talk about things. So my husband and I talked about my life after his death. I have to say that neither of us had any idea that grieving would be so intense or so long. But the good thing is that he told me directly about his wish for me to have a full, happy life, and we talked about what that meant to him. I am not there yet, but I am beginning to see that more things are possible than I would have thought. And Cookies, I no longer think of my grief "tainting" my life. It seems now that his life and all we shared is a part of me that I still love, and that often brings a smile, as well as a tear.
You didn't have that time to talk with your husband about this, and that may add to your pain. But after reading about your relationship, I'm sure he would have wanted you to go on to live well again. Maybe it would help to put down in writing the things you think he would have wanted for you. That list may change over time, but it may help you to feel his love and his hopes for you.
The last time my husband "visited" me - a few months ago in a dream - the dream had basically no plot. But in it, he leaned in close to my face and said "I love you. I'm with you." I believe that to be true. And I believe that your husband feels the same.
I'm going to make that list Grasshopper, I know he would want me to find some kind of happiness eventually. Right now I just feel so scared and anxious. I was feeling like this all of the time the first 4 or 5 weeks and my anxiety was getting a little better until the last few days. Last night I felt terrified being in my house alone and I feel really scared right now.
I was dreading this evening and I tried to distract myself with a movie but it didn't help. I called a few friends but no one answered. I even tried to get my daughter to come over but she had to work tonight. I just don't want to be alone and wish I had someone to sit and talk to or watch tv with. Talking here helps a little but sometimes I really need a friend to just be with me. My mom is on vacation so I don't even have her around.
I miss him so much. I miss feeling safe. I miss the comfort of my best friend. I miss someone caring about me. I miss someone waiting for me to get home. I miss being someone's everything. It's so depressing coming home to an empty house. No one cares if I ate or how I slept. No one cares if I have a headache or that my back hurts. The one person that really cared is gone.
MLC, tv is a passive distraction. You would do well to find some things that are more active distractions requiring thought. Us reprobate guys take solace in online gaming or even (gasp) posting on places like City-Data.
This game requires you keep active or the next attack will wipe you out. Viking Defense - A free Tower Defense Game It can be good to get you past a low point of a few minutes.
There are other forums on City-Data where you may be able to read some posts and help other people with problems.
Now, those were some positive ways I could quickly think of that might help. You will also remember that I have cautioned you about speaking and writing ACCURATELY and not inflating because those inflations can get to feel more true than the reality. "No one cares if I ate or how I slept. No one cares if I have a headache or that my back hurts." If I was there beside you, I would reflect those statements back at you. I would ask if your daughter cares how you present to her. I would ask you if those close to you would be distressed if you fell ill. I would ask you if your own worth as a person is dependent upon someone outside of yourself acting like a mommy or daddy to you.
I said that part of this process is a maturation. Maturation can be rough. You have to internalize what you depended upon from others. YOU must care about your eating and sleeping. YOU must care about your back or physical issues. That is part of being a fully functional independent and strong adult, which is where you must set your sights.
I could tell you that we care about the things you mention, but... you will find that over time we, or anyone else, only cares if you yourself also care.
You have a feeling of being scared. Your immediate support sources weren't available, which may have caused a bit of a feeling of being abandoned. Do you play peek-a-boo with your daughter? The purpose of that developmentally is to show a child that a loved one is still there, even if the child can't immediately see him or her. Your support is playing peek-a-boo with you. You can relax in knowing that it is still there, just not immediately.
"I even tried to get my daughter to come over but she had to work tonight." I assume you mean your sister? If your daughter is already working, this has been going on entirely too long.
For the first 3 weeks after my husband died, I was obsessed with making the power point presentation that was shown at his funeral - pictures of our lives together, the music he loved, etc. Later, as suggested by Harry, I actually did do quite a bit of writing on City-Data - not on the grief forum, but on others. And for some reason I latched onto Agatha Christie's Poirot on Netflix. I watched all of them, from the first to the 65th. He became a stabilizing force in my days, something I could count on to take me away. It took a few months to get through them all, and I was concerned when I reached the end, but I think they served a purpose. I couldn't watch much else on TV, as I just didn't care. But Poirot was my friend. I also wrote a lot on my feelings - journaling, I guess.
I remember coming home from some errand and feeling that there was no one there who cared that I even got home. But that faded away. I guess after so many years of living with someone, it was a new feeling to be so alone and independent, and I had to get used to it. But I did.
I think that my husband was my reality check. I have a tendency to exaggerate things, to sink into despair, to feel life is all or nothing. He always had a calming thing to say, a joke to make, a comment on how I had gotten through that situation before. He put me back on an even keel because he always believed in me. But I really was unaware of this until my son, in exasperation, complained about how I could get so completely defeated and negative. It was then that I realized that the person who helped me keep things in perspective for practically my whole life was gone, and that I would have to do this by myself. Strangely, once I realized the problem, it sort of stopped. I started trying to look at the positives in my life as well as the negatives, having faith and waiting. I became my own reality checker. I think this was when I actually started to see that I could have a life and started to see that I still had assets - people I could count on, activities I still enjoyed, beauty that was still in the world. That doesn't mean I stopped grieving, but I began to realize that there were still reasons to live. Now if I feel I am not keeping things in perspective, I call one of my sisters or a friend. That is part of working through our grief - realizing that we are no longer a team, but instead have find solutions on our own. It is daunting, but in the long run, it can also be empowering.
I am sorry you have been feeling so low and so anxious. But I hope you will feel that there are people who really do care, and that there are still good things in the world.
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