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Old 06-16-2016, 07:49 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,397 times
Reputation: 1762

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I've been a regular member here for some time. I used to come here to talk about trivial stuff like television shows and fashion and never expected to post here on Grief and Mourning but here I am.

My husband, my love, my everything, died just three weeks ago. I am only 39. We were together 13 years and have a beautiful two year old daughter. It was an accident so it was unexpected and I am still in shock. I'm devastated, overwhelmed, heart broken, exhausted, terrified and a million other things.

I don't have a specific question and I don't know what I'm looking for, I guess maybe just someone who knows what I'm feeling. My friends have lost a parent or maybe a sibling but no one has lost a spouse.

Today I don't feel like this pain will ever go away. I just miss him so much. I don't want to move past the pain but I have a small child and I can't cry all day. I have to get up and hold it together for her but the nights are bad. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread and sobbed because my heart hurts so much and that's when I decided to come here and write this. Thanks for reading this.
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Old 06-16-2016, 08:06 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,213 posts, read 17,781,411 times
Reputation: 22712
okay first off I do know where you are coming from I was 32 when my first husband died and I had five kids, they were all very young my oldest was 11 then . First off you have to take care of yourself and your daughter , did he have life insurance ? if so you need to contact that life insurance company and they will guide you in what to do next , if he did not have life insurance then you my dear are in a pickle and you will have to get a job if you don't have one . You are going to have to support yourself and that little girl . If you cannot afford to pay your house off , get rid of it , it is just a house . Find a smaller house you can afford to make payments on . You cannot wallow in grief bills will not wait and neither will bill collectors . You also have to eat and so does your lil girl . Are you a member of a church ? I was and the folks there were a tremendous help . They actually knew some people that gave me a job and I was making good money and I thanked God for that because we were looking at eviction because we were renting .Do you have family close by ? they might be of some help I had no family most of my in laws were too old and some were already passed by then and my parents had been gone some time before my becoming a widow . all I can say it does get better . I was by myself for ten years before I met someone else and re married . It gets better . I'm living proof of that . Oh yes don't forget to pray , prayer does help .God bless you and if I can be of any more help please let me know .
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Old 06-16-2016, 09:29 AM
 
1,993 posts, read 2,318,686 times
Reputation: 2015
Maybe a grief support group would be helpful. I would check with your church, local hospital or hospice care organization to start. So sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2016, 09:43 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,397 times
Reputation: 1762
Thankfully, he had life insurance, not enough to live off of forever but enough where I can live modestly for a little while and not have to stress about money. I'm not working now but I plan on going back to work eventually. I have a college degree and before my daughter was born I was working and making somewhat decent money. We were renting our home and I'm in the process of trying to moving now. I just can't stay in this house anymore, it's making me crazy.

I don't have a lot family and my parents are too old to be much help with the baby. My sister unfortunately lives in another state. I am thinking about moving to be with her. My in-laws have been some help but I have mostly been on my own these last three weeks. I do have a sister in law that has kept the baby for me a few times so that help a bit. I know she would like to help more but she has her own children to care for and works so she can only do so much.

I don't eat much anymore but I still feed my daughter theee meals a days plus snacks. Of course I don't cook the way I used too and she's been eating a lot of sandwiches and take out (there's a diner down the street from my house) but I'm doing my best and someday soon I'll go back to making nice dinners.

I'm not a member of any church but I am lucky to have a few close friends that check in with me and we talk each night. The nights are the worse so just having someone to talk to on the phone helps.

Thank you for responding. It helps knowing I'm not alone.
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Old 06-16-2016, 10:01 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,880 posts, read 4,414,346 times
Reputation: 4181
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Thankfully, he had life insurance, not enough to live off of forever but enough where I can live modestly for a little while and not have to stress about money. I'm not working now but I plan on going back to work eventually. I have a college degree and before my daughter was born I was working and making somewhat decent money. We were renting our home and I'm in the process of trying to moving now. I just can't stay in this house anymore, it's making me crazy.
I was widowed at the age of 37, and had two little boys. At the time, I was a SAHM. Have you checked into Social Security survivor benefits? It made the difference for me...fortunately, I was able to continue to stay at home with them, instead of hurriedly looking for a job and putting them into daycare. Benefits could be available for both you AND your daughter.

https://www.ssa.gov/survivors/

Something else to keep in mind, do NOT make any major changes in the first year unless you absolutely must (financial, relationship-wise, etc.). With a sudden loss such as this, we're not always thinking straight. We're overwhelmed with our situation, and other people (with no experience in loss) are giving us lots of "advice".

Good luck to you. I know it feels like that the end of the world, but you WILL survive. Just take it day by day, minute by minute.
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Old 06-16-2016, 11:01 AM
 
635 posts, read 399,397 times
Reputation: 1762
I already applied for Social Security and will be receiving benefits in a few weeks. Thankfully it's a decent amount and a long with the life insurance it will give me enough money to live off of for a little while if I stick to a strict budget.

The first two weeks I was definitely not thinkIng straight and was walking around in a fog. I still am in some sense but I feel like I am thinking more clear now. My father has been helping me with a lot of the necessary paperwork such as insurance and Social Security.

The hardest part right now is that I feel like I don't even have time to grieve because I have to take care of a demanding two year old. I miss my husband and want to cry all day but that's not an option. I would go to a support group but I don't have anyone to watch my daughter while I'm there.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been getting tons of advice from people that mean well but none of have any idea what I'm going through.
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Old 06-16-2016, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,943 posts, read 51,634,588 times
Reputation: 27956
So sorry for your loss. Knowing that someone will soon pass is bad enough, a sudden loss can be gut wrenching.

Write him letters or keep a journal. Putting your thoughts in writing - not on a computer, but longhand - does wonders for integrating what you feel, what has happened, and what you want to do. It is similar to him being at a distance and your writing out letters to him. There is something that goes on in brain function when you write that is different than ruminating or talking with someone else, and it can be very healing. Let the grief process take as long as it needs.
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Old 06-16-2016, 12:21 PM
 
689 posts, read 626,728 times
Reputation: 566
I lost my brother last fall and while I know that its not the same as losing your husband it was also a shock and I was closer to him than anyone else in my life. He was 12 years older than me and always took care of me growing up. So many of my early memories and best memories involve him. I am getting choked up now just as I type this. Your daughter needs you now more than ever and she needs you to be present and strong. You should join your local YMCA and utilize their services; like just a few hours per week of daycare so you can take a yoga class or something. It helps to get out and be with others it will brighten up your day.
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Old 06-16-2016, 12:42 PM
 
2,547 posts, read 1,314,922 times
Reputation: 6771
Gosh, I have nothing to say that will help except that I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. One thing I've heard people say when they have a loss is that you can't expect a certain timeline for grief...for some people it just takes longer to feel like a "new normal." I hope you start to find some peace soon. All the best to you and your little daughter.
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Old 06-16-2016, 01:32 PM
 
917 posts, read 1,710,926 times
Reputation: 700
I have no advice but I'm very sorry for your loss. ((HUGS)) Maybe you can consider grief counseling.
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