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Old 06-18-2016, 07:42 PM
 
10 posts, read 6,188 times
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My mom has been gone a year. She was young (60), I was a young caregiver (20s) and the way she went was absolutely terrible until hospice stepped in. This was a terrible and traumatic year for me health and career wise.
My estranged father wants to have a relationship with me. He has sent me emails and called me, I blocked his number and email but my younger brother has not. He does not regularly speak with him, but he has on occasion. My parents were divorced and my dad was abusive to my mom and us. We lived in a hoarded home. He showed up at her services crying and wailing the loudest.
Is it wrong of me to not be ready to unblock him? I don't think my hubby understands but he is supportive of whatever I want. I do not want to feel obligated to be a caregiver to my father. My stepbrother can do that. Thanks
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Old 06-18-2016, 08:30 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Only you can make this decision, but remember that you do not have to let people into your life who are toxic to you. And if you do let him in, you may want to control the degree of contact very carefully. My husband (now deceased) had a sort of similar relationship to his dad. When his dad wanted to re-enter his life, my husband went to counseling for a while for help with sorting his feelings and establishing boundaries. It was such a smart move. For the remaining 20 years of his dad's life, my husband seemed to know just what he wanted and just how far he would let his dad go. He was very much at ease with his dad, even as he enforced those boundaries. And he knew exactly how to prevent his dad's abuses from harming his own family. As his wife, I was so appreciative of this, and I think it really improved my husband's life over what it would have been if he hadn't taken the time to get that all in perspective.
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Old 06-20-2016, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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You are not obligated.

If you decide YOU want to have contact - note that I said "have contact" rather than be supportive - do so by email with at least a one or two day delay between reading one of your father's emails and responding. It will give you time to process and ground yourself and eliminate a lot of the types of abuse and control that depend upon rapid-fire gut responses. Expect to have negative reactions and a desire to fire off a response or to respond quickly. DO NOT. Allow your brain time to have the immediate reaction and then come to a more reasoned response that disengages from any "hooks" that might be set. Also, allow you hubby to read and suggest edits if he wants. An outside editor can see things a writer cannot.

Again, you are NOT obligated. Don't go into anything like this with a feeling of obligation, as it will sink you as surely as a lead anchor. You would be writing adult to adult with a past in common. Do not expect more.
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Old 06-30-2016, 08:50 AM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,457,966 times
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No I want to add YOU ARE NOT @ ALL OBLIGATED TO DO SO!!!!!

He hasnt been a good father and all of a sudden wants to make it up??


Hold strong my friend!! -- Dont let him in!
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Old 06-30-2016, 10:24 AM
 
4,836 posts, read 2,142,556 times
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I'm sure your grief is still a daily challenge...and for that, you have my sympathy.

thru grief some adjustments are made.

Those whom I held such atrocious anger towards, I forgave. What good did that anger do? Nothing.

In grief we find our true selves and compassion even for those that we know have done us harm.

If you wish to hold on to your anger without gaining any resolution, then certainly remain safeguarded.

I think though that even those whom effected our lives negatively tried to offer a new beginning, I would at least hear them out. Its your adult choice.
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Old 07-05-2016, 10:13 PM
 
627 posts, read 780,023 times
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You say he was abusive but give no details. Your parents divorced and he left the home. Did he continue his abuse from afar?

I think you left the cat out of the bag when you said you don't want to be his caretaker.
Somewhere I have heard, "Honor thy father and mother that their days may be long upon the earth."
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Old 07-10-2016, 09:45 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveMyCello View Post
My mom has been gone a year. She was young (60), I was a young caregiver (20s) and the way she went was absolutely terrible until hospice stepped in. This was a terrible and traumatic year for me health and career wise.
My estranged father wants to have a relationship with me. He has sent me emails and called me, I blocked his number and email but my younger brother has not. He does not regularly speak with him, but he has on occasion. My parents were divorced and my dad was abusive to my mom and us. We lived in a hoarded home. He showed up at her services crying and wailing the loudest.
Is it wrong of me to not be ready to unblock him? I don't think my hubby understands but he is supportive of whatever I want. I do not want to feel obligated to be a caregiver to my father. My stepbrother can do that. Thanks
First off sorry for the loss of your mother, and what a wonderful daughter you are for taking on the role of caregiver in your 20s. I did caregiving for both my parents but I am in my 50s. It's tough as you know, and for you to do that at such a young age shows you're quite the person.

No, you're not wrong. Where was he when your mother was ill? The guilty cry the loudest at funerals.

Your "father"(he really wasn't much of father) may very well be trying to connect with you, because you took such good care of your mom, and may be worried down the road who will take care of him.....not you.
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Old 07-19-2016, 06:38 PM
 
5,811 posts, read 3,298,927 times
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So sorry about the loss of your mother. I agree you are a wonderful daughter to have cared for her through her illness.

As far as reuniting with your father, I suggest taking your time with that decision. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your mother without this distraction from your father. G Grasshopper had a good suggestion about getting counseling and you may consider doing this before making any decisions re your father. Counseling may help you decide WHETHER to reconcile with your father, and if you decide to do it, it may help you do it in a way that would not be harmful to you.
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Old 07-21-2016, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,133 posts, read 673,764 times
Reputation: 2638
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluskyz View Post
You say he was abusive but give no details. Your parents divorced and he left the home. Did he continue his abuse from afar?

I think you left the cat out of the bag when you said you don't want to be his caretaker.
Somewhere I have heard, "Honor thy father and mother that their days may be long upon the earth."
Not when they have been abusive and neglectful.

Last edited by xPlorer48; 07-21-2016 at 12:45 PM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 07-22-2016, 12:56 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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You are young. You have been through the trauma of your mother's illness and death, and have survived, but not without some scars. Take care of yourself now. Regain your health, get your career back on track, and figure out how you want to handle your dad. This is why I suggested counseling - to help you to put your own life back into a state of health and plan how to keep it that way. Care giving can really take it out of you. Don't let your father derail you further. I would urge you to heal yourself before considering taking on any responsibility for him - and then only after you have determined the most positive way to do that.
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