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Old 10-18-2016, 09:24 AM
Location: Columbia SC
7,969 posts, read 6,720,934 times
Reputation: 10712


Originally Posted by sueprnova View Post
My husband died in 2012...About 1.5 yrs into this journey I realized I was feeling so awful was because I was still doing the things WE used to do. Since there is no longer a WE, I decided to start doing things I wanted to do or try. I have had some awesome experiences! I race, I work out daily, I paddleboard, I hike...I love being outdoors and being active!
I have no desire to get involved with anyone. I enjoy my own company.
I do also have to say that Soaring Spirits International and Camp Widow saved my life.
I, now, live in a different state, I travel now and then, I spend a lot of time with ladies I have made friends with through a women on adventures group...I am a widow and always will be. I will not allow it to define me.
I hope everyone steps out into the unknown and tries something new!
Good for you. To many just wallow in their sorrow.
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Old 10-20-2016, 11:04 AM
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,335,478 times
Reputation: 27730
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
JohnGolf: I may be misinterpreting your post, but it doesn't sound like you are having to rebuild your life at all. It sounds as though your routine has changed little since the death of your wife. My original post is about trying to rebuild who you are and what you want, since the death of a much beloved spouse has dislocated your identity and shaken your world to the point of confusion and being "lost." This does not seem to be the case with you. You seem to have not missed a beat with your golf game. When my husband died, I also had almost 4 years of warning. But his loss shook me to the core and it was deeply shocking to me. I have always said that you can prepare financially and logistically, but you can't prepare emotionally. I guess you are an exception to that idea.

I know everyone is different, but I have to say that your post was the kind that gives pause to widows like me. You seem to buy into the idea that your wife can be "replaced" and that you are not interested in emotional connection or having a partner, but mostly in answering your "physical" needs. I'm sure you will be able to find that.
I just got around to reading this thread, and I think a response to that last paragraph is in order. It is tricky to phrase that response so that the underlying concepts come across, so please bear with me, as I may muck it up.

If I was to walk up to a mother with more than one child, and ask "Which one do you love the most?" I would half-expect to be slapped. The love that a mother has for one child does not diminish the love she has for another. It is understood that motherhood, in ideal form, has enough love and caring to go around.

The capacity for love and the capacity for compassion are not finite resources to be guarded. Instead, when they get used it opens up a font where more becomes available. (The same goes for hate and fear, but in a negative way.)

Culturally, and biologically, the concept of a single "life mate" provides stability, comfort, and a sense of place and meaning. When that life mate becomes a soul mate, those effects increase tenfold. The loss of a soul mate is wrenching in a way that is like no other.

That loss does not mean that the abilities of the surviving partner to love or have compassion are shut off. If anything, that love which cannot find its usual means of expression becomes a major part of the grief, in that the very act of loving or being in love is thwarted. You'll know what I am saying when I remind you of those moments: "I wish you could be here." "I wish you could see this." and so on. That isn't grief speaking as much as it is deep love than can't find its target and is frustrated.

The only things you can do for a dead mate or soul mate are honoring and continuing love them, but in a way that also holds love and compassion for yourself. That love need not be diminished by looking for other outlets for the love that now can no longer be expressed.

The way you are using the word "replace" reflects a feeling of a limited capacity of love. Honoring your own needs is not disrespectful of the deceased. In the case of true soul mates, the well-being and happiness of the other is paramount.

People have physical needs as well as emotional needs. Seeking ways to get those needs met is again, not disrespect, but simply a part of life and the living of it.

There can be a fear of losing the close connection with a soul mate when another person comes on the scene, but that is more a fear than reality. Ask a mother who has lost a child if that close connection is lost when another child comes along.

The adjustment that has to happen when a mate dies can take time. The internalization and integration of the mate and relationship into the survivor as a single person can be rough, but that is where the relationship lives at that point. Seeking another mate is not "replacing" in the sense you use.
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Old 10-20-2016, 02:57 PM
Location: Columbia SC
7,969 posts, read 6,720,934 times
Reputation: 10712

Thanks for your reply. I have followed this chat but I never responded as I believe some on here like wallowing in their sorrow and others are afraid to admit there might be a new life out there so I stopped posting.

I have no need to justify my choices especially to those that like playing the martyr.
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