U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-21-2016, 10:16 AM
 
4,112 posts, read 3,447,161 times
Reputation: 8187

Advertisements

I am sorry for your loss. As a wife you can help your husband by being someone he can lean on.

Otherwise try to help by organizing what has to be done & keeping track of papers. Get a big accordion file from office supply to keep all paperwork in. You never know what will be important later.

You have good advice to work with.

His father may have had an attorney. If his father was divorced, it was/is common to prepare a new will following such. Some people have an all purpose attorney, so the divorce attorney may have his will on file.

Or he may have a safety deposit box at his bank with his will or other important papers, including military discharge papers, vehicle titles, land deeds...

His banking records might show payments for insurance premiums or other clues to material possessions...property tax payments, etc.

If it is determined your husband is the administrator of estate, he will need a CPA to file estate tax return and for tax advice. This should be arranged for before leaving Wisconsin because long distance hassle can be more expensive. Your attorney can advise.

"His stuff" may be tricky to retrieve if not named in a will. Vehicles and recreational vehicles have titles (or you can get replacement titles) so that shouldn't be an issue, as long as you know about them. Real estate can be found by title searching...an attoney can advise.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-21-2016, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
Reputation: 16486
Never heard of a hospital picking a funeral home. Every case I knew about the body went to the morgue until the family picked the funeral home. They were usually present so the body never made it to the morgue.

The attorney should handle the estate tax. That's who did it when I was in that situation. They should also contact the IRS so you get your number, can sign checks (e/o/e) and do just about everything else.

You may want to contact the financial places and see if they need original death certificate. I got a dozen. Every time I took one to a bank they made a copy and gave the original back to me. I still have the originals. Every place is different for that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Vermont
10,089 posts, read 10,606,893 times
Reputation: 13438
Also, find out if there is a direct cremation place in the vicinity. If you can do that you can probably save thousands on the services of an undertaker.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 202,141 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
No problem - we went through this recently with both my husband's parents (in just four months). So it's all fresh on my mind. It's tough.

Ask the attorney or the funeral home, or call the local VA chapter about the military service. Lots of people can't locate military papers but BELIEVE ME, the military has a record of his service and terms of discharge.

As for his scattered possessions, does he have any documentation at his home regarding these items? Even if you can't find it, I think I would say something like, "Wow, I'm so grateful he kept such good records about his personal effects and purchases," to the relatives. Those items belong to your husband if he didn't give them as gifts to others. If they are items of value, he needs to get those.

However, it doesn't sound like he was all that close to his dad. At times like this, you can certainly be magnanimous with family members and friends. If you think he would want someone to have something, give it to them. What does it hurt? That's one less thing to haul back to Alaska. And it's all just things.

It does sound like you may need to rent a UHaul and make a drive. Wow, what a hassle. When my parents pass away, we will have to do that as well. I'm not really looking forward to it.

Keep us posted on your progress.
Thank you for the advice on the VA. Yes we will probably end up renting a Uhaul. It is a 57 hour drive which kind of sucks and in a UHaul it sucks even more so we are trying to be selective on what we bring back. It truly is a hassle.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 202,141 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

It would be great if you could help you husband keep a list of the things that need to be taken care of. It is a lot. But for now, focus on the great suggestions Kathyrn gave you.

Remember that ultimately, funerals/services are for the living. Don't make yourself crazy thinking about / wondering about what your FIL would have wanted. He probably hadn't even thought very much about it! What is more important is what your son and his family want (and can manage...) now.

Things are a bit complicated if he has a girlfriend, and was possibly ?living with her (you said his stuff was with her). Please try to be respectful of her loss and needs too, as this may be a terrible time for her. We don't know how serious their relationship was, but perhaps you do. And since he may not have left a will...

Get a lot of Death Certificates. I favor 15-20.

I would also contact the VA to ask about any benefits he qualifies for towards his burial. There may be monies they will contribute, possibly a medalion that can be placed on his headstone etc...

He may have a life insurance benefit through his employer.

Eventually, there will be many financial things to take care of, and the lawyer should help ask about that. Auto-bills/monthly bills to stop and/or pay. Credit cards to cancel. Insurance to cancel. Cable/cell-phone/other utilities to cancel. But obviously, keep utilities/rent being paid as appropriate. Figure out if house/car payments are needed and/or if they are paid off, how to change titles down the road. These things are not urgent to do now, but should be kept in mind because you live so far away.

It is a hard time. Sometimes having a list, keeping busy etc.. actually helps you get through it.
We sorted through pictures last night to make a slideshow for the funeral and we are making his fathers favorite spaghetti for the meal. I think he would have wanted that.
He had a girlfriend he had been with for a long time I know I felt so bad that she wasn't the first one contacted and it was her car he died in (how terrible). Oh my gosh I never thought about a medallion, and benefits. I have been keeping extremely busy lots of cooking (:
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 02:20 PM
 
2,084 posts, read 793,432 times
Reputation: 4055
Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I don't understand why people die young, it's not fair. We got the news today that my husbands dad died, he was found in his car at work unresponsive. Although we live in Alaska now he was super close to his dad we have to go back to Wisconsin. My heart is so sad. I don't know what to do, this is the first person in my adult life, that I've been close to that's died. I have no idea what to do.
You don't need to guess what to do. There are pros that handle most of the procedures for you and help with forms and son on.

Sorry for the loss of your father in law.

Everything you need to know
(click here).
You do not have do as many things as others are posting here. There are pros that do it all.
Contact funeral home. They are experts on procedure and memorials. But You need to contact a lawyer right a away.

Your FIL died "intestate" (no will).The lawyer will manage locating assets, legal documents your FIL signed, life insurance policies etc., and distribution of assets.
They will also guide you about what to do with his remains ie funeral home, autopsy, cremation, and so on. Believe me it is worth paying a lawyer. There is way more to do than you can imagine at this point. In many cases, FILs savings / insurance / possessions will cover the cost of pro help and all of this is going to be coordinated by the lawyer.

Good luck with everything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,904 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57027
Oh, be sure when you contact the former employer that you ask about any 401K or retirement savings.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 04:27 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,961 posts, read 12,375,199 times
Reputation: 29145
In KathrynAragon's good suggestions I can think of one thing I'd do different. You're going to be spending quite a bit on the round trip to your dad's, flowers, etc, so, instead of getting a hotel room, why not stay at his place? That will give you some extra time to look around for any papers he stuck in some desk or dresser drawer that could come in handy at this time.
Also, you're all in our prayers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 04:46 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,041 posts, read 8,195,061 times
Reputation: 9244
Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I don't understand why people die young, it's not fair. We got the news today that my husbands dad died, he was found in his car at work unresponsive. Although we live in Alaska now he was super close to his dad we have to go back to Wisconsin. My heart is so sad. I don't know what to do, this is the first person in my adult life, that I've been close to that's died. I have no idea what to do.
Be here for your husband. That's all you have to do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2016, 04:50 PM
 
4,840 posts, read 2,145,909 times
Reputation: 12314
Most here seem to be discussing the financials. Those things can be dealt with one step at a time. the early days of grief/shock really need to be the priority. The respectful funeral, the contacting of relatives and the inventory list.


Sincerely sorry about this sudden loss... Your husband will need your comfort...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top