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Old 08-02-2016, 06:45 PM
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Avalon, it's such a long journey... Years later. As the surviving daughter... I know that of which you speak.

Op- on religion/faith. I can say... I thanked the God of my understanding for welcoming my mom to her true home. I was not angry with This entity.
On the journey thru grief... It tears your core... absolutely every thing you valued is corroded. You lay in wait for the next wave of grief. Took a solid year til I came out of the intensity.. Of guilt... Deep sorrow ... Or even wishing to live again. The loving part has not been the same... Life is both more precious and strangely not. Maybe mortality has been surrendered...
Do know but a little and that is, so much of the daily existence is no longer a battle with others... It's an acceptance of living kindly and with compassion. Priorities change.

To those who have what I call, crossed that wall of grief, we silently know one another's sorrow and share our memories with a nod and gift of compassion. peace be with you..
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Old 08-18-2016, 09:40 PM
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You don't handle death you just deal with it. The worst part about a death is the realization that there's nothing you can do about it and it's per our thought of time forever. You have
to just understand that the person who died would want those left behind to move forward.
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Old 08-18-2016, 11:17 PM
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Here's a poem I discovered decades ago before my life had experienced so many losses. The thoughts expressed in it have helped me learn to cope with grief.

Words I Treasure: Comes the Dawn

Everything that I love and is precious to me is transient and the recognition and acceptance of that helps me to remember to appreciate those good things in my life everyday.

Tomorrow they may be gone. That is cause for gratitude today. Gratitude is a wonderful antidote to becoming habituated to carrying a heavy load of grief.
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
I'm doing something that probably most people would consider weird. My Mom died four years ago (elderly but unexpected) and I still feel as if I've lost my best friend. I got rid of most of her clothes almost immediately as it made me too sad to look at them. Now I'm going through all the stuff she has saved over the years (old magazines, newspaper headlines, cards people had sent her, MY old report cards, etc. etc. etc.). Much as it pains me, I'm getting rid of most of it. Why? Because when I die, I don't want someone else going through it and tossing it. No family that would want it. And it makes me too sad to keep seeing it. I hope Mom would understand.
I did the something similar, of course the particular circumstances were different. But I went through what was left in the way of photos, albums, documents and I have given those I felt were appropriate to one young relative, some things I destroyed immediately and now being in ill health (and with no blood heirs) I will destroy the rest.
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Old 08-19-2016, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
You don't handle death you just deal with it. The worst part about a death is the realization that there's nothing you can do about it and it's per our thought of time forever.
Everything is impermanent, that does not removed emotional pain but it should make acceptance on a rational level easier. There is no way to make thing last into our wished-for forever.

"Death has come along with birth. Life does not halt for a moment, it is always going forward, like the sun rusing to its setting as soon as it has risen."

You have to just understand that the person who died would want those left behind to move forward.
Maybe, maybe not. Unless the person has discussed what they might want you to do or feel in regard to their death, you can only judge by what they themselves did.

I never knew my father to show the slightest emotion about the death of his mother or siblings, nor did he ever talk about them sentimentally. They figured in recollections and stories, but never with an touch of missing them at all. When he was dying - for month - he never discussed his death with me or my mother in anything other than a few very practical matters; and that was it and he retreated into glacial silence.

My mother enjoyed drama, reveled in being the center of attention - whether it was good or bad. I have not the slightest doubt that she wished that people feel miserable about her death for a long time. She still made quite a show about her mother twenty and thirty years after her death, less about her father; but she was very snotty and critical about other people who displayed grief even six months after a death, much less years.

I don't think imagining "...what Mom would want us to do," is anything other than an extension of our own thoughts about what the living themselves think they should do.

Having felt grief in various ways for different people in my life who have died, I empathize or imagine the grief another person may feel like to them. But I do not know that grief for a certainty, nor does their grief occur in a life like mine it occurs in a life I have not lived...so it may get played out in ways that are far removed from what I have experienced. Longstanding deep grief that seems to have become a way of life I do not understand, and I leave it alone. I will not disrespect it, but I will not get involved with it either.

Last edited by kevxu; 08-19-2016 at 03:13 AM..
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Old 08-20-2016, 12:41 PM
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I think many people are offended by the fact that I usually keep things together quite well on the surface. I'm the one everyone asks to give a eulogy for, because I usually am pretty funny and poignant at the same time. I tend to be smiling and upbeat, the one who runs the errands and ties up the loose ends.

But honestly? Whenever I lose someone important to me, I basically go off the deep end. I just don't show it. I fall into a depression that lasts for quite some time; my anxiety is through the roof; I'm distracted.

I found out my recently that my favorite uncle has a cancerous mass and his odds are fairly poor. He is in his 80s and lives in my hometown, around the corner from his best friend, my father. I adore my uncle - he has been my moral compass all my life. And he is very dear to my father, who is quite healthy, but also in his 80s. They've lost their other close friends from their generation and my uncle lost his wife just last year. I'm distraught about my uncle and terrified for my father, who may not deal with the outcome well. Since getting the news, I've fallen into a bit of a depression and my anxiety levels are insanely high. I'm screwing up at work, making panicked decisions in general and feeling like I want to run away from my life all together. It's nuts.

Eventually, I will even out. I need to sort out the bits I can control from what is out of my power or just none of my business. But I have pretty bad ADD, and right now - and for the past few weeks - my brain is a jumble. Inside I'm basically a hysterical mess curled up in the fetal position, but to anyone else I appear just as I always do, though my roommate thinks I seem muted.

Life goes on, but I'm just so damn sad and jangled right now. I'm generally a very happy person and very at peace with the world I've built for myself, but everything feels wrong right now.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:09 PM
Location: Cochise county, AZ
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Please see a doctor about the depression/anxiety. I don't think I could have coped without medication when my son died. It does help.
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Old 08-27-2016, 07:52 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 8 days ago)
Location: Coastal New Jersey
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Originally Posted by selhars View Post
But I wonder are there some people who just can't handle, cope or bounce back from a love'd one's death, for whom the grief and mourning is just too much? And why can't they handle it what about the human mind and a person's upbringing make them that way.

For example those of us old enough to remember the singer-actor Dean Martin, remember that after his sone died in a plane crash he was never the same. I saw a 9/11 widow who even now is on meds and in a mental fog. YET, many of the Newtown shooting parents have bolstered themselves and are not "stuck."

My faith and upbringing helps me a lot. I believe a person doesn't have to be physically with me, to be with me. I was also raised that when a person dies, YOU -- HAVE to go on. There's not other choice. And being "stuck" or paralyzed by grief doesn't bring the person back.

Obviously, experts say sudden death is different from one that's expected. And HOW we grieve is different. And again that's where for ME my faith helps. Because I was taught….no one knows when their time is up, so be ready to go at any time. Say what needs to be said, live the life you want. Because it could end TODAY.

I found this wonderful City Data board. And have read mangy of your stories. It just made me sad….and wonder how and why is it that some people seem to accept death easier than others.

Your thoughts?
I'm a 9/11 survivor. I was recently asked to join a closed 9/11 support group on Facebook. I carry some minor PTSD that is manageable but becomes a little more intense at this time of year. Some of the people in the group have severe PTSD. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for the wide variations in how the day affected them. I was in one of the towers and lost coworkers I knew for 20 years, yet people who were blocks away at the time of the attacks are in worse shape than I am. Conversely, I've met people who lost their adult children who have moved forward in strength to accomplish great things whereas I imagine I would still be whimpering under a blanket in a soft room if I'd lost my child that way.

You just have to respect every person's response as valid.
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Old 08-27-2016, 09:07 AM
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
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I feel as though I have no control over the way I handle it. I can, for example, feel a gut wrenching grief over some things right away, yet others I can stuff for awhile until the grief comes at an unexpected moment. It always comes out some time, then it fades over time.
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Old 09-17-2016, 09:21 AM
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I handled grief by reminding myself time will heal everything and must not be overly upset.
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