U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-17-2016, 01:29 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,175 posts, read 3,986,905 times
Reputation: 18930

Advertisements

^^^ This ^^^


I remind myself that time heals most all wounds. I allow myself time to cry and wallow in self pity for a while and then I clean. A lot. I keep my mind busy so as not to dwell on things too much.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-17-2016, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Billings, MT
9,060 posts, read 7,141,295 times
Reputation: 12521
I am rapidly approaching my 75th birthday.
Over the years, I have lost a number of much loved-people and pets.
I grieve intensely for a couple of days, then put it behind me and get on with life.
It works for me. That does NOT mean it will work for anyone else!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2016, 05:20 PM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
104 posts, read 228,114 times
Reputation: 190
I haven't yet lost any person really close to me, but with pets and other forms of loss in life (breakups, etc), I do most of my grieving in the weeks/days leading up to the event. For instance, when I knew we needed to put my dog down and when I knew I needed to break up with my boyfriend, I was a mess leading up to both events...but when they both actually happened, I was the only one who didn't cry. I felt really bad not showing my grief but I tend to grieve in private. I was worried I appeared heartless or cold which couldn't be further from the truth.

But when a person who is close to me does inevitably pass away, I may react completely differently; esp if it is unexpected and I do not have time to prepare myself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2016, 05:43 PM
 
3,985 posts, read 5,272,792 times
Reputation: 4582
Quote:
Originally Posted by treevernal View Post
But when a person who is close to me does inevitably pass away, I may react completely differently; esp if it is unexpected and I do not have time to prepare myself.
It is a myth that you can "prepare yourself" for the death of a very close loved one (like a child or spouse.) I know that both from personal experience and from several professionals. You think you are ready, but when it happens, you are not prepared for the overwhelming grief.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2016, 08:57 PM
 
3,273 posts, read 2,854,039 times
Reputation: 4701
I handle grief by working as much as my employer allows.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2016, 10:10 PM
 
Location: R.I.
887 posts, read 529,570 times
Reputation: 3805
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post

My faith and upbringing helps me a lot. I believe a person doesn't have to be physically with me, to be with me. I was also raised that when a person dies, YOU -- HAVE to go on. There's not other choice. And being "stuck" or paralyzed by grief doesn't bring the person back.

Your thoughts?
On 11/29/01 I discovered my beloved 49 year old husband in cardiac arrest on our kitchen floor. I was an ER nurse at the time and had been a direct participant in many successful resuscitations for hundreds of patients, and despite all my expert life saving skills none were able to save the life of the person I loved the most.

I can't even begin to describe the grief I felt following my husband's death, and at times I wished for my own death to relieve my intense pain caused by grief. What got me through were people of great faith when my own got buried in my grief that extended to me the most gentile compassion. Never once did any of these dear people ever tell me I HAD TO MOVE ON.

You being someone as you say of faith, instead of judging another's grief journey maybe consider extending compassion instead. The day may come when you may experience a loss that although you may think your faith will get you through it, it is more often than not the divinely inspired earth angels of compassion that will carry you across the finish line to the other side of grief.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-18-2016, 08:40 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,175 posts, read 3,986,905 times
Reputation: 18930
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I understand.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-18-2016, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,465 posts, read 24,299,159 times
Reputation: 24864
We, H and I, made a conscious decision to be different than most people. We had both grown up in families where people spent years and even decades doing little besides grieving for loved ones. People who gave up the rest of their lives to be sad about something they could not change. Seemed like a waste to us! He didn't want to wish that on me and I didn't want that for him either.

So we talked about it. We decided it was just a fact one of us would outlive the other. We agreed whoever was the last man standing was going to treat it as a gift. Something as close to a do-over as possible. That person's job was to have the very best life possible, be happy, confident, and fearless. And experience new things. Meet new people and have other relationships. I guess just live the life we had left to live. Survivor's guilt was not acceptable either. It wasn't in our control and there was nothing we could do to change things. Dead is dead, and there is no sadness or grieving that can bring them back.

Once in a while over the years/decades one or the other of us would bring up our death pact. And as we got older and saw more people lose husbands, wives, and loved ones, we became more convinced our plan was right for us. Much better to celebrate life than exist in misery. No funerals, no services, and we talked about what to do about the ashes. Where we wanted to be scattered changed from time to time.

In 2011 when H was 61, he went to spend the Holidays with his remaining relatives. On New Year's Eve he went dancing and out to dinner with his cousins. After ringing in the New Year, he went to sleep, had a massive heart attack and died. Not a bad way to go, he went out partying. No pain, no misery, no sickness. I was the last man standing.

Financially, it was a disaster of epic proportions. All that end of life planning stuff was on our to do list for 2012. We would never have guessed it was a year too late. So we screwed up with handling the THINGS, and I will pay for that one for the rest of my life. Emotionally, for me, the death pact was a literal lifesaver. Every time I would get too lost in the sadness I would think about what H would want me to do. And the answer was right there.

So I did. I held up my end of our agreement. I am enjoying every minute and having a great life. There is much to be said for a do-over!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-18-2016, 01:29 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
1,678 posts, read 781,612 times
Reputation: 8577
After my husband died suddenly, I had my intense mourning time. Then I developed what I call my TIHII theory: This Is How It Is. When I would rail at life and curse God and say "It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to be widowed this young. THIS IS WRONG!!!", I'd stop and say "TIHII" and realize that he's gone whether I give into grief or try to get on with my life and he's going to stay gone. This Is How It Is.......I can't change that he's gone, I can only change how I react to it.


Ten years later, I still miss him terribly but I have moved on with my life. I have found new love and a new life. This Is How It Is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-18-2016, 07:14 PM
 
Location: San Diego, CA
104 posts, read 228,114 times
Reputation: 190
Quote:
Originally Posted by jamary1 View Post
After my husband died suddenly, I had my intense mourning time. Then I developed what I call my TIHII theory: This Is How It Is. When I would rail at life and curse God and say "It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to be widowed this young. THIS IS WRONG!!!", I'd stop and say "TIHII" and realize that he's gone whether I give into grief or try to get on with my life and he's going to stay gone. This Is How It Is.......I can't change that he's gone, I can only change how I react to it.


Ten years later, I still miss him terribly but I have moved on with my life. I have found new love and a new life. This Is How It Is.
This sounds like a great attitude and I may borrow it, thank you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top