U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-01-2016, 11:55 AM
 
6,022 posts, read 6,521,704 times
Reputation: 8305

Advertisements

But I wonder are there some people who just can't handle, cope or bounce back from a love'd one's death, for whom the grief and mourning is just too much? And why can't they handle it what about the human mind and a person's upbringing make them that way.

For example those of us old enough to remember the singer-actor Dean Martin, remember that after his sone died in a plane crash he was never the same. I saw a 9/11 widow who even now is on meds and in a mental fog. YET, many of the Newtown shooting parents have bolstered themselves and are not "stuck."

My faith and upbringing helps me a lot. I believe a person doesn't have to be physically with me, to be with me. I was also raised that when a person dies, YOU -- HAVE to go on. There's not other choice. And being "stuck" or paralyzed by grief doesn't bring the person back.

Obviously, experts say sudden death is different from one that's expected. And HOW we grieve is different. And again that's where for ME my faith helps. Because I was taught….no one knows when their time is up, so be ready to go at any time. Say what needs to be said, live the life you want. Because it could end TODAY.

I found this wonderful City Data board. And have read mangy of your stories. It just made me sad….and wonder how and why is it that some people seem to accept death easier than others.

Your thoughts?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-01-2016, 06:16 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
You need to read the first thread "A word from your moderators." Personally, I find your premise offensive. You want to participate in this thread to find out why others don't act like you. And you never say if you have experienced a grave loss. If you haven't, it seems that you are just here to judge and gawk, without the benefit of understanding what someone actually goes through, because, believe me, you will not understand unless you have experienced it. If you genuinely want to understand why people are more are less resilient, I suggest you consult with scholarly works and research on the subject.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2016, 07:07 PM
 
635 posts, read 395,776 times
Reputation: 1762
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
You need to read the first thread "A word from your moderators." Personally, I find your premise offensive. You want to participate in this thread to find out why others don't act like you. And you never say if you have experienced a grave loss. If you haven't, it seems that you are just here to judge and gawk, without the benefit of understanding what someone actually goes through, because, believe me, you will not understand unless you have experienced it. If you genuinely want to understand why people are more are less resilient, I suggest you consult with scholarly works and research on the subject.
Well said Grasshopper!

To the OP, of course the actor wasn't the same after his son died, his child died, do you really expect him to be the same person? Death changes you, it doesn't have to destroy you but it forever changes who you are. A part of me died when my husband died and a new part of me was created.

My husband is not the first person in my life that I have lost but I truly did not understand grief until I lost him. Until you experience this type of loss yourself you have no idea how you will respond and if and when you will ever heal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2016, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,543 posts, read 3,008,088 times
Reputation: 9433
I agree. My son dying was a devastating loss to me. I totally understand why parents are changed. We are not supposed to have to bury our children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2016, 09:51 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,167 posts, read 16,519,971 times
Reputation: 13364
I think some people who "bounce back from a loved one's death" haven't grieved enough, and it'll take longer to accept it. They're the ones who put on a happy face to hide their grief. I was probably one of those after losing my wife (suddenly) 20 years ago. People didn't see me weeping privately, daily, only a merry widower dating a slew of different women and traveling the continent like my sentence had been commuted. That was just me, attempting to run from the near-constant pain but receiving little relief. Two decades later and I still have difficulty visiting this board or talking with her family, especially her younger sister who has become spitting image of my late wife.

One consolation for me was that I had no regrets about the life that my wife and I shared before her early and unexpected death. We never had those fights that some regret. We both worked at home in the same office so were seldom apart; we took several vacations every year, had constant long and meaningful discussions and loved deeply and passionately. No regrets. A friend of mine who lost his wife struggled with her death, outwardly at least, more than I, yet they had a poor marriage. His biggest regret seemed to be that they weren't happy with each other while she was alive.

When I remarried it was to a younger woman, as I didn't know if I could go through losing another wife. Now I worry that I won't, because I don't want her to suffer through being the "surviving spouse." I think the one left behind usually does the most suffering, certainly in cases of sudden death.

Meo, my most sincere condolences to you. You're correct that we aren't supposed to bury our own children. I don't want to imagine what it's like.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2016, 11:14 PM
 
6,022 posts, read 6,521,704 times
Reputation: 8305
1) No offense meant
2) I was hoping to understand grief.
3) Thanks to those who found a way to respond without lashing out or making assumptions. I'll leave my answers to that, lest I offend, again. It'd be a no win situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2016, 12:30 AM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,086 posts, read 5,500,568 times
Reputation: 6407
I'm doing something that probably most people would consider weird. My Mom died four years ago (elderly but unexpected) and I still feel as if I've lost my best friend. I got rid of most of her clothes almost immediately as it made me too sad to look at them. Now I'm going through all the stuff she has saved over the years (old magazines, newspaper headlines, cards people had sent her, MY old report cards, etc. etc. etc.). Much as it pains me, I'm getting rid of most of it. Why? Because when I die, I don't want someone else going through it and tossing it. No family that would want it. And it makes me too sad to keep seeing it. I hope Mom would understand.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2016, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,543 posts, read 3,008,088 times
Reputation: 9433
She would, Avalon.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2016, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,316,975 times
Reputation: 27720
What the OP is asking/stating has more to do with philosophy, religion, and world view than grief itself or coping with it. Stating that faith is what "works" for you is presumptive, even if it was said with positive intent and trying to be helpful. Statements that equate to "I have a better way" are neither sympathetic nor empathic. I fully understand that faith means a lot to some people and I respect that, but I also understand that prescriptions also help some people, and I would take equal offense to a psychiatrist coming in to the forum and suggesting everyone take a pill.

We try to help each other as best we can, and in the course of that may offer suggestions to try, but in full recognition that grief is individual and deeply personal, and that empathy is the most meaningful thing we can share. I understand Grasshopper's strong response within this context. There is no "debate" in this forum. We don't claim one way of handling grief as "better" than another, nor is this a religious forum. We don't compare or attempt to be the fastest person to get through grief. Such discussion is simply not helpful or particularly meaningful.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2016, 04:18 PM
 
2,287 posts, read 2,493,596 times
Reputation: 6999
I talk to them.

I've lost everyone except for my own kids and 1 sister. It feels like I became the matriarch over night, but it took a few short years. Except for the deaths from cancer, it seemed everyone passed because they couldn't live with their losses.

I've never seen anyone grieve like my grand mother when she lost her 24 year old son. In her own words, she cried buckets of tears everyday. When we went to visit her from another state, it was horrible to listen to her howl and cry for my uncle every night. The military money she received from his death, was still in an account when she passed MANY years later. She couldn't touch what she called his blood money. I have no clue how she lived as long as she did, as tortured as she was.

Condolences for those that have lost children. That's one thing I've always known I'm not strong enough live through.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top