Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-26-2016, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,869 posts, read 16,255,431 times
Reputation: 29229

Advertisements

When I've lost loved ones, I've heard one simple remark that did help me. That remark is, "I'll never forget X." If you want to follow up with a little comment that exemplifies a specific thing you'll never forget — "she had such a great laugh," "he was such a thoughtful neighbor," "she showed such strength in facing her illness" — then as long as it's true that's helpful no matter what a person's thoughts are about deities or afterlives.

I'm with those who have a terrible time with trite expressions such as "everything happens for a reason," "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," "s/he's not suffering anymore," and "s/he's in a better place."

A better place being the ground? An urn? Maybe some people believe their loved ones are in heaven surrounded by singing angels, but not everyone does. I especially hate the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Those of us who handle things do it because we have no choice.

But many of us are given things we CANNOT handle. That's why people suffer terrible depression, have nervous breakdowns, commit suicide, etc. Some people have a higher threshold of "handling" than others do. Some people handle loss stoically. Others become alcoholics or drug addicts. Some people handle extreme poverty because they have no options, others abuse their children when they are frustrated. How is someone supposed to handle a four-year-old dying of cancer? How is someone supposed to handle a diagnosis of ALS? Every cloud does NOT have a silver lining.

People who have religious beliefs that offer them these simple solutions are not representing their religions very well by simply assuming that everyone else shares these beliefs.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-26-2016, 08:42 PM
 
4,504 posts, read 3,008,510 times
Reputation: 9631
Most things people say at a time of tragedy are just empty words coming from empty heads. The "s/he's in a better place" is just so much BS. And please give the president something new other than "our thoughts and prayers are with you". That's a bigger load of BS than I can handle. There are so many better things one could say. How about just, "I grieve with you and for you."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 12:46 AM
 
4,710 posts, read 7,069,716 times
Reputation: 5612
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post

People who have religious beliefs that offer them these simple solutions are not representing their religions very well by simply assuming that everyone else shares these beliefs.
I actually don't believe that most of the people really believe what they were saying. I finally had had it when someone from my church did the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." I said "Do you really believe that God put his finger down and gave my husband brain cancer just so that he could see if I could handle it?" The person paused, shocked, for a few seconds, then said "no, I don't believe it. I guess I never thought about what that meant. I'm sorry." So after that, I never again accepted any of those trite phrases. I would be kind, but I would always tell them if they said something that was unhelpful. In fact, I mentioned this to my minister, and he gave a sermon on all the unthinking things people say after a death. I don't hold it against people; its what they have been taught to say, and they say it without thinking. But I can tell you that after that, although I had many, many kind people help me after my husband's death, they would mostly just say "I am so sorry. Can I help in any way?" And they meant it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 02:40 AM
 
13,498 posts, read 18,108,960 times
Reputation: 37885
Quote:
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird View Post
Most of the "stupid" things people say when you are grieving are supposed to make you "feel better". He's not suffering anymore, she's in a better place, you can always have more kids, you'll find someone else, everything happens for a reason.

JUST STOP IT. Grieving people are NOT going to feel better until it comes from within. A hug and "I'm sorry" is plenty. Don't be that asinine person spouting unwanted platitudes.
Yes, use the heart instead of the babble. I feel that too often these off-the-walls comments come from people who desperately want what they say to be true, and are not especially about consolation for the grieving person. It is rather like whistling in the dark, but in this case it's being done in the face of death.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 03:46 AM
 
18,655 posts, read 33,228,457 times
Reputation: 37037
My sister got into some New Age religion thing and said very earnestly to me, "We believe that everything happens for a reason."
Me: "Really? So what was that mess in Rwanda about?"
Sister: "B*ITCH!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 07:37 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
15,199 posts, read 10,194,348 times
Reputation: 32140
When people say, like was mentioned above about the president, "our thoughts and prayers are with you" it just sounds so trite. When I hear that my first thought is, with my eyes rolled, "sure, you're going to pray for these people tonight".


I had to euthanize my beloved Chihuahua yesterday. My heart is breaking. What is the "reason" this happened other than she was old and at the end of her time here on earth? Does this mean something? Should I run right down to my shelter and adopt another dog to fill the void?


Someone told me after my husband died and I was diagnosed with breast cancer that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well then God must think I'm a badasss. And like was mentioned in a previous post sometimes it IS more than people can handle.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,189 posts, read 84,024,464 times
Reputation: 114482
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
When I've lost loved ones, I've heard one simple remark that did help me. That remark is, "I'll never forget X." If you want to follow up with a little comment that exemplifies a specific thing you'll never forget — "she had such a great laugh," "he was such a thoughtful neighbor," "she showed such strength in facing her illness" — then as long as it's true that's helpful no matter what a person's thoughts are about deities or afterlives.

I'm with those who have a terrible time with trite expressions such as "everything happens for a reason," "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," "s/he's not suffering anymore," and "s/he's in a better place."

A better place being the ground? An urn? Maybe some people believe their loved ones are in heaven surrounded by singing angels, but not everyone does. I especially hate the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Those of us who handle things do it because we have no choice.

But many of us are given things we CANNOT handle. That's why people suffer terrible depression, have nervous breakdowns, commit suicide, etc. Some people have a higher threshold of "handling" than others do. Some people handle loss stoically. Others become alcoholics or drug addicts. Some people handle extreme poverty because they have no options, others abuse their children when they are frustrated. How is someone supposed to handle a four-year-old dying of cancer? How is someone supposed to handle a diagnosis of ALS? Every cloud does NOT have a silver lining.

People who have religious beliefs that offer them these simple solutions are not representing their religions very well by simply assuming that everyone else shares these beliefs.
I'm with you. I can't stand "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", either. Pretty obnoxious and implies that if you are overwhelmed, it's your own weakness.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,189 posts, read 84,024,464 times
Reputation: 114482
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
My sister got into some New Age religion thing and said very earnestly to me, "We believe that everything happens for a reason."
Me: "Really? So what was that mess in Rwanda about?"
Sister: "B*ITCH!"
Lol!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,227,648 times
Reputation: 50368
People NEED reasons, so much that they make them up for themselves. Religion is a big one...finding ways to go on despite terrible things happening naturally provokes rationalizations.

Studies have shown that realists suffer from more depression and that optimists are more delusional than realists. People choose how they want to live.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-27-2016, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Billings, MT
9,885 posts, read 10,907,812 times
Reputation: 14180
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Let's not count our chickens before they're hatched.

Who are you to tell people how to grieve?
Let's turn that around: Who are YOU, to tell ME (or anybody else) how to grieve?
Personally, I have always been able to put the grief behind me and get on with living!
IF one is able to do that, I highly recommend it.
Of course, many people find that they can not do that.
I find that I am unable to help them cope.
If that makes me "insensitive", so be it. I am not, and do not pretend to be, a grief counselor!
To paraphrase a well known cartoon character, "I am what I am, and that is all that I am!"
If me being me offends you, that is YOUR problem, not mine!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top