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Old 08-25-2016, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,437 posts, read 41,696,241 times
Reputation: 47030

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Even though I've experienced great loss and sorrow, I've never ventured into this forum. I found this recently and many of you may already be familiar with Tim Lawrence and his work so I apologize if this has been posted before.

This is a very important piece and something I will reread several times. The comments are interesting as well.
Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Billings, MT
9,015 posts, read 7,102,885 times
Reputation: 12479
(SIGH!!)
More "I know everything moreso than anybody else!" psycho-babble.
While he may be pretty much correct, it is still psycho-babble.
Stuff happens. Deal with it and get on with your life.
Or, as the old saying goes, "Illegitimati non carborundum"!
VERY loose translation: Don't let the b*****ds grind you down!
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:46 PM
 
3,967 posts, read 5,257,158 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redraven View Post
(SIGH!!)

Stuff happens. Deal with it and get on with your life.
Even though I agree that Tim Lawrence is engaging in phycho-babble, the above statement is crude and insensitive. It does not acknowledge that people do have to deal with real pain and trauma in their lives and that grieving is a process (sometimes a long process) that we must go through in order to be healthy again. Cold, simplistic attitudes like this are a stumbling block for grieving people.
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Old 08-25-2016, 02:00 PM
 
5,628 posts, read 1,966,904 times
Reputation: 4047
I thought it was a great article and so true regarding the losses I have experienced in my own life.
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Old 08-25-2016, 02:19 PM
 
13,022 posts, read 12,474,766 times
Reputation: 37314
I don't see why it's psychobabble - it's realism. There is not some cosmic force guiding the events around us. There's cause and effect, with a lot of random thrown in.

My best friend and her mother died far too young within 6 months of each other. It was the single most devastating experience of my life. Don't tell me that happened "for a reason." I miss my best friend's companionship and her mother's guidance every day, and it's been almost 20 years.

The essay makes a ton of sense to me. People fall back on platitudes when someone else suffers a loss, but "everything happens for a reason" is incredibly hurtful. There's nothing wrong with reminding people to think about what they're actually saying.
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Old 08-25-2016, 02:59 PM
 
4,316 posts, read 2,159,491 times
Reputation: 7606
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redraven View Post
(SIGH!!)
More "I know everything moreso than anybody else!" psycho-babble.
While he may be pretty much correct, it is still psycho-babble.
Stuff happens. Deal with it and get on with your life.
Or, as the old saying goes, "Illegitimati non carborundum"!
VERY loose translation: Don't let the b*****ds grind you down!
I find starting a post with...."SIGH"......to be very condescending .


Perhaps if you rode a shorter horse no one would have to tell you to .." get off your high horse "
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Old 08-25-2016, 03:09 PM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 960,536 times
Reputation: 1753
Quote:
Originally Posted by David A Stone View Post
I find starting a post with...."SIGH"......to be very condescending .


Perhaps if you rode a shorter horse no one would have to tell you to .." get off your high horse "
Don't mind this guy...bitter ex-military guy whose glory days have LONG passed so he feels the need to push around people who have lost loved ones in an internet forum. Takes all kinds, as they say! The only death he probably has dealt with is the death of his integrity many moons ago!
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Old 08-25-2016, 03:48 PM
 
11,685 posts, read 13,105,481 times
Reputation: 30982
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Even though I've experienced great loss and sorrow, I've never ventured into this forum. I found this recently and many of you may already be familiar with Tim Lawrence and his work so I apologize if this has been posted before.

This is a very important piece and something I will reread several times. The comments are interesting as well.
Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason
Thank you for posting this.
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Old 08-25-2016, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
13,209 posts, read 7,427,904 times
Reputation: 27321
Correct. I don't know why people constantly repeat this ludicrous mantra. Sometimes things happen for no reason. We often never know the answer to why an event occurred. Same with the saying, "What goes around comes around." That's another ludicrous platitude designed to give us comfort, but it's just a lie. Many times good people get the shaft and the bad guy goes unpunished. We should do good and live our lives earnestly because it's the right thing to do, not because we think we will eventually glean some meaning from it or because we have a belief that others will get theirs eventually.
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Old 08-25-2016, 05:13 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,372 posts, read 1,648,599 times
Reputation: 4667
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
People fall back on platitudes when someone else suffers a loss, but "everything happens for a reason" is incredibly hurtful. There's nothing wrong with reminding people to think about what they're actually saying.
I think some very well meaning people are just extremely inept and clueless about being comforting to someone having to deal with the pain of losing a loved one. They think they're saying something helpful and comforting, but what they are saying can have the opposite effect.

The same could be said for someone saying "I know exactly how you feel", which can come across as very insensitive. "I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I'm here for you" might be received much better.
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