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Old 09-19-2016, 08:41 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,235,124 times
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People cope with the death of a loved one in different ways.

I have a deep respect for the process of mourning, but I also think at some point it indeed does get unhealthy. It's one thing to post a photo of one's dead family member on the anniversary of their death or birthday. It's another thing entirely to frequently wallow in it in a public forum such as Facebook.

I don't wish to guess the motivations of your BIL, but I know someone kind of like this. Her parents have been dead almost as long as your first husband, but she still has weekly or bi-weekly remembrances of them. As in, every time she sees a ladybug, she takes a photo and claims it is her mother coming to visit her. That kind of stuff.

I'm a pretty sensitive guy, one who has suffered loss in my own life, but I have to wonder where grief ends and exhibitionism begins. When does it stop being a memorial to a loved one and an attempt to draw attention to oneself? Only you and your BIL can answer that.

Personally, I think it's time to have a quiet conversation with your BIL. Namely that you, too, mourn the loss deeply. But the continued posting on FB opens fresh wounds every time you see it. And then ask if he really needs to talk to someone about it.

Hey, I'm not a big fan of the concept of closure. I think it is a shallow notion cooked up by the self-help industry, a group that often trivializes grief. I mean, my long-time best friend and business partner died 22 years ago, and I still think about him almost every day. But I have a life to live. So, aside from the occasional sharing of memories with friends, I don't make a public spectacle of how much I miss the guy.
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:43 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,690,603 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
I think it's less healthy to just forget about them and want no reminder.
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,488 posts, read 1,796,291 times
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I know someone that lost a spouse to a disease. She posts things about him every holiday, every birthday of his, their anniversary, anniversaries of when they had a special camping trips with other couples etc... He has been gone for about 5+ years.

Some people just have a hard time dealing with their loss. We all grieve in our own way, on our own internal time clocks. Some just never get over the loss.

While it may seem strange or morbid, maybe even crossing over to unhealthy, we cannot control nor can we help those that are having a harder time dealing with these emotions.

Twice a year posting a rememberence is not that unusual in these social media ages.

OP, you can control what you see so that the hurt you feel does not get triggered by those posts. I do believe that you can click on the picture, that represents what you want to hide in the future, will bring up options to hide further types of that post. If that option is not available, you can 'Hide' the person and you won't see their posts.

I'm sorry that you are feeling pain but you can control the ability to not see those things.

In answer to your question, morbid is a strong word. I don't think it is morbid
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:51 AM
 
5,607 posts, read 4,164,742 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
People cope with the death of a loved one in different ways.

I have a deep respect for the process of mourning, but I also think at some point it indeed does get unhealthy. It's one thing to post a photo of one's dead family member on the anniversary of their death or birthday. It's another thing entirely to frequently wallow in it in a public forum such as Facebook.

I don't wish to guess the motivations of your BIL, but I know someone kind of like this. Her parents have been dead almost as long as your first husband, but she still has weekly or bi-weekly remembrances of them. As in, every time she sees a ladybug, she takes a photo and claims it is her mother coming to visit her. That kind of stuff.

I'm a pretty sensitive guy, but I have to wonder where grief ands and exhibitionism begins. When does it stop being a memorial to a loved one and an attempt to draw attention to oneself? Only you and your BIL can answer that.

Personally, I think it's time to have a quiet conversation with your BIL. Namely that you, too, mourn the loss deeply. But the continued posting on FB opens fresh wounds every time you see it. And then ask if he really needs to talk to someone about it.

Hey, I'm not a big fan of the concept of closure. I think it is a shallow notion cooked up by the self-help industry, a group that often trivializes grief. I mean, my long-time best friend and business partner died 22 years ago, and I still think about him almost every day. But I have a life to live. So, aside from the occasional sharing of memories with friends, I don't make a public spectacle of how much I miss the guy.
I have to disagree with you. If you read the OP carefully you'd see that the BIL is posting a couple times a year not a couple times a week. Twice a year is not excessive, morbid or attention seeking.

The OP can easily limit her exposure to his posts since she finds it upsetting, but it's not her place to question what her BIL chooses to share about his brother or how he chooses to grieve.
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,085 posts, read 3,783,211 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
I have to disagree with you. If you read the OP carefully you'd see that the BIL is posting a couple times a year not a couple times a week. Twice a year is not excessive, morbid or attention seeking.

The OP can easily limit her exposure to his posts since she finds it upsetting, but it's not her place to question what her BIL chooses to share about his brother or how he chooses to grieve.
I agree, that I will not discuss this with him personally. I believe it is attention-seeking behavior. And I do know my BIL is perfectly within his rights to present anything he wants on social media.
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:06 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,235,124 times
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Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I agree, that I will not discuss this with him personally. I believe it is attention-seeking behavior. And I do know my BIL is perfectly within his rights to present anything he wants on social media.
Well, if you believe this (And I suspect you may be right) and you don't want to diplomatically call him on it, then you might want to limit your exposure to his feeds. Because you only have two options for avoiding this pain several times a year.
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,406 posts, read 7,146,559 times
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2-3 times a year is not much - you can easily avoid this if you want to.

The bigger issue is that you are remarried but still have VERY intense reactions to seeing what I assume are positive memories (in general for your brother, apparently not for you). Maybe it's not so healthy for your BIL to continue doing this so long after his death either, but that's not the issue under discussion. It doesn't really matter why he's doing it, from your perspective.

If you miss him daily, why are the items you see from your BIL are so much more intense? It's not like you have pushed him from your mind and your BIL is bringing back unwelcome thoughts...or is your issue that you just don't like your BIL?

Find out how much of it is HIM versus your own unresolved issues.
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:48 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,690,603 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I believe it is attention-seeking behavior.

I think for his sake, you should just unfriend him. For you to bash a man for 2-3 TIMES A YEAR sharing the death of a BROTHER, you are definitely not friends.
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:54 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,235,124 times
Reputation: 45820
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
2-3 times a year is not much - you can easily avoid this if you want to.

The bigger issue is that you are remarried but still have VERY intense reactions to seeing what I assume are positive memories (in general for your brother, apparently not for you). Maybe it's not so healthy for your BIL to continue doing this so long after his death either, but that's not the issue under discussion. It doesn't really matter why he's doing it, from your perspective.

If you miss him daily, why are the items you see from your BIL are so much more intense? It's not like you have pushed him from your mind and your BIL is bringing back unwelcome thoughts...or is your issue that you just don't like your BIL?

Find out how much of it is HIM versus your own unresolved issues.
I don't completely agree with this. I know plenty of people who have lost a spouse, yet have moved on to live happy and fulfilling lives. At the same time, the loss is always with them. It's not something that can just evaporate with the right amount of counseling.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,085 posts, read 3,783,211 times
Reputation: 10081
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
2-3 times a year is not much - you can easily avoid this if you want to.

The bigger issue is that you are remarried but still have VERY intense reactions to seeing what I assume are positive memories (in general for your brother, apparently not for you). Maybe it's not so healthy for your BIL to continue doing this so long after his death either, but that's not the issue under discussion. It doesn't really matter why he's doing it, from your perspective.

If you miss him daily, why are the items you see from your BIL are so much more intense? It's not like you have pushed him from your mind and your BIL is bringing back unwelcome thoughts...or is your issue that you just don't like your BIL?

Find out how much of it is HIM versus your own unresolved issues.
You really don't seem to know much about being a widow/widower and I am glad for that. It means you haven't had that experience & I hope you never do.

Let's pretend you lost a child (yes, also I also lost a daughter 3 years prior to her Dad's death). Its the same thing. Those people you deeply loved come and go fleetingly from your thoughts daily. Driving by a soccer field with kids playing, and you will have the instant memory of sitting on the sidelines while your daughter was a goalie. Drive by a Chick Filet poster, and a flash will come to mind the Halloween when your departed husband dressed as a cow with a "Eat more Chic'ken" sign. . These are NOT very intense feelings. They are a normal part of loss of loved ones. It will be like this forever for people who have lost someone they loved. Gone, not forgotten and a part of the fabric of who one is forever.

I don't dislike my BIL. However the photos are upsetting and they don't commerate specific anniversaries. Just a random photo will crop up of his brother with "Missing my bro" ...... So, of course, all his friends (new and old...sometimes the comment will reflect a person thinking this just happened so then the story of his long illness will become a topic of several comments) will have to jump in with comments.
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