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Old 09-19-2016, 02:03 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,996 posts, read 1,774,084 times
Reputation: 13775

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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Let's pretend you lost a child (yes, also I also lost a daughter 3 years prior to her Dad's death). long illness
OP; in my very humble opinion; the bolded above is probably one of the most relevant statements you have made.

I don't think your BIL suffers from Morbid Grief (yes; thats an actual condition), nor do you.

I think the term "Complicated Grief" is more appropriate (& yes thats a real condition too).

I've lost a child too & it's one of the few things that does not fit the context of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

If anything; that experience has made me almost phobic of grief ... much more fragile.

... There but for the grace of God; go I ... I think you have every right to feel upset. Maybe not upset AT (the BIL) but definitely upset!
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Old 09-19-2016, 02:26 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,096 posts, read 3,918,635 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My late husband died of cancer almost 17 years ago. We were married 18 years at the time of his death. He was a great guy and I miss him daily. I remarried 5 years following his death.

His brother is one of my social media contacts. About 2x a year my former BIL posts photos of my deceased husband/his brother with some memory about him.... And there is always lots of positive reinforcement from old school mates, family members, etc. Everytime, it just tugs at my soul. I literally feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.

I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
You could always just stop "following" him on FB. You would still be "friends" but you wouldn't have to see his posts if it bothers you that much. I do that to FB friends that post constant political garbage or who post things I find objectionable.


Actually today would have been my father's birthday. We posted our favorite picture of him on FB. We do the same on the anniversary of his death and Father's Day so it's three times a year.


My husband passed away 5 years ago August 21st. For the first 4 years I posted something about him on his birthday, our anniversary and the anniversary of his death but I have stopped as I don't have a lot of FB "friends" and while the few I have remember my husband the grief has lessened.


I am very sorry for the loss of your husband and your daughter. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. My sincere condolences.

Last edited by chiluvr1228; 09-19-2016 at 02:38 PM..
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Old 09-19-2016, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Log "cabin" west of Bangor
5,487 posts, read 6,424,991 times
Reputation: 9378
My wife and I were very close to my father, who died (too young, only 62) from cancer a little more than 15 years ago. We sat with him until the last, so that he would not die alone. Several times a year, we remember him by having a drink/toast using his favorite brand of whiskey.

There is always a pang of sadness and regret, but we prefer to remember him, rather than to ignore and forget. We don't think it's morbid, we think of it as honoring him for what he was to us.

You are not wrong, if you want to forget. But neither is it wrong, if others want to remember.
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Old 09-19-2016, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,072 posts, read 3,770,509 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zymer View Post
My wife and I were very close to my father, who died (too young, only 62) from cancer a little more than 15 years ago. We sat with him until the last, so that he would not die alone. Several times a year, we remember him by having a drink/toast using his favorite brand of whiskey.

There is always a pang of sadness and regret, but we prefer to remember him, rather than to ignore and forget. We don't think it's morbid, we think of it as honoring him for what he was to us.

You are not wrong, if you want to forget. But neither is it wrong, if others want to remember.
I don't ever forget. And at significant times I visit his crypt. I just find, after 17 years, that a private way is nice. And you are honoring him privately.

And I was the 24/7 hospice caregiver btw. No help fromthe BIL during that time. I dont resent that either just saying the facts. That last night when death was imminent the whole family was at our home and invited to stay as long as long as desired. At his bedside in the end were our children and me. His brothers and Mom (who had the flu) went home early in the evening after saying goodbye.

I am just providing this info because I dont want you to think it was easy for me or I want to forget.

Last edited by WorldKlas; 09-19-2016 at 02:56 PM..
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Old 09-19-2016, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,489 posts, read 11,474,558 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SVTLightning View Post
I would like to hope that I am remembered at least that often after I pass.


It doesn't sound like you have fond memories of your late husband. I can't imagine any other reason to feel offended or outraged about someones memory.
The thing here is though... the lady the OP has moved on and maybe finds it a bit distastful while his brother cant get a new brother... I dont find it morbid ata all though..
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Old 09-19-2016, 02:54 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,996 posts, read 1,774,084 times
Reputation: 13775
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I don't ever forget. And at significant times I visit his crypt. I just find, after 17 years, that a private way is nice. And you are honoring him privately.

And I was the 24/7 hospice caregiver btw. No help fromthe BIL during that time. I dont resent that either just saying the facts.
The bolded ... No wonder it bothers you!

Maybe he has some unresolved guilt & getting the positive feedback from his posts are his way of reinforcing that your husband was still HIS brother.

I'd be annoyed too; OP!
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Old 09-19-2016, 05:00 PM
 
5,003 posts, read 6,678,903 times
Reputation: 4517
It is very natural, common behavior for people to occasionally post memories and photos of deceased family and friends, particularly around various anniversaries. Different people handle loss different ways and this does not seem unhealthy. It rather seems more unhealthy that after nearly two decades it is still so painful to you to see someone else remembering him in this way. Your feelings are not wrong, neither are his - but maybe you could benefit from talking to someone professional about your loss and how you cope with it even now....or maybe about the conflict between you and this person over the issues that are truly behind your reaction if it is more than just different styles of grief/remembrance....
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Old 09-19-2016, 09:08 PM
 
Location: South Seattle Suburbs
3,348 posts, read 5,811,009 times
Reputation: 3523
We all deal with loss in our own ways. You do in yours; your brother-in-law does in his. Taking about our departed loved ones, remembering them, is how they live on. Just because he does it differently from you doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong.

And bear in mind that his loss is probably just as deep as yours. He and your husband were kids together, grew up together. Their bond was most likely very deep.

Let him mourn in the way that brings him peace. If that means unfollowing him on Facebook, so be it.
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Old 09-19-2016, 10:32 PM
 
629 posts, read 597,721 times
Reputation: 938
OP, you have replaced him as a husband but your BIL can never replace the lost brother. He loves him and remembers him. I can't believe that you think this behavior is morbid.
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Old 09-20-2016, 03:49 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,566 posts, read 21,741,355 times
Reputation: 44317
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My late husband died of cancer almost 17 years ago. We were married 18 years at the time of his death. He was a great guy and I miss him daily. I remarried 5 years following his death.

His brother is one of my social media contacts. About 2x a year my former BIL posts photos of my deceased husband/his brother with some memory about him.... And there is always lots of positive reinforcement from old school mates, family members, etc. Everytime, it just tugs at my soul. I literally feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.

I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. Although it's been a long time, seeing a deceased person's photograph on Facebook when you are not expecting it, can be disconcerting and may trigger feelings of sadness and a loss of control over your own life. It is one thing to decide on your own to look at pictures in a photograph album of a deceased loved one, when you are in the mood. It is quite another to be scrolling down your Facebook feed, sipping your morning coffee, enjoying funny memes, pictures of cute animals, inspiring thoughts, photographs of nature - and suddenly - here comes a picture of you late husband. I get it.

And, I tend to be more like you than your brother-in-law.

There are different ways of dealing with loss. Some people really like to "keep the memory alive" - not only on social media, but in other ways. Road side memorials, yearly photos in the obituary column on the anniversary of their death or on birthdays, even getting a tattoo of the deceased face. I have seen it all.

In fact, five years ago, a friend from college passed away from cancer. She was relatively young, and her husband was devastated.

However, what he has done has been disturbing to me, and to several others in our circle of friends.

HE KEEPS HER FACEBOOK PAGE UP - and MAINTAINS IT! He changes the cover photo and her Facebook picture to go with the seasons and events. On their anniversary, my other three friends and I are bombarded of pictures of ourselves in 1980s hair and bridesmaid attire. On Easter there's a picture of our friend in her Easter dress. When football season comes around, so does our dead friend, in her cheerleading outfit. When Spring Break season comes around, there are the five of us in bikinis, holding Margaritas. It never ends.

We all think it's really morbid and sad. But none of us have said anything. What is strange is that many of these pictures are before she met him - and we are in them too.

However, we don't have the heart to say anything to him.

So, while I did not want to unfriend my late friend or her husband, I did not want to be bombarded with these pictures. Neither did my friends.

What we did was use the "hide" feature on Facebook. That way he does not know that we are not getting our late friends posts - and "she" posts prolifically, and he has no idea. Every once in a while, we visit her wall and "like" something that "she" has posted.

But we can control when we see these things.

If you are on Facebook, you can do this. If it's another social media outlet, there might be a way to do the same thing.

Hope this is of some help to you.
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