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Old 09-20-2016, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,073 posts, read 3,770,509 times
Reputation: 10042

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Although it's been a long time, seeing a deceased person's photograph on Facebook when you are not expecting it, can be disconcerting and may trigger feelings of sadness and a loss of control over your own life. It is one thing to decide on your own to look at pictures in a photograph album of a deceased loved one, when you are in the mood. It is quite another to be scrolling down your Facebook feed, sipping your morning coffee, enjoying funny memes, pictures of cute animals, inspiring thoughts, photographs of nature - and suddenly - here comes a picture of you late husband. I get it


Exactly. I feel the jolt because it is not expected.
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Old 09-20-2016, 06:56 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,098 posts, read 3,918,635 times
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That is very understandable. Could the BIL give you a heads up before he posts something that will be painful to you?
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Old 09-20-2016, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,961 posts, read 6,706,083 times
Reputation: 10701
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
It is not morbid. It is wonderful that he is still remembered!


And the only unhealthy part I see is when you say...

17 years later, I would have hoped you were further along in the process...
Well said.
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Old 09-20-2016, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,836 posts, read 1,161,584 times
Reputation: 6053
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Although it's been a long time, seeing a deceased person's photograph on Facebook when you are not expecting it, can be disconcerting and may trigger feelings of sadness and a loss of control over your own life. It is one thing to decide on your own to look at pictures in a photograph album of a deceased loved one, when you are in the mood. It is quite another to be scrolling down your Facebook feed, sipping your morning coffee, enjoying funny memes, pictures of cute animals, inspiring thoughts, photographs of nature - and suddenly - here comes a picture of you late husband. I get it


Exactly. I feel the jolt because it is not expected.
World - So sorry for your losses. I understand that the number of years doesn't matter. The "jolt" seems to never go away.

My father died when I was 8 years old - airplane crash - and I still miss him.
My 18 y/o daughter died 33 years ago. Lord knows I still miss her.
My first wife died 15 years ago. I still miss her.
My second wife died 6 month ago. I still miss her.

I occasionally will post a pictured or something on facebook about one of them but not very often. I think I'm entitled to that. And, as you know all too well, we can't protect ourselves from these types of unintended emotional triggers. We just can't. All we can do it deal with them as they happen, as you are doing.

And moving on with a second or third husband doesn't "replace" the first or second one, any more than having another child replaces the one you lost.

God Bless.
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Old 09-20-2016, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,019 posts, read 7,193,418 times
Reputation: 49965
One of John's coworkers committed suicide in his garage before his shift started and every year on the anniversary of his death I message his brother on Facebook and tell him that we're thinking of him and the family. He posts something dedicated to the memory of his brother every year. John's sister died on the same day of the same month that his work friend died two years later. I don't know if there is any mention of her passing on Facebook because we were never close and they aren't allowed access to my Facebook postings.

My heart breaks for you WorldKlas. That must have been the most devastating loss you've ever had to endure. Especially since it still affects you after so much time has passed. You can't expect others to process the loss the same way that you do and your ex brother in law has the right to express his feelings his way. Do I see it as morbid? No. I view it as honoring a memory of a dear one still very much missed. Grief is a personal thing and we all process it differently. I'm sending hugs to you and a hope that you find a better way to move on. Maybe some day you can seek comfort in the memory of his smile.
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Old 09-20-2016, 11:47 AM
 
859 posts, read 447,800 times
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Not morbid. It was 17 years ago too. Yes you miss him, but the bro is doing what he has to do to cope too. Maybe these pictures can help remind you of him and the good times you two shared together, rather than it bringing a feeling of sadness.
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Old 09-20-2016, 12:03 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
I get your feelings, but I think Facebook is something you have some control over. You can block your BIL's posts or unfriend him, or you can have your BIL send you an email to warn you when he has posted, then just not look at facebook for a couple of days, and it will have moved down the feed. I think that one of the problems here is your feeling that you can't control when the pictures will hit you. So exercise as much control as you can without impinging on your BIL's right to post what he wants.
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Old 09-20-2016, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,139 posts, read 7,463,231 times
Reputation: 17039
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
I think for his sake, you should just unfriend him. For you to bash a man for 2-3 TIMES A YEAR sharing the death of a BROTHER, you are definitely not friends.
This.

Even though you were his 24/7 private caretaker, he was his brother.

You have remarried and have moved on.

Have some compassion for your BIL.
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Old 09-20-2016, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,344 posts, read 7,115,490 times
Reputation: 31031
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
You really don't seem to know much about being a widow/widower and I am glad for that. It means you haven't had that experience & I hope you never do.

Let's pretend you lost a child (yes, also I also lost a daughter 3 years prior to her Dad's death). Its the same thing. Those people you deeply loved come and go fleetingly from your thoughts daily. Driving by a soccer field with kids playing, and you will have the instant memory of sitting on the sidelines while your daughter was a goalie. Drive by a Chick Filet poster, and a flash will come to mind the Halloween when your departed husband dressed as a cow with a "Eat more Chic'ken" sign. . These are NOT very intense feelings. They are a normal part of loss of loved ones. It will be like this forever for people who have lost someone they loved. Gone, not forgotten and a part of the fabric of who one is forever.

I don't dislike my BIL. However the photos are upsetting and they don't commerate specific anniversaries. Just a random photo will crop up of his brother with "Missing my bro" ...... So, of course, all his friends (new and old...sometimes the comment will reflect a person thinking this just happened so then the story of his long illness will become a topic of several comments) will have to jump in with comments.
Fine - it is ONE more slightly less random thought that you get a couple times a year that is on top of the daily random thoughts you have.

I'm not saying your own daily thoughts are intense - just the opposite. So WHY are similar things coming from you BIL so different that you react strongly?

You HAVE moved on, correct - you've been remarried for a number of years now? How did that come about exactly? Maybe that will shed some light.
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Old 09-20-2016, 02:39 PM
 
2,054 posts, read 983,079 times
Reputation: 3925
First of all, sorry for the loss of your first husband and daughter.

It's nice that you still keep in touch with your former brother in law but perhaps you should stop following him on Facebook. His 2x a year posts on his brother seem to upset you.

Are you angry at him for not helping you out during your husbands last illness? Did you ask him for help, did he turn you down so you find all these 'missing you, bro' posts hypocritical? Would it have made a difference to you if his brothers, their mother (who was ill and probably devastated at losing one of her children) and he had stayed by his beside till the very end?

You did lose your husband; he lost his brother. You post only happy events on social media, he will post pictures/rememberances of his brother. Neither of you are right or wrong, you just use social media differently. You can't really tell people how to grieve. Would you want someone to tell you to stop thinking about your child and first husband? This may be your brother in laws' way of grieving/remembering his brother. If his remembrances are too painful for you, then cease all social media contact with him.
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