U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-20-2016, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,796 posts, read 2,152,412 times
Reputation: 5192

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Actually it is more like 2-3 times a year
Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
I don't find it morbid. I actually think it's sweet that he still thinks of his brother and wants to share something from his life. My BIL died last year. He and my husband were best friends. It's been incredibly hard for him to have his brother gone. If posting pictures and/or memories a couple times a year brought him solace, I'd be all for it.

Everyone grieves in their own way and we have to allow for that even if it's not what we would do. Since it upsets you, why not hide his posts on FB? It's not the only way to keep up with people.
I'm willing to bet those 2-3 times a years always fall on some sort of special date that "They" both shared as some special time in their lives. Maybe track the timeline of when he posts these things ( since it upsets you so much), so you can avoid then or simply change the Status of him so you don't see them in Your timeline.

As to being Morbid..you are definitely WRONG about that. By remembering loved ones is one way for people to bring fond memories back and SMILE!!! Meanwhile, for some reason, since you have moved on..it triggers some sort of feeling that only you can rationalize. So avoid it..Facebook has simple remedies for avoidance of certain posts!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Although it's been a long time, seeing a deceased person's photograph on Facebook when you are not expecting it, can be disconcerting and may trigger feelings of sadness and a loss of control over your own life. It is one thing to decide on your own to look at pictures in a photograph album of a deceased loved one, when you are in the mood. It is quite another to be scrolling down your Facebook feed, sipping your morning coffee, enjoying funny memes, pictures of cute animals, inspiring thoughts, photographs of nature - and suddenly - here comes a picture of you late husband. I get it


Exactly. I feel the jolt because it is not expected.
See above response> so that you can avoid being jolted ^^^
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-20-2016, 06:13 PM
 
11,427 posts, read 19,438,504 times
Reputation: 18124
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
You really don't seem to know much about being a widow/widower and I am glad for that. It means you haven't had that experience & I hope you never do.

Let's pretend you lost a child (yes, also I also lost a daughter 3 years prior to her Dad's death). Its the same thing. Those people you deeply loved come and go fleetingly from your thoughts daily. Driving by a soccer field with kids playing, and you will have the instant memory of sitting on the sidelines while your daughter was a goalie. Drive by a Chick Filet poster, and a flash will come to mind the Halloween when your departed husband dressed as a cow with a "Eat more Chic'ken" sign. . These are NOT very intense feelings. They are a normal part of loss of loved ones. It will be like this forever for people who have lost someone they loved. Gone, not forgotten and a part of the fabric of who one is forever.

I don't dislike my BIL. However the photos are upsetting and they don't commerate specific anniversaries. Just a random photo will crop up of his brother with "Missing my bro" ...... So, of course, all his friends (new and old...sometimes the comment will reflect a person thinking this just happened so then the story of his long illness will become a topic of several comments) will have to jump in with comments.
I knew a woman online who lost her son in a tragic accident like 18 years ago. She has set up a memorial site and every single blessed day she writes him a note that starts I can't believe you're gone...and she's not able to move through her grief. THAT'S morbid.

But, I also think it's perfectly normal to not want this forced down your throat 3 times a year.

I want my memories on my terms, not someone else's.. My dad played guitar and would sing this song called Columbus, Georgia... And I had it in my memory. And once, while at a Harvest Festival, the band started playing it....my stars, all the wind went out of me, and I collapsed sobbing into my husbands arms. I was crying so hard, I couldn't tell him why I was crying...in fact, I'm crying now, and this was over 20 years ago. Scared him badly.

If you have a really good relationship with your brother in law, maybe he could create a FB page specifically for posting those pictures....which you could stick on ignore. That way, he can honor his brother without hurting you. You're family...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2016, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Austin
11,029 posts, read 6,212,441 times
Reputation: 11919
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My late husband died of cancer almost 17 years ago. We were married 18 years at the time of his death. He was a great guy and I miss him daily. I remarried 5 years following his death.

His brother is one of my social media contacts. About 2x a year my former BIL posts photos of my deceased husband/his brother with some memory about him.... And there is always lots of positive reinforcement from old school mates, family members, etc. Everytime, it just tugs at my soul. I literally feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.

I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
We all deal with grief differently. His brother misses him. Remembering him and posting photos and memories is comforting to his brother.

You have a different way to grieve.

Neither way to remember this very loved man is wrong, WorldKlas. Please be understanding and kind to his brother's needs.

Last edited by texan2yankee; 09-20-2016 at 06:51 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2016, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,075 posts, read 3,772,849 times
Reputation: 10047
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
I knew a woman online who lost her son in a tragic accident like 18 years ago. She has set up a memorial site and every single blessed day she writes him a note that starts I can't believe you're gone...and she's not able to move through her grief. THAT'S morbid.

But, I also think it's perfectly normal to not want this forced down your throat 3 times a year.

I want my memories on my terms, not someone else's.. My dad played guitar and would sing this song called Columbus, Georgia... And I had it in my memory. And once, while at a Harvest Festival, the band started playing it....my stars, all the wind went out of me, and I collapsed sobbing into my husbands arms. I was crying so hard, I couldn't tell him why I was crying...in fact, I'm crying now, and this was over 20 years ago. Scared him badly.

If you have a really good relationship with your brother in law, maybe he could create a FB page specifically for posting those pictures....which you could stick on ignore. That way, he can honor his brother without hurting you. You're family...
Wow, that is morbid!

Yes, you get it. Very different having a fleeting memory than suddenly a photo flashing on the screen an its not even a special anniversary

I have a fine relationship with my late husband's brother. And I know I have a found another husband and he will never have another brother. Neither of us, nor his kids, however will ever have him in our daily lives again and he is sorely missed by all. For some of the posts that suggest I get counseling, I am really OK.

I don't think I will bring this up to him. I will "unfollow". That is unfortunate because I enjoy staying current on his life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2016, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,448 posts, read 17,629,902 times
Reputation: 39933
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post

I don't think I will bring this up to him. I will "unfollow". That is unfortunate because I enjoy staying current on his life.
Then just visit his page. All of this is very simple. That is rare when dealing with grief.
__________________
____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-20-2016, 09:33 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,457,966 times
Reputation: 17235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I think everybody is entitled to remember the deceased on their own terms.
Yes and to ask them NOT TO GREIVE how they want to IS MEAN AND DISRESPECTFUL!!

No one really knows what someone means TO SOMEONE WHO LOST THEM!! (A wife,family member,etc)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2016, 04:44 AM
 
Location: northern New England
1,722 posts, read 700,406 times
Reputation: 6740
I don't like it when FB resurrects photos I posted of my late husband. But I do post a "memory" twice a year, on his birthday and the date I lost him. I would be thrilled if someone else, say one of his four grown kids, posted something to let me know they are thinking of him. Hasn't happened yet.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2016, 05:11 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,505 posts, read 11,481,746 times
Reputation: 20980
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Wow, that is morbid!

Yes, you get it. Very different having a fleeting memory than suddenly a photo flashing on the screen an its not even a special anniversary

I have a fine relationship with my late husband's brother. And I know I have a found another husband and he will never have another brother. Neither of us, nor his kids, however will ever have him in our daily lives again and he is sorely missed by all. For some of the posts that suggest I get counseling, I am really OK.

I don't think I will bring this up to him. I will "unfollow". That is unfortunate because I enjoy staying current on his life.
Maybe a better idea..a fleeting memory isnt a way Id like to be remembered although Im not into the shrine type thing either... maybe it depends on moving on to you. as you have a new life.. his brother.. perhaps mother and his children only had him so its different...I still put on my aunts photos , she died fifty one years ago but she brought me up from a baby.. and to her Ill devote a thought or more every day of my life.... same with my granny who I loved a lot and my own mother... they deserve more than a fleeting thought from me .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2016, 06:11 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,075 posts, read 3,772,849 times
Reputation: 10047
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
Maybe a better idea..a fleeting memory isnt a way Id like to be remembered although Im not into the shrine type thing either... maybe it depends on moving on to you. as you have a new life.. his brother.. perhaps mother and his children only had him so its different...I still put on my aunts photos , she died fifty one years ago but she brought me up from a baby.. and to her Ill devote a thought or more every day of my life.... same with my granny who I loved a lot and my own mother... they deserve more than a fleeting thought from me .
Ahhh.......the fun sport of shaming the OP.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-21-2016, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
6,964 posts, read 5,187,171 times
Reputation: 9400
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Actually it is more like 2-3 times a year
I don't think 3 times a year is what I would call morbid or unhealthy. At that frequency its more remembering the good times than wallowing in grief.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
People cope with the death of a loved one in different ways.

I have a deep respect for the process of mourning, but I also think at some point it indeed does get unhealthy. It's one thing to post a photo of one's dead family member on the anniversary of their death or birthday. It's another thing entirely to frequently wallow in it in a public forum such as Facebook.

I don't wish to guess the motivations of your BIL, but I know someone kind of like this. Her parents have been dead almost as long as your first husband, but she still has weekly or bi-weekly remembrances of them. As in, every time she sees a ladybug, she takes a photo and claims it is her mother coming to visit her. That kind of stuff.

I'm a pretty sensitive guy, one who has suffered loss in my own life, but I have to wonder where grief ends and exhibitionism begins. When does it stop being a memorial to a loved one and an attempt to draw attention to oneself? Only you and your BIL can answer that.
I know someone like that. I can't imagine the pain of losing a daughter (in her situation,) but she posts on her daughter's facebook wall nearly every day, over a year later. I don't think that its healthy.

But 2-3 times per year? That seems within the bounds of healthy and reasonable. It isn't any different than when family sometimes brings out old pictures of that fishing trip with dad, or something like that. Its just the medium is a bit different.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top