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Old 09-21-2016, 07:18 AM
 
15,832 posts, read 18,446,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My late husband died of cancer almost 17 years ago. We were married 18 years at the time of his death. He was a great guy and I miss him daily. I remarried 5 years following his death.

His brother is one of my social media contacts. About 2x a year my former BIL posts photos of my deceased husband/his brother with some memory about him.... And there is always lots of positive reinforcement from old school mates, family members, etc. Everytime, it just tugs at my soul. I literally feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.

I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
You are too close. I think the statement underlined above is a bit sad.

Your husband was his brother....long before he was your deceased husband. His grief is not your business.

No disrespect, but you have remarried.....Perhaps you need to Move on, including unfriending your ex-BIL

Last edited by JanND; 09-21-2016 at 07:35 AM..
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Old 09-21-2016, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,079 posts, read 3,775,574 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dude111 View Post
Yes and to ask them NOT TO GREIVE how they want to IS MEAN AND DISRESPECTFUL!!

No one really knows what someone means TO SOMEONE WHO LOST THEM!! (A wife,family member,etc)
I would never request that my late DH's brother not grieve. What are you talking about.

So, you guys have me wrong here and this is utterly turning into a roast the OP.

You don't know much about this, and all the things that go with the death of a spouse. You don't know the personalities involved and how much we each worked to honor the individual needs of each family member (my DH would have laughed a lot at the bagpipes b/c its what his bro wanted....so loud and long but WTH....I was okay with it).

My BIL has a long history of attention seeking on many, many levels. So I guess this rubs me the wrong way after 17 years.
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Old 09-21-2016, 08:32 AM
 
9,209 posts, read 18,049,326 times
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It sounds like you are saying this hurts you or jolts you when it happens because you're not expecting it. But then you say the brother in law has always been attention seeking in this way.


So it seems to me that what's hurting you are your expectations, not the brother's behavior.


Ask yourself why the posts about your deceased husband "unexpected." He does this over an over, it should fall under "expected" by now, right? Why not just expect them and mentally prepare yourself?


After being on "social media that rhymes with spacehook" for about 8 years, I have taught myself to NEVER be shocked by what "friends" post. I simply EXPECT that I will see things I do not like, that upset me, or "trigger" me on some way. So every time I log on, I'm never caught off-guard.


And like your brother-in-law, many of my contacts do tend to be attention-seeking. So I expect that they will be the ones to post the things that will bother me.


So my point is, you aren't gonna change the behavior of these folks, and I understand not wanting to totally block them or "unfriend" them. So you might need to shift your expectations of them. Just remind yourself that this guy is going to post pics and memories of your former husband a few times a year, and you won't be surprised.
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Old 09-21-2016, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,079 posts, read 3,775,574 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
It sounds like you are saying this hurts you or jolts you when it happens because you're not expecting it. But then you say the brother in law has always been attention seeking in this way.


So it seems to me that what's hurting you are your expectations, not the brother's behavior.


Ask yourself why the posts about your deceased husband "unexpected." He does this over an over, it should fall under "expected" by now, right? Why not just expect them and mentally prepare yourself?


After being on "social media that rhymes with spacehook" for about 8 years, I have taught myself to NEVER be shocked by what "friends" post. I simply EXPECT that I will see things I do not like, that upset me, or "trigger" me on some way. So every time I log on, I'm never caught off-guard.


And like your brother-in-law, many of my contacts do tend to be attention-seeking. So I expect that they will be the ones to post the things that will bother me.


So my point is, you aren't gonna change the behavior of these folks, and I understand not wanting to totally block them or "unfriend" them. So you might need to shift your expectations of them. Just remind yourself that this guy is going to post pics and memories of your former husband a few times a year, and you won't be surprised.
Great post! But I think I will just unfollow as has been suggested. I guess this is just too close to me and I can't be relaxed with it.
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Old 09-21-2016, 11:22 AM
 
11,430 posts, read 19,443,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird View Post
I don't like it when FB resurrects photos I posted of my late husband. But I do post a "memory" twice a year, on his birthday and the date I lost him. I would be thrilled if someone else, say one of his four grown kids, posted something to let me know they are thinking of him. Hasn't happened yet.
People are very odd about death. I've run into more than one person who couldn't share his feelings about a loved ones passing because it will "upset" the family. So to the family it looks like they are ignoring the death, so they also ignore the death to not upset them....
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Old 09-21-2016, 12:57 PM
 
Location: LA, CA/ In This Time and Place
5,425 posts, read 3,280,484 times
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Not morbid, it's loving and I think your late husband is lucky to be remembered. You should feel good about all the positive reinforcements on Facebook.

I can see however how you can feel sad when seeing it.
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Old 09-21-2016, 02:07 PM
 
Location: In a vehicle.
4,547 posts, read 2,774,189 times
Reputation: 7316
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My late husband died of cancer almost 17 years ago. We were married 18 years at the time of his death. He was a great guy and I miss him daily. I remarried 5 years following his death.

His brother is one of my social media contacts. About 2x a year my former BIL posts photos of my deceased husband/his brother with some memory about him.... And there is always lots of positive reinforcement from old school mates, family members, etc. Everytime, it just tugs at my soul. I literally feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.

I find this continual posting both morbid and unhealthy..... Do you agree or am I just too close to this?
Had a co-worker who lost his only daughter whose death from falling off a bridge is still not closed (Not sure if she got pushed or jumped or tripped and fell as the bridge barrier is low) and he wore a t-shirt with her pic every Wednesday and actually bought a house where he could sit and look at the bridge also....

Now THAT'S messed up....
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Old 09-21-2016, 05:46 PM
 
11,430 posts, read 19,443,622 times
Reputation: 18135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disgustedman View Post
Had a co-worker who lost his only daughter whose death from falling off a bridge is still not closed (Not sure if she got pushed or jumped or tripped and fell as the bridge barrier is low) and he wore a t-shirt with her pic every Wednesday and actually bought a house where he could sit and look at the bridge also....

Now THAT'S messed up....
Totally agree. I never tell anyone to "get over" their grief, because grief is something you work through. In some ways it never ends, but stuff like that and my online friend, it become their purpose in life and they never work through it. After my Dad died, my mom started drinking, and that didn't allow her to work through her grief either. For a few years, my mom was very brittle. But, somehow she woke up, stopped drinking and worked through it. Grief never becomes okay but it does become better...
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Old 09-28-2016, 03:32 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I don't ever forget. And at significant times I visit his crypt. I just find, after 17 years, that a private way is nice. And you are honoring him privately.

And I was the 24/7 hospice caregiver btw. No help fromthe BIL during that time. I dont resent that either just saying the facts. That last night when death was imminent the whole family was at our home and invited to stay as long as long as desired. At his bedside in the end were our children and me. His brothers and Mom (who had the flu) went home early in the evening after saying goodbye.

I am just providing this info because I dont want you to think it was easy for me or I want to forget.
Having been a caregiver and had a brother who was no help, I understand where you're coming from. But it sounds like you do have some resentment, and that is understandable.

Not that you walk around grinding your teeth daily(I don't) but seeing the pictures and who sent them sets something off in your mind about how the BIL wasn't there when you needed the support. Now he posts these pictures in loving tribute, and your mind(whether you want it to or not) goes back to the hospice 17 years ago, again understandable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I get your feelings, but I think Facebook is something you have some control over. You can block your BIL's posts or unfriend him, or you can have your BIL send you an email to warn you when he has posted, then just not look at facebook for a couple of days, and it will have moved down the feed. I think that one of the problems here is your feeling that you can't control when the pictures will hit you. So exercise as much control as you can without impinging on your BIL's right to post what he wants.
Very true and excellent suggestions.

This is easily controlled and solved.
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