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Old 10-09-2016, 10:05 PM
 
90 posts, read 154,997 times
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When my husband was terminally ill and in hospice at our home, we were inundated with visitors during his last weeks. People we knew were over every day until the last 2 weeks. It was a wonderful gift to him and I won't forget that.

Upon his death though that was so different. Many of the people that visited him while he was dying at home did not attend his vigil or funeral. I was pretty floored with that. I just resolved myself to the thought that death is just too heavy for people to confront when someone they know passes. It just seems so common.

And now a year and half later, I really don't have contact with most of the people that were with us in his last days. I can only presume that it's just too much for people.
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Old 10-09-2016, 11:35 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,117 posts, read 2,925,888 times
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When my wife died my experience was that I was pretty busy and preoccupied to the point that I didn't feel disappointed - people I hardly knew were helpful and kind. Now I'm sure I have disappointed a few people myself without knowing it. I guess that's how things go. I wrote letters to a handful of far distant people to let them know what happened, at some emotional effort, but heard back from only two or tphree as I recall. Still waiting on the others after nine years. Probably not gonna happen.
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Old 10-10-2016, 10:04 AM
 
Location: 2016 Clown Car...fka: Wisconsin
738 posts, read 771,234 times
Reputation: 1180
I have always considered grief to be intensely personal so I don't bother setting myself up for disappointment from the behavior of others.

Was I surprised at the people who didn't acknowledge particular passings in my life?...sure. Disappointed?...not really. We are all human after all and I can't possibly micromanage how a relative, friend, coworker, neighbor or acquaintance responds to death. What I can micromanage however, is my reaction to their response. So I can 'choose' to be upset...or I can 'choose' to let their response bother me...or I can 'choose' to hold a grudge...or I can 'choose' to just let it go and get on with my life. I will always 'choose' the latter. Waaaaay too much energy required for the former and doing so does nothing to change the behavior of the other person.

~RVcook
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Old 10-12-2016, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,545 posts, read 3,013,293 times
Reputation: 9434
At first I was disappointed at the lack of support but I now know it was the shock at my son's death. No one knew what to say & I now understand that.

Plus, it was only at my last doctors appt that I realized it was more than likely his diabetes that caused his death. All the coroner said was that it was natural causes. I never really understood what that meant before then. My doctor helped me a lot with that response.
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Old 10-12-2016, 03:00 PM
 
2,031 posts, read 1,509,114 times
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OP - I'm very sorry for your loss, but you're setting your expectations upon them. Some people just don't know how to deal with life - or death.
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Old 10-12-2016, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,545 posts, read 3,013,293 times
Reputation: 9434
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhureeKeeper View Post
OP - I'm very sorry for your loss, but you're setting your expectations upon them. Some people just don't know how to deal with life - or death.
I think the fact that I said "at first" explained that. It's now been 9 months & yes, it took that long. I don't know myself how I would respond to a person losing their child except I would definetly give the person a huge hug & be willing to be there when the tears come.
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Old 10-12-2016, 03:26 PM
 
6,119 posts, read 3,064,699 times
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I hate human beings. I expect nothing out of them. I enjoy those times when people come through, and expect everything else as typical human nature. Thus, I could care less about anyone, family or otherwise, that disappoint during a time of loss. I've been there done that, and it hasn't affected me in the least.

And when it comes to loss, I also understand some people find it nearly impossible to deal with, and you can't fault them for that.
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Old 10-15-2016, 07:31 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,126 posts, read 3,940,319 times
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I cut off contact with two "friends" who didn't even acknowledge my husband's death or even call me when I was diagnosed with cancer eight months after he died. I don't resent them, I just cut them out of my life with no regrets.


It's times like that when you learn who is a true friend. You're not comfortable with death? Too effin bad, deal with it and help your friend or family member get through it anyway.
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Old 10-15-2016, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,585 posts, read 4,791,450 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post


It's times like that when you learn who is a true friend. You're not comfortable with death? Too effin bad, deal with it and help your friend or family member get through it anyway.

This is exactly how I feel. It's amazing that people can't man up anymore.
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Old 10-15-2016, 12:51 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,253,758 times
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I have seen quite a bit of this avoidance of unpleasant things. I remember a close family member saying, when my husband's mother had Alzheimer's, that he couldn't visit her or help at all because it was "too hard" for him to see her that way. Considering that we had to see her and take care of her every day, regardless of the difficulty, I thought that was tremendously self-indulgent. People do that with funerals and all kinds of difficult things; they decline to do what is right because it is "too hard." It certainly erodes my respect for such people, but mostly I just let it go because you can't hold onto such resentments. (That family member who wouldn't help eventually got Alzheimer's himself - we did not hold his earlier behavior against him.)
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