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Old 10-18-2016, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,858 posts, read 51,363,981 times
Reputation: 27740

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The "avoidance of the unpleasant" is something that a lot of people get judgmental over, but it may be wiser to take it at face value, absent other gross signs of immature behavior. There are many people who are forced by their own limitations to live in small, structured, safe boxes. Someone who, for example, has schizophrenia that is treated with medication but only marginally so simply may not be able to handle stress without relapse. Other people may not be ready developmentally to handle the challenges of confronting and troubling scenarios.

Being able to deal with death and illness doesn't make a person "superior" as much as it is simply a skill and attitude that allows them more freedom. Sadly, a LOT of people don't have the fortitude, skill set, or even basic training from childhood to cope with the realities of life. Those who were overly "protected" by parents are at special risk.
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Old 10-18-2016, 03:33 PM
 
5,064 posts, read 608,462 times
Reputation: 13135
To simply answer the OP's question:

When my our 19-year-old son died, a couple we considered to be good friends sent an e-mail of condolence and nothing else, not even a sympathy card. We are still polite to them, but we no longer consider them friends.
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Old 10-18-2016, 03:57 PM
 
5,064 posts, read 608,462 times
Reputation: 13135
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Many humans are not comfortable with death and they do not react to death well.
The fact that you are disappointed or hurt or feel they are fairweather friends is merely because you have placed high expectations on them that they are/were more than likely unaware of. That in itself is your issue not theirs.
You have suffered a loss that means more to you than anyone else yet it appears you believe the loss should mean as much to everyone else as it did/does to you. That is not the reality of life and death.
I don't think that "Person A" who has suffered the loss of a spouse, child or parent feels that anyone else would or should feel the loss AS MUCH AS Person A, but I think that Person A has a right to expect at least some kind of acknowledgment from "Person B" that Person A has suffered a loss -- with the degree as to the expression of caring depending on the emotional closeness of Person A and Person B. (For example, a simple "I'm sorry about your dad" would be perfectly acceptable from just a co-worker, but I think more is called for from a very good friend.) Yes, it is entirely possible that Person A might feel closer to Person B than Person B feels to Person A, and so if Person B does not meet Person A's expectations in that regard, Person A might conclude that Person B just does not care that much about Person A, and that is very disappointing, I think.

Yes, Person A might have been mistaken about how Person B truly felt about Person A -- and maybe that was not Person B's fault at all. So when that happened to us, we simply took it as a "wake-up call" in thinking that "Couple B" were actually friends and not just people with whom we had dinner about once a month. Our mistake.
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Old 10-20-2016, 09:44 AM
 
994 posts, read 1,109,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
I cut off contact with two "friends" who didn't even acknowledge my husband's death or even call me when I was diagnosed with cancer eight months after he died. I don't resent them, I just cut them out of my life with no regrets.


It's times like that when you learn who is a true friend. You're not comfortable with death? Too effin bad, deal with it and help your friend or family member get through it anyway.
That is awful, and you are right: You learn who is about what when the chips fall and times get the hardest. I am so sorry about your experience.
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Old 10-20-2016, 09:50 AM
 
994 posts, read 1,109,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
To simply answer the OP's question:

When my our 19-year-old son died, a couple we considered to be good friends sent an e-mail of condolence and nothing else, not even a sympathy card. We are still polite to them, but we no longer consider them friends.
I assume they never offered an explanation of their (in)action, did they? That's just inexcusable. My experience has created a slice of distance between myself and said individuals. They probably don't feel or sense it, but I know that a fine line has been drawn.
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Old 10-23-2016, 06:18 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,739 posts, read 21,787,854 times
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When my husband died, I was a bit surprised that I didn't hear from people he'd called friend for decades. That happens. I was disappointed when I didn't hear from or see many after the funeral. I expected that. I watched my mom go through that pain. A few kept in touch for the next few months, then drifted away. When the dust finally settled, there were three left, and it wasn't who I expected.
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Old 10-24-2016, 12:21 PM
 
632 posts, read 630,197 times
Reputation: 694
You simply need to carry on and not focus on those who have disappointed you in life.
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